I think I have social anxiety

[TheSunsetTree]

I don't really know where to start off but I feel like I have always been super shy and just put it down to being quiet but now it is getting a bit out of control.

I find it really really hard to mix with and met new people. I feel like when I talk to someone new or especially a girl I just freeze up and unable to talk. I sometimes can say hello, but never able to get past that. This has really limited my ability to ask girls out.

I sweat really bad when in social situations, my leg shakes uncontrollably, I feel nauseous and my heart beats so fast I feel like people can hear it.  

I find myself always worried about things and am quite anxious. I am extremely fidgety too.

I haven't talked to anyone really about it, apart form jokingly saying how scared of things I am.

I feel really embarrassed to talk to my family about it. Mental illness seems to run in the family so I feel extremely guilty and do not want my parents to have another problem or issue with their family to deal with.

It is really starting to effect me as I am trying to find a part-time job while at university. I use to work as a waiter but found it so scary and difficult to talk to so many random people and it was so busy where I worked. I am just not very good in high pressure and busy environment.

I am just not sure how to go about trying to address this issue and find a part-time job so I thought it would not be very scary to post on here.

[Jacko777]

Good on you for your brave post TheSunsetTree. I am sure you will get some good advice and support here and good on you for investigating this rather than letting it to continue to fester.

You say mental illness seems to run in your family, do you think you may have taken on this anxiety from your parent/s? I too have suffered from social anxiety in the past and I think I learnt it from my father who avoided social activities. It did affect my relationships and friendships and it had to be fixed. Through therapy I was able to see that this phobia wasn't the real me, it was something I had been taught and had to unlearn. I desire to be true to myself, true to my spirit, these things that are learnt in the mind can be like a curtain in front of my spirit. I practice dropping all emotion, just purely witness my reactions to ensure they come from the heart. 

Be in the moment, LOVE that you can be out meeting new people and catching up with friends. Respond to each moment from the heart. This takes practice and it is well worth it! You cannot have fear and love in your heart at the same time. (I could talk about this for hours!) Have you tried meditation?

Perhaps you are worried about what other people think of you? You need some new approaches to get you through the freeze up. You could practice having a goal of finding out as much as you can about someone when you meet them (forget about your self). F.O.R. is a fair one I heard of once, you can ask them about Family, Occupation, Recreation, or make up your own. Hopefully you will get some tools to reduce your anxiety, keep practicing, action cures fear. Keep us posted.

[TheSunsetTree]

I don't think my anxiety directly comes from stressing over problems in the family over mental illness. However, it does not help. It is just more that I am scared to bring up these problems as some members of my family suffer from Bipolar Disorder, alcoholism and drug use. So I just feel really bad and don't want to be another problem.

I am very worried at what others think of me. I have next to no confidence and find it hard to put myself out there.

Thank you for responding and taking the time to write back. 

[Doolhof]

Hi SunsetTree,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. You mentioned you don't want to bother your family about how you are feeling. Is there one family member whom you feel close to, who you could share your thoughts and feelings with?

Jacko has a great point where he wrote that we can take on board the ways of our parents. Do either of your parents or other family members have trouble with anxiety and shyness?

Has there been an incident in your life where you have felt like you were being put down or ridiculed? Sometimes an upsetting situation can change the way we think and behave.

Some people are just naturally shy and don't like being around a lot of people. Others just love huge crowds and being the centre of attention.

Could you look up "Anxiety" and "self confidence" on the internet and see if there are ways and means to improve both.

Are you still at University? Are there counsellors there you can talk to?

When you tell your mates/friends/family how scared of things you are, how do they react to what you say?

If your anxiety is really concerning you, it may pay for you to see a dr. He/she will be able to tell you if you are having a real problem coping, and if so they will be able to provide you with help and advice.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Do you think they are aware you are struggling at present? They may be quite relieved you are having a hard time with anxiety and not with drug or alcohol abuse.

It is easier said then done, but please don't worry about what other people might think of you. You just need to be the person whom you want to be, and let other people think what ever they want to think. If you are true to your own values that is what counts.

We can't be friends with everyone. Even the most popular person in the world would still have people who don't like them.

I hope some of this has helped you! Wishing you well, let us know how you are getting on, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Jacko777]

Mrs. Dools has some good ideas and questions there for you TST.

You could privately write down some situations that cause you anxiety, then you have the opportunity to choose what response you would prefer to take. How would you prefer to respond to social interactions, which part of you is anxious, why? These are questions you can ask yourself. This is a journey rather than a destination. As Mrs. Dools says, we can't be friends with everyone, we can't always have the perfect response and no matter how nice you are, some people won't like you. Don't forget, you can start small and work your way up one step at a time.

Imagine the pathways in your mind...whenever you contemplate a social event you start to head down a negative path. This is where you can focus your attention. It is easier to take the negative path, it is well worn, you don't have to think, you just go. But by choice you can make a new path, it will take strength (which you have) and practice, choose a positive path of happiness and excitement, of challenges and rewards. Meditation can help you to focus.

Based on your posts I think you are a caring, honest and brave individual.

[TheSunsetTree]

None of my other family members really share the same level of shyness as me. One of my family members suffers from Bipolar Disorder so they have a lot of anxiety too.

I am still currently at University. I haven't really thought of looking into seeing the resources available.

I kind of jokingly say how scared I am of things, so normally my family laughs about it not knowing how serious it actually is.

[Doolhof]

Hi TST,

Thanks for getting back to me. Jacko has made a good point in his post. We often get stuck in a rut with our way of thinking. Once we are aware of how we think and act, we have abetter chance of changing that pattern.

Maybe it is time to tell your family you are serious when you joking tell them how you are felling. Pick a time that feels right for you and let them know. If you just start with telling one person, or all of them together that is your choice.

A younger friend of mine who was attending Uni received a lot of help from the Uni counsellors, so you might be able to tap in to that resource as well. Does the Uni have a mentor or buddy type set up? You might discover there is a lot of assistance you were not aware of.

Have a look on Google for some relaxation techniques. Try a couple of those and see if they help.

How does the family member with Bipolar disorder cope with their anxiety? You might be able to swap ideas and thoughts with them, and work out ways to help and assist each other.

You have started the journey to recovery by being aware of your problems and wanting to fix them!

A person I was chatting with yesterday said not to think you want to be less anxious but to think you want to have self esteem, you want to be confident, enthusiastic and positive. If you think you want to be less anxious then you are still focusing on the anxiety.

If you think about that statement, it starts to make a lot of sense! 

Hope it all helps a little. From Mrs. Dools

[Jacko777]

How goes it TST? Are you seeing anything in these posts that you can try?

Positive affirmations are another valuable tool that you could try. Instead of thinking or saying 'how scared I am of things', you could try 'I am okay with this'. Turn a negative thought into a positive one and repeat until you believe! Fake it till you make it.

It has helped me in social situations to ask my self, 'what is the worst that can happen?' Usually there is little or no real threat or nothing I can't get through, so I have the realisation that my concern is unfounded and comes from between my ears. Then I have the choice...to respond OR react to life...to be the boss of my own mind, or not...the more times you choose to be the boss the more natural it becomes, to the point that you DO enjoy being with other people.