I'm losing all control :(

[Guest_736]

A few months ago, I met a girl at uni and we are now dating. I bought up my negative thoughts with her, as she experienced a time where she went through depression and anxiety. I've been referred to Headspace for anxiety and OCD.

In our relationship, all has been well, my negative thoughts are still there, and she is helping me manage them. I have been using her as my backbone through a lot of it, however, recently she did something I didn't believe she'd do. I am only 18, however, I have been raised in a family where more than 1 piercing is shamed upon. The other day my girlfriend got her helix pierced.

We did briefly have a conversation a few weeks before she got it, where I simply expressed I'm not fan. She accepted my opinion.

However, when she got it, I felt sick in my stomach and disappointed. So I asked a few close people if I should bring it up or not, some said yes and some no. Despite this, I decided to bring it up since we have always been big on communication, even if it's not the prettiest of things.

I have had this in my head for the past two and a half days, which is really been pulling me down. So i decided I would tell her. I expressed I was disappointed that she got it, but completely understand that it is something she wanted and enjoys. I also understand that I have no right to tell her what she can and can't do. We are both big on a 'non-controlive environment.'

Something so small had triggered such as large reaction in my head. It is literally 1 earring, yet it has made me feel disgusting. I told her that it's not her fault, it's just that I have blown it up to something it's not, which I truly think I have. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety taking over? I was so hesitant to tell her, because I didn't want to hurt her, but it'd create more negative tension if I didn't.

I want to be able to accept it, and be like "I'm glad you like it" and not let it take a mental toll like it has. I am frustrated with myself because I feel like I am becoming a controlive person and I don't want to. I feel like I am stuck, my head knows it shouldn't affect me this much, but my emotions against it are still there.

I expressed to her that I didn't want to hurt her by telling her. She replied I didn't hurt her, and she understands.

I feel like I am going along for an emotional ride with no control. We decided that this is a good challenge to work together on for future scenarios.

I don't want her to remove it, I just want to have the ability to accept it.

[PamelaR]

Hi Dalto and welcome to our community forums

Life sounds very difficult for you at the moment. I see that you are torn between what you have learnt growing up in your family to what your girlfriend has done.

It doesn't sound very useful for you now, however, you'll find as you go on in life there are going to be many instances where you're faced with things that are different to the way it was in your family / culture.

To manage, to cope with how you are currently responding to the piercing your gf got, I think it is important to discuss it with her. Let her know you do not want her to remove it, nor that you want to control - it's just this 'learnt belief that you have to deal with'.

I have PTSD, anxiety and depression. I spend most of my life unlearning the things I've learnt, especially the beliefs in myself. It's okay to do this. If you come from a different culture you'll find it even more difficult I'm sure. There is a community forum for 'multicultural experiences' under the People like me. This may help you also to see what others think and are discussing. Doing a search using the search field at the top of the webpage may also be useful to you. Use keywords Tips for Managing Anxiety.

You're not alone Dalto, keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[therising]

Hi Dalto24

You and your partner sound like such wonderful supportive communicators. You are so fortunate to have found each other.

It is far easier to dictate the 'rules of life' to others than it is to look within (questioning those rules). Being a mum to a teenage daughter and son, my kids have led me to a lot of self-questioning over the years, which is why I regard them as 2 of my greatest teachers (partly responsible for incredible personal growth). The ability to recognise the teaching moments in life is a truly valuable ability, an ability you obviously have yourself.

Going within, for a lesson in life, requires us to become conscious of our beliefs. Such a lesson may require us to:

• Assess where and who our old belief/s came from (origin)
• Assess why that belief or those beliefs came into being (reason). May go back some generations
• Assess the ways in which that belief or those beliefs were conveyed to us (words, imagery, through examples set by others etc)
• Assess how often this took place (the process of conditioning)

The list goes on but you get the idea. To unlearn something which is not helpful to our evolution, we must first become conscious of it.

I recall my daughter questioning me once about my logic. I remember looking within thinking I am conveying my parents' rules to her which, in reality, did not make much sense. There was no fairness in what I was saying to her and I had no valid reason to be enforcing this particular rule I'd come to believe in. Yes, I was being unfair and unreasonable. I changed my mind which, of course, she was happy with. Fairness and reasoning will often help us decide whether a belief system is rational or not. Much of the time we will find our beliefs are really not our own. And with much of our identity formed through many of our beliefs, there may even be times when we come to the realisation that our identity is not entirely our own, if that makes sense. We've lost that fun loving non-judgemental 3 year old in us.

I imagine your partner's piercing to be a harmless form of self-expression for her. Given that she means no harm to anyone, are you able to think of your own harmless displays of self-expression, which go against any of the belief systems you were raised with. Reflecting on this may give you the ability to see how you are able to gradually change your mind.

There is much for us to unlearn in life, on that quest to find our most authentic self.

Be kind to yourself on your own quest Dalto24