I’m so horribly unattractive

[PsychedelicFur]

I’m so horribly unattractive.

my toxic ex told me I was a ‘6/10’ and ‘plus size’ and embarrassing looking. That is why he showed me photos of other women in bikinis.

I’m that unattractive that he lost interest in me and started treating me like garbage. I know deep and meaningful relationships are not based off looks but he made me believe that I wasn’t very good looking. Even though I have had people, strangers come up to me, hundreds of time and compliment my eccentric clothing or my long wavy ginger hair.

he said to me once ‘you’re looks don’t matter anyway because you are only a 6/10.’

I’m starting to believe what he said about me. ☹️😢😭 please give some suggestions or advice.

many thanks,

lots of love,

PF.

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey there, feeling a little sentimental tonight. I saw a recent video of my ex partner and he was laughing and looked incredibly happy. It is as though he doesn’t care and isn’t grieving. It is as though he is happy that I left him. And I feel like he never really loved me and it was all a lie. People say I am such a bright, vivacious and incredible young woman but how come he isn’t feeling my absence?

feeling a little disoriented and upset.

PSYCHEDELICFUR.

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

You know already there will be mixed emotions, it is human nature and seeing him has brought negatives to the fore.

Frankly if it was someone who was praiseworthy, honest, compatible and loved you, and you left them then they would indeed look sad, and you would be looking to yourself and wondering why you left.

As it is a shallow person has gone off to bug some else's life and not realized the gold that was offered, and you had the wisdom to see or sense this person's worth and end the matter.

There is no 100% quick fix to greif and loss, however you have a rich tapestry of interests and activities. There will be a lot to look forward to when this little bit of self doubt evaporates.

Your theme Eleanor Rigby has sad lyrics, true, about lonely people - but flip it over, there is the observer and those the observer invites to look - all presumably from a better place - at those less fortunate. You are not Eleanor (or Father McKenzie:) and the song can be as much about gratitude rather than the lament it is at first assumed to be.

Perspective can help

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Perspective does help and will help for sure: thank you for your lovely words Croix. Love the Eleanor Rigby reference too.

[PsychedelicFur]

Why why just WHY do I miss him sometimes???? He treated me horribly, he was so horrible to me. Took me for granted!! Why would I miss that????

[PsychedelicFur]

I desperately yearn to break this trauma bond. Honestly I do. It brings excruciating pain to me. Healing is funny like this though. One day I’m floating around in pure bliss and I feel fine. I feel like Joan of Arc, completely and utterly invincible and full of power. And best of all I can fight my own battles and identify my strengths. And then there are days or moments like last night and today where I feel quite sentimental. Why do I miss someone who belittled me? Why do I wish he could just miss me and see that I treated him right? I did not care that he was not model material. I did not care that he was different to what I had wanted and hoped for in the past, when looking for a relationship. I spent hours upon hours crying but then cooing gently to myself. Hoping and pleading for answers. Wanting, wanting so badly for him to change. It has been approximately one month since I broke it off with him. And I just wish this trauma bond that he manufactured between us would just leave my side. I want to free myself from this pain and consistent emotions of self doubt, confusion and suffering. I wish he would stop to think about how he can change his ways. Wishing and hoping won’t do anything though. It’S the way he is and until he properly identifies the root of the problem, it’s the way he is most likely going to stay.

[Sophie_M]

Hey there PsychadelicFur,

Thank you for being so vulnerable and open with us on the forums. It takes a lot of courage to open up and we hope you are to recieve some support and kind words from other members of the forum. I am sorry to hear about what a troubling time you are going through. If you are wanting to talk through some of these complex feelings tonight, we would recommend you getting in touch with 1800 Respect. They offer 24/7 counselling over the phone for anyone who has been effected by unhealthy or abusive relationship cycles. You can contact them on 1800 737 732.

Warmest Regards

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

It's hard, having a broken heart, you know it, but more you know the necessity, though as times you wonder if you are strong enough, the temptation to return to the old familiar toxic territory is surprising in its strenght. Logic says no, the heart tends to be the traitor.

You will get there

Simon & Garfunkel: El Condor Pasa is a song about that desire for freedom, not to be the someone beaten. "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail" sums it up.

Maybe it is a reminder of all the other people in other situations who have to fight a similar battle. Humans have strength.

Can I suggest you try not to be alone, letting your thoughts take hold, but be with others, not for deep and meaningful conversation, but just company, maybe where music can be found?

Hang in there, you are winning

Croix.

[PsychedelicFur]

Beautiful response Croix. Thank you.

And that Simon & Garfunkel track is gorgeous. I can recall that I have heard it once or twice.

How are you Croix?

Today I am feeling quite ‘blah’ haha. Very emotional and very all over the place. Need to get out of my mental state and go somewhere else for a little while. That’S why I try to watch movies and read so often but there is only so much you can do.

thinking hurts sometimes 😕

you are right though... I am truly winning the situation because I’m no longer his ‘love slave’ giving him his daily supply. I’m free. But that bond in which I thought we had still remains inside my heart and mind. Hopefully soon it will vanish and I truly will be free!!

PF

[Croix]

Dear PsF~

I'm sad your mental state is not that good ATM.

A change if that's OK. Please know there is no obligation at all, I'll understand if you can't assist.

You asked "How are you Croix? ", frankly the answer is part of today was not good, due entirely to my physical limitations. I had to go to a meeting in a strange place, there was no support chair as prearranged, and after sitting in a normal one for too long my resultant trembling meant I dropped something that made a mess.

People were kind and cleaned up for me.

Came away feeling frustrated, a trifle cross and rather embarrassed. I know it will all replay tonight and I'll need to reach into my mental bag of tricks to hopefully get some sleep.

As your musical tastes seem similar to mine - and your knowledge very broad - if you do not mind I'd ask for your recommendations to play, a couple of songs or instrumentals maybe, that would sooth these mental after-effects and leave me philosophical and calm. All of my usual songs are 'well worn' so something fresh will always be good.

I hope selection may occupy and keep your mind away from loss for a little while - mutual help perhaps?

Please don't stress over this, it's just a passing thought.

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello again Croix,

first and foremost I am very sorry to hear about your not very pleasant day. I’m also sorry to hear that you had to go to a meeting in a strange, possibly unfamiliar place too. And I hope you are feeling perhaps quite a bit better now you have vented and left the situation. Hope all is well. Did you get up to any other things today? If so, would you care to share?! No pressure or obligation whatsoever to share either. I’m glad to hear people were kind and considerate too. That very much helps the situation a whole lot more. Small gestures like bypassing strangers saying something nice to you or even smiling can help out, especially if you are experiencing a not so nice day. Glad to hear that there was a rainbow after the rain so to speak.

I really enjoy music. A lot of people around my age bracket certainly would not choose some, indeed most of the things I listen to. And that’s ok. I’ve established myself as quite ‘eccentric’ to my university peers anyway. And honestly I’m beginning to come to terms with that. I have my friends that I associate with outside of my studying regime and that’s actually ok for me!

There is so much to share. We could definitely share songs maybe albums too. That sounds like a good idea.

Back to the EX : great!! Ahah. Questions pop into my head though : Did he really ever care and love me? And maybe because he made out it was always me who caused the issues when I use to overanalyse and overthink.. he would be love bombing me next and then stonewalling me other times. Whilst also invalidating my feelings and making me feel unloved and indeed more lonelier than I have felt for a long time.

all the best. Have a peaceful night.
PF. Groove is in the heart.