Its not what i expected.......

mrsanxiety · ‎16-10-2014

it was like any normal night. My daughter was in bed sleep i was up with my partner watch a movie. I was just falling into a deep sleep when i woke up to my partner telling me she was on the she. She was my friend. she was crying. She proceeded to tell me 'he' was dead. he had taken his own life. 'he' being my daughters biological father. I went into a state of shock. I was hyperventilating, i was standing then sitting. i was in pain then i was numb. My partner did his best to console me. Knowing that the man who just died i spent three years of my life with, i was abused mentally and physically by him, i hadn't seen him in a year. This man who had taken his life started my anxiety. I dont blame him, i dont blame her for caalling me. I blame my brain for dealing with it how it did. I had so many sleepless night. SOmetimes i still do. I turned into a bad person. Stressing about another bad phone call. Putting stress on my current partner. I broke down one day and knew it was time to get help. I seen someone and explain to them what was going on. from there i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I had suffered from depression since i was 15 (after being hit by a hoon driver and becoming dependant on a forearm crutch for life) this was nothing knew to me. But anxiety what was that?? I spoke to people spoke to a man who was a professional. i upped my dosage of meds. I was doing well. He tried hypnosise on me... i didnt like what it done to me so i never went back. i was good i stayed on my meds for a year. that was my longest ever. Usually id last a max of 6 months. I took myself of them thinking i would be fine. and i was. but lately its come back. Its become really bad. So today i went to the doctors and asked to be put back on my meds. But he didnt help, he didnt refer me to speak to someone. Unless its covered by medicare i cant afford it. So he didnt help.How can i just control these irrational thouights without someone to talk to??? I love my partner he is my rock but i know is taking a toll on him. My daughtr shes the reason i put two feet on the floor in the morning.

Doolhof · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Mrs. Anxiety,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us here. I would like to say firstly that I am so sorry it has taken so long for you to receive a reply to you post. I'm not really sure why this happens, that some posts are answered quicker than others.

It could be that there are so many posts coming in some days, that some are sort of swamped and lost in the system so to speak due to the sheer volume of posts coming in.

I acknowledge your depression and anxiety and do suggest that you find another Doctor who is willing and able to help you. There is a list of Doctors on this site who are able to help with mental health issues. Hopefully there is one listed for your area, and they will bulk bill, I am not at all sure of that though.

Have you looked up anxiety on the internet or tried to borrow books from the library? The ore we know about an illness or condition, the easier it is to understand, accept and try to overcome it.

Please let me and others here know how you are getting on. Once again, I want to recognise your suffering and say I am so sorry it has taken so long for you to receive a reply.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

AGrace · ‎21-10-2014

Hi mrsanxiety,

I believe I may have responded to another of your posts without even seeing this one. It must have been a terrible experience for you and most certainly a shock to hear of the death of your child's father. I understand and empathise with you, as I too have lost someone to suicide. I also know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship, and I'm glad that like me, you were able to get out, and by the sounds of it have met someone who treats you with much more respect.

I know you have mentioned that the GP you saw didn't refer you to a Psychologist or counsellor to talk. Have you considered going back to your GP to seek a referral. It is possible for you to ask for a mental health care plan so that you can have 10 sessions with a Psychologist/Counsellor at least subsidised by medicare. If you find a therapist who bulk bills then medicare will cover the full cost of the sessions. You are right, that you do need someone to talk to.

I also wonder about your daughter and how she is dealing with the situation. It must have been difficult for her also. It must also be difficult for her to see that you are suffering. Do you think that she too could benefit from some counselling?

I hope that we will hear back from you.

AGrace

mrsanxiety · ‎23-10-2014

Thank you both for your reply. Not having a good day today so really needed to not feel so alone. Im from a suburb where there is no bulk billing so i need to travel. I am thinking of going to my old doctors who helped me last time. Hopefully tomorrow. Ive been on my meds again for a week but im still gtting anxiety serverly. Is this normal?? Will it take longer to kick in??

My daughter is 6 years old. She doesnt see me

suffering, ive spoken to her school about if she needs a consillor for her biological fathers suicide. The specialist school nurse said that it didnt seem needed, but there were notes taken and to keep an eye out.

Im often asked if

i would consider suicide. Honestly i couldn't do it. Ive self harmed before but not for a very long time as now i have a daughter who relys on me. I could never do that to her. But at times i have that horrible thought in my head that she would be better off.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Doolhof · ‎23-10-2014

Hi Mrs. Anxiety,

Thanks for getting back to us. I hope you are able to see the Dr. who helped you in the past. Sometimes it is worth the effort to reconnect with someone who has been able to assist previously.

I'm not at all familiar with meds for anxiety, so hopefully yours will kick in soon and help to relieve the symptoms you are feeling.

Do you have a close relationship with your daughter? Hopefully you will notice if her behaviour changes. You are very much aware of how she may be feeling, and the school is also aware of what has happened, so hopefully your daughter will be fully supported if she needs assistance.

I hope that if you come to a stage in your life where you think of self harm or suicide as being the only answer, you will seek help. Tell your partner, call Beyond Blue, Life line, call for an ambulance, anything is better that struggling with the feelings of extreme depression and anxiety. Like you wrote, you have your daughter there to love and protect.

Your anxiety and depression feed your mind with thoughts that your daughter would be better of with out you, please don't believe those thoughts. Think of your daughter, of all the growing up she still has to do, all the years before her, and remember that she needs you right there with her along the way.

I hope the Dr. is able to help you with your anxiety. I also hope you feel welcome, accepted, appreciated and acknowledged here on the Beyond Blue site. Feeling lonely can add to the battle, so remember you are now part of the community here.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

mrsanxiety · ‎29-10-2014

Thanks for your reply Doolhofs, Ive actually stopped my meds yesterday, unfortunatly they were giving me more problems than good so im going to see a doctor on friday. To get a referal to see someone. Ive been having nights where i'm "all in my head", its hard to explain to my partner or anyone really because i barely understand it myself. My thoughts were irrational and would not stop.

I have a great relationship with my daughter. she is only 6 years old. She is the light of my life and gives me all the strength and courage i need. I just hope and pray she will never suffer like i do. As her biological father and nan both suffer from bipolar. But i know that if she ever does i will be able to empathis with her and show her all the avenues thqat can help her.

Doolhof · ‎29-10-2014

Hi, Thanks for getting back to me. I hope you are able to receive the assistance and advice you need from the Dr and you are able to obtain medication which will help you and not have so many side effects.

Congratulations to you and your daughter for having such a great relationship. I hope it continues that way, through her childhood and teenage years. Being there for each other is very important in any relationship.

It is also good that you realise the thoughts you have been experiencing are irrational and not normal. It is when we start to accept the irrational thoughts and consider them to be normal, that we have more trouble understanding what is going on.

So once again, I hope the Drs. appointment goes very well and you are able to receive all the help and advice you need right now.

Keep on enjoying your daughter and your partner, and look for the good things that come along in your life and enjoy those moments.

Cheerio for now, from Mrs. Dools