I've hit rock bottom

[RainbowStars]

As the titles states, I've hit rock bottom.

I've got GAD, depression and (suspected) OCD. The GAD/OCD I can remember from a young age, the depression hit me when I was 25 (2010) and I had post natal depression, after having my first child. It took 5 months with counselling (no medication) and I fought through it and recovered fine. Then I had another episode of GAD/Depression in 2012, which lasted about 5-6 months. This was brought on when I thought there was some issues with my son, and I got very overwhelmed. Thankfully, the issues with my son were a false alarm and he is fine. I also got through that bout of depression with counselling (no medication) and recovered. Fast forward to June 2016, I've had a personal issue within my family that can't easily be resolved. It all became too much in June and I suffered a huge panic attack (in the car) 2 hours from my home, on a day out, which landed me in hospital, as I thought I had a heart attack. Everything checked out fine. I'd had a panic attack. I haven't been the same since. I've had panic attacks constantly, anxiety symptoms heightened and have just been totally overwhelmed, which has flaired up my GAD/Depression and OCD. I have tried for 5 months everything under the sun to fight this and I'm exhausted. I don't feel like myself since and my OCD /anxiety thoughts have gone into overdrive. I don't live in the present, I live in my head. It's terrible. Before all this, I was anxious, but coping fine and now I feel like my life has changed and I don't feel I will get better. I'm terrified of medication (SSRI), that's why I never take it, but my GP and Counsellor have said that my state has become so highly anxious, that an SSRI might be the best thing for me. I have been prescribed medication, and stupid idiot me obsessively researched so many forums on the medicine, and read so much both positive and negative stories about it, and now I am literally terrified of it, but I can't go on like this anymore. My concerns with it are: addiction, will it change me forever, could it make me psychotic, side effects, and also the possibility of it not making me feel any better and I'll feel like this forever. I feel like researching so much about conditions has made me worse. I wish I had never looked at anything on Google! I feel so alone. I'm lucky to be surrounded by loving and supportive parents, my 2 kids and my loving fiancee (who doesn't suffer mental illness). I feel so alone and lost... 😣😣😣

[TheSteve]

Hi Rainbow,

Thank you for sharing. You are a tough cookie and clearly a great, loving mum. You appreciate your fiance, your parents, your kids, and your life. Despite what you have been through, you are still seeking a solution. I admire you.

It is a shame you were hit with that major panic attack, as clearly this is what brought you back to a time of prior suffering. What it also did was raise the prospect of future suffering. With this, your mind has taken note, and now is clearly working in overdrive to "try to protect you" by thinking, thinking, thinking, worrying etc. to try to head off any future episodes of panic, anxiety etc. The problem is, the mind and these thought processes are now the cause of the suffering you experience in the present time.

You said it perfectly - " I don't live in the present, I live in my head. It's terrible". You could not be more right if you tried - living in your own head is terrible. However, there is a solution to this and it is developing your core, mindful presence behind and before the thought process gets going. This is your true nature, and it is obscured by the thoughts, the fear etc. that cause your unhappiness and thus physical problems.

Quite simply - we become our fears.

My suggestions:

- Go and get a copy of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle pronto. This is a great, great book which you will relate to I'm sure.

- In your Googling, search the term "mindulness". This one is worth your while.

- Learn to laugh and smile at your thoughts. How about a new habit? Each time you catch a negative thought, a feeling of fear, anxiety, panic coming on etc. crack the biggest smile you can and direct it right at the thought/feeling. Then, have a laugh at it. Mean it, laugh at these feelings. Over time, they will lose their grip on you and diminish. You will be master again. Never underestimate the power of laughter - it can have profound effects on you. Google it!

- Do some moderate exercise, and carve out time for yourself.

- Talk to your doctor about medication options. You may want to do it, or may not. It is up to you, but get the facts.

We are here for you, please come back and chat anytime. All the best.

Steve

[Starwolf]

Hi RainbowStars,

A warm welcome to you. Well done for finding the courage to share your thoughts.

Ah yeah, anxiety...I remember it well. How could one forget the rushed trips to hospital for suspected heart attacks, gasping for every breath etc... I can feel your distress, my heart goes out to you.

You have good insight re what is causing this. If you're going to use Google, I suggest you research relaxation techniques like Body Scan and relaxed breathing. I have found the daily practice of mindfulness most helpful. Like all new strategies, difficult at first but if you persist and take it slowly, it will acquire momentum and even become automatic. It is not easy so please be patient with yourself. It is important to practice those techniques regularly when all is well. It will make it easier to do it successfully when it matters most. Choosing a set of cues like waiting in queues or at traffic lights, doing the washing up, walking in/out of rooms, when the phone rings etc...will act as reminders. Increase their number as you get better at it. A simple but effective one is to take a non forced slow breath (just let the lungs fill naturally), one hand resting above the navel to make sure you feel the air reaching the BOTTOM of the lungs first. There will be a brief pause before you are ready to breathe out. Let it happen without forcing the breath out. Feel that out-going breath pushing away all tension, a bit like a plunger, starting from the top of the head, all the way down to the feet. Feel the gathered tension leave the body via the sole of the feet and sink into the ground. It doesn't take much time and can be done anywhere, in any situation.

Sometimes, not taking medication can be more harmful than using it. Many people use it to be able to function adequately and with no/ little adverse effect. However, it may take several attempts to find the type that suits you best. It also takes time to kick in. Keeping your doctor informed of every reaction will help tailor treatment to your specific needs. We're all different so react differently. Google only deals in generalities. When it comes to individual type and dosage, it is of little help !

Navigating the Treatment/Medication section of the forums will help you find out there are as many facets to meds as there are patients.

Kindest thoughts.

[Nikkir]

Hi RainbowStars,

Thank you for your post and reaching out, it does take alot of courage and also welcome;) It sounds like you have been through so much and have still continued to keep going and that is really admirable and strong. It is good that you have done your research even if google is not the best source, I think it is always good to either get a seperate opinion or do some quality research and you are right there are concerns and side effects. If you are uncertain go and see another professional GP to refer to psychiatrist or Clinical psychologist and see if the recommendation is the same. You could also ask our DR KIM on this Beyond Bluel. Alot of people do take medication just to manage day to day life and it can be effective and does not have to be forever. reduce the . Alot of people take SSRI's who are not psychotic there are all different types and doses. It sounds like medication might be a good option if you have tried to manage alone, just until you feel better? Mindfulness ( Jon Kabat Zinn ) he is the guru of mindfulness with helps with anxiety but again, you have to be somewhat calm and centred to even do that. Getting out in nature and walking is good just to open up our minds and increase perspective but I am gathering you know that. I also bought a good book written by a Buddhist Monk who is now a Clinical Psychologist and other things and it talked about GAD and different practices, I haven't read it all yet but looks like mindfulness related. The book is "Healing the Heart and Mind with Mindfulness by Malcolm Huxter. Because Mindfulness is all about being in the moment which I am terrible at that why I you tube Jon Kabat Zinn and buy these books 🙂 It is great that you do have support and good people are you and you are not alone even though I completely understand that you feel alone. You can always call us on 1300 22 4636 for a chat or resources. Lifeline of course on 13 111 4 and we have a link about anxiety on our website but I am scared to try to get it for you because last time I lost my post and I won't remember all I have written ( technically challenged lol). If you want me to get it let me know and I will or I will send it in another post:) Please take care, you are not alone and feel free to contact us anytime and let us know how you are going. Best wishes Nikkir x

[PatT]

Hi Rainbow,

Regarding SSRIs the potential for addiction is non-existant as they don't really effect your dopamine levels like other drugs, but rather work on seratonin which is a precursor to dopamine. In short, they have a high therapeutic benefit with little abuse potential. I've been taking them since I was 8 and I know that I'm pretty useless without them. I have bipolar, anxiety, depression and PTSD and know they help a great deal in managing my anxiety, depression and PTSD. Sometimes it takes a bit of tinkering to find the right SSRI and dosage but they can be a godsend for lots of people.

[BballJ]

Hi RainbowStars,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, and well done for sharing your story.

You have the trifecta of GAD, Depression and OCD... I can understand how overwhelming it must all be. Like you I google most medication and see all the positive reviews but read 1 or 2 negative reviews and then turn myself off it because I think "what if", this is wrong and I guess we have to trust our doctors and what they are prescribing, with regular check ups to make sure you are not becoming addicted to the medication or if it isn't working to then change it up and give you something different. I don't know much about SSRI so I cannot help you there I am sorry. I just wanted to reach out to you to let you know I read your story and really really hope you can get back on track and I am as we all are, here to talk and give support where we can. Also it's great to hear you have a good support network around you in your family and fiancé, they are like gold when dealing with mental health.

Keep your head up and stay positive.

My best for you,

Jay

[MarkJT]

RainbowStars, welcome to the forums and great to have you here.

There is so much great advice above and Steve's suggestion of mindfulness is really good. I practice mindfulness daily using the app "Smiling Mind". It is really good so would recommend that you download that and start using it.

Your name is also key..."stars"...head out on a clear night, grab something to lie on and just stare are the stars. Look at the different ones, the closer ones, the far ones, stare at the moon and looking at it's markings. I love doing this and end up completely forget about what worries i have. This is mindfulness at its purest, living in the moment.

I also have on my phone "PTSD coach" which has an excellent breathing exercise which i used to use heaps. As Geoff says above, breathing is a great way to calm down.

Keep engaging with us on the forum. Any questions, queries or advice you need, we will be here to help you where we can.

Cheers

Mark.