I’m so horribly unattractive

[PsychedelicFur]

I’m so horribly unattractive.

my toxic ex told me I was a ‘6/10’ and ‘plus size’ and embarrassing looking. That is why he showed me photos of other women in bikinis.

I’m that unattractive that he lost interest in me and started treating me like garbage. I know deep and meaningful relationships are not based off looks but he made me believe that I wasn’t very good looking. Even though I have had people, strangers come up to me, hundreds of time and compliment my eccentric clothing or my long wavy ginger hair.

he said to me once ‘you’re looks don’t matter anyway because you are only a 6/10.’

I’m starting to believe what he said about me. ☹️😢😭 please give some suggestions or advice.

many thanks,

lots of love,

PF.

[tranzcrybe]

I don't have body dysmorphia so I'm not qualified to answer directly; but I have had 'clothes dysmorphia' (if that is even a thing) which sort of overlays to some extent.

Brand name jeans, designer shoes - all to manufacture some rendition of who I wasn't to impress people who probably didn't even notice in the first place - or maybe they did (so, more fool them, I guess).

It took me several years before I realised that 'cool people' made what they wore look good - not the other way round; and not because of their physique, but the way they carried themselves - confidence and a certain 'who cares what you think anyway'' attitude.

I learnt that I can't ever make myself fit the clothes, and I should be comfortable as priority to allow me to relax and just be myself - people will see me for who I am. Judge me for who I am if you feel the need, but don't judge me for who I am not.

"Wear" yourself with pride and know the goodness within - others will, but there will always be those without that capacity - more fool them, I guess...

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

You know what I'm gong to say: your ex was a a cruel sh*t, your cousin a silly little air-head boaster and your family circumstances with the divorce, lawyers, practical difficulties in housing are hugely stressful exacerbate your feelings that you have things wrong.

Yes you have studies and passions, and they are a great help, Talking to someone sensible can be a help too -not a permanent fix but just to get through a particularly unhappy couple of hours, you know there is
Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) and
ReachOut
https://au.reachout.com/
Butterfly Foundation
https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/

You have heard of them and probably even used them all before, a repeat would not hurt, different operators can have different ideas. They all have chat lines if you do not feel like speaking.

Plus others. Why not give them a try, no expectations, just a change?

Alternatively talk to me about you passions and academic work, I'm always interested.

Things will get better, and you will cope in the meantime, I've every faith in you

Croix

[Chris_Tas]

I'm new here.

No you aren't ugly. I think some people are but it's them not you

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you Chris_Tas for the kind and generous words, much appreciated.
And how are you? I hope you are doing ok and keeping well. Feel free to pop in and out of this forum and speak to me and the rest of the gang. Welcome to the BeyondBlue Forums.

I’m sick of BDD. I’m not vain. I‘m struggling with this every single day.

[PsychedelicFur]

I remembered “dating” a boy in year ten.. when I was sitting on his knee he picked on my breasts, waist and butt. Stating; “We need to make these bigger.. you should have a smaller waist. ______ (insert his crushes name) has the perfect body.”

ehhh. Far out. Tired. Brain is playing all of the bad things at the moment. Need to erase the bad times and be more content. I am blessed. I am loved. My voice is being heard and I am valid.

[PsychedelicFur]

Mum said once before she left with her first partner she left my Dad for “we are not having that f*cking ugly baby photo up of you on display.”

Questionable uncle said when I was fourteen “why are you so ugly?”

friend at primary school said “Don’t you have to be attractive to be on television?!”

adults who bullied me at fifteen years old, at my volunteer work. “I don’t see a soul in her.” As they inserted a photo of me into the group chat between these four adults. “What a soulless person. With a voice that sounds like a rubbish truck.”

My parents friend once said to me on the day my mother came to collect her things when she went off with another man ; “you could do with losing a few kilos.”

this is h*ll! It’s destructive, mind gymnastics. It’s plays with you. It’s debilitating. I’m not vain. I’m going to tell my psychologist about it when I see him. It’s draining. It’s pure agony. It will get better though. I am so determined.

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

You are going though a bad down time in your last couple of posts. All the unkind and abusive things that were said to you over the years are running around in your mind, taking your concentration and assuming undeserved importance.

So how do you break out of that loop, waht do you think will help? You have an agile mind and many interests, what's going to be best?

As you know I use books, even have particular ones for specific moods.

Croix

[EfG2021]

Hi PsychedelicFur,

Love your nick by the way, I am a 70's music fan and I would print your profile pic and put it in a wall

I cannot tell what beauty is, I have no idea in terms of what makes us feel attractive or unattractive.

I was severely bullied at school, I used to dread going to school but it was another time and another place, so I resolved I couldn't live scared or sad and I made the stupid decision of learning to transform these emotions into anger...that only made the things worst as my understanding of transformation was changing my focus of attention, but that fear and sadness remain there and are easily triggered, I just respond in anger (I guess is the flight/fight decision I make, but it is far from having the fear and sadness away from me).

I don't even know where I am heading with all this, but I guess that I am almost half a century old and I wish I would have had the opportunity to allow myself to share my feelings about it. I always thought I was the only one and nobody else would understand. The truth is that I still think nobody else would understand, but at least we can share the immense sorrow we feel and find some moments of peace knowing we are not alone.

Just writing these lines has made me feel better today, I pray they somehow serve you for, at least, ease the pain for a moment.

It will be fine no matter what, maybe not as we imagine it, but it will be fine.

E

[Guest_1643]

Hi PF, u need help with the bdd, I think Ur really beautiful and most beautiful is Ur determination and honesty. I think unattractiveness isn't a reality or truth, but a feeling. We can feel a certain way but it doesn't make it fact, an DM oft en is more about trauma and societal messaging. I hope some days the bad gives you a rest and you can enjoy being the awesome and unique human u are. Xxx

[Guest_1643]

Ps I have severe bdd as well, fear of being seen as a vain person often makes people too ashamed to talk about it. It's a real and awful thing, one of the hardest challenges. It is real and I think ppl who open up about it should always be believed. I don't argue u see what u see, I just wanted to share that I think Ur honesty makes you beautifuil x