I'm angry

zailleh · ‎11-05-2015

I've lived a life filled with anxiety and I'm on the road now to recovery, but recovery is a hard road filled with realisations. I'm at a point now where I'm letting myself be angry instead of hiding it to placate everyone. I have to not fear my own anger, I have to not fear conflict or else I'll never find myself.

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I'm angry at my parents for, my lovely Dad for not being around enough and my mother for being too self-absorbed in her own struggles to notice her struggling son. I'm angry at my brother for being born first and forcing me to be in an environment where I had to fight for attention and praise by doing what I was told, what was good, and what was expected of me. I'm angry at my family for always talking over the top of me when I started to share an idea or a story.

I'm angry at my primary school friends for being cowards who, instead of sticking to their own desires flaked and followed what was 'cool', leaving me in the dust to learn that I needed to do what was expected of me to be liked. I'm angry at my first love for being a manipulative, attention seeking seductress that made me fight for years for her attention. I'm angry at my high school friends for rejecting my over stupid things. I'm angry at my teachers and mentors for never pushing my to excel. I'm angry at the high school culture I happened to grow up with where being smart, working hard and doing well was reason to be ostracized. I'm angry at my parents for not yelling at my when didn't work hard.

I'm angry at my ex-fiance for not helping me more when she did realise what was happening to me. I'm angry at her for cheating on me. I'm angry at her for letting me believe that things were fine until they weren't. I'm angry that she didn't trust me enough, or have the strength enough herself, to be vulnerable and be open with me.I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at myself for letting everyone in my life to date for thoughtlessly trampling and and flattening my personality, teaching my subconscious that being different and standing up for my beliefs and opinions would cause me harm.

I'm angry at myself for not putting effort into things I enjoyed. I'm angry at myself for

giving up. I'm angry that now, at almost 30, I'm only just realising all of this.

Most of all, I'm angry that now I'm back at square one without the time, resources, or support to once again try to grow into my own person.

HA1 · ‎11-05-2015

Hi zilleah
It is good to have that release of emotions, to throw away that mask forever. I have but, as you say, there are some realities that immediately surface. You change from the person that others alway knew you to be (I speak for myself in this case).

But it does sound like you have taken a giant step to recovery albeit, as you say, one with many potholes. I have just arrived at this place also, and I must say I am starting to feel a lot better about myself.

I think that once these realisations start to sink in, it is best to let go of the anger and, instead, embrace acceptance. To quote someone (I can't remember who), "to be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves". I was an angry person, but no longer.

Take care, and I hope you have found my reply to be somewhat helpful.

K

Jacko777 · ‎12-05-2015

Hi Zilleah,

Good on you for putting this out there.

Largely you are saying you are angry because of things that you have allowed others to do to you. This is back when you were more anxious and not as aware of your self as you are now. You were further back on your track and it's not your fault that you did not have the strength or ability to respond as you would wish now.

My big question; how does this anger serve you? Who does it serve? The people you are angry about don't know that you are angry. So it is a one way street, you are letting your energy go to something in history you cannot change. I have been angry about stuff in the past too, i understand where you are coming from, but I don't believe the anger will make us feel better. The best 'revenge' is to let it go, to be happy, to forgive for your own sake, be calm so that the event or person cannot take any more of your energy, these things have taken enough from you.

I have had to say to myself, enough is enough, I have given enough thought and emotion, I have done all i can to rectify a situation, now let it go. Takes practice! Meditation has helped me a lot to relearn to focus.

You say you are angry at yourself for giving up...well it is obvious you haven't given up, you are a fighter and you will stay on your journey of recovery. And tomorrow, put some effort into those things you enjoy, get your attention on the good stuff for a while each day, you deserve some peace and happiness.

Jacko