I hate myself. Hours spent diarying

[Araxdamas_Burres]

I am devastated that I can't stop journaling. I am having serious bouts of sadness and panic attacks. When I started to journal, I didn't know it would develop into huge sprees of writing down my thoughts. Menial everyday things are written down like This is what i ate for lunch today I cant multitask My parents told me about a friend that did x and even more menial thoughts than that. It is such an embarrassing and colossal effect on me. For a sense of scale, I currently have 3902 messages in a private discord server for journaling - just the discord server, not my notes nor my physical diary. I'd estimate that's well over 100000+ words. All in the course of a week or so. I won't tire from this. I'm almost crying for one of the first times I can remember, from the burden this has on my life. I write notes all night long as they pop into my head. ( I've actually pulled all-nighters doing this. Sometimes I literally type every single note as I think of them like I am mentally connected to dairy. I know what's causing it, probably. Its the fear that I lose part of myself by not treating it. I don't know where this fear came from, but I don't want to spend a lot time figuring it out. I need a quick solution to this debilitating severe form of memory hoarding. I've written down every logical reason why this is completely batshit insane and I still cant stop it. I hate how this is destroying my life. My parents don't get it. They're great but wouldn't understand these types of things. I thought I was going to post a logical coherent and emotional response but I absolutely cant. Please it would do so much if you could console me or offer some really smart advice. thanks a lot
I hate that i have to give you such a poorly edited post.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Araxdamas Burres, 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, we're glad you've found your way here!

It sounds as though your journaling is consuming a lot of time and energy, and although it can be a very beneficial and mindful activity, it sounds like it is now causing you considerable concern and stress. We're really glad you've come here to the forums to explore these thoughts and feelings and we really hope our community can offer their ideas on what might help. Have you been able to speak to anyone about your journaling? Some of what you've described sounds to us like it could be related to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). You may like to read the following webpage for facts related to OCD: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ocd

We would urge that you speak to a mental health professional about these thoughts. If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counselors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Please know our community is here to support you and many have been through similar experiences in their lives. You are not alone here. Do share more with us whenever you are ready. 

[Petal22]

Hi Araxdamas Burres,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im so sorry you are going through this.

I have a lived experience of OCD Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was in the depths of this disorder I felt the need to write down every single thought that popped into my head…………. It was absolutely exhausting and time consuming.

I would take my list of thoughts to my clinical psychologist appointment, my clinical psychologist would just look at me and say I don’t need to see that………

To me at the time I thought these thoughts were really important and meant something and I was also seeking reassurance by taking this list to my psychologist.

With OCD I learned that one of my compulsions was reassurance seeking and it was one of the things that kept me in the vicious cycle of OCD.

I did a specialised therapy for my OCD it was an intervention into the OCD………… this therapy taught me what was keeping me in my cycle and then I learned to disengage from doing these things to break free of the vicious cycle……… yes it was hard in the beginning but I’m now free of the vicious cycle of OCD and have been for over 4 years………

I recommend you see your gp and do a mental health plan and see if you can see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.

I really do understand what you are going through and I understand how exhausting it is……… but please know if it is OCD it is very treatable! I’m living proof of this and there is hope that you can recover aswell….. you just need to be taught the skills so you can recover.

Please ask me any thing

[Araxdamas_Burres]

Thanks for the kind words. I do realise i was venting a bit. Yeah I wish I could have organised my thoughts better. But now (I think!) I'm in a better state of mind. I just can't cope with it - especially since this only popped up recently but in such an aggressive manner. Some hours (or days) I'm actually pretty fine. Unfortunately since this happened so quickly I yearn to fix it just as fast. I want to start enjoying life again but I'm afraid I never (or at until the far future) will.

I am already going to see a psychiatrist (within the next few months) for possible ADHD. However I don't think he specializes or would know much about OCD. And since I am a teenager, I would have to pass that through to my parents who I don't think would really understand - They have a just don't do it or fix it yourself approach to everything.

[sbella02]

Dear Araxdamas Burres,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience on our forums, and a warm welcome to the community.

I can relate to a lot of what you've just said. I began a journal (I call it my diary) back in 2013 and while it began as a place to share my inner thoughts and consolidate difficult feelings, it's turned into a record of every mundane detail about my day. Where we differ is that I record all this in a physical book rather than online where it's tempting to write an infinite amount. I found that I've been putting so much pressure on myself to write in it every day that it's causing me more discomfort than it's relieving for me. I definitely relate to your experience of, as you say, memory hoarding. I think that's a fantastic way of putting it, and it's great to see that you've acknowledged that this is causing you such distress.

If you're seeking a temporary way to relieve your stress when it comes to writing down your menial thoughts, you could even try purchasing a physical notebook/journal and limit yourself to one page, or even a few pages, per day. For me, making the switch from a larger journal to a smaller one really relieved a lot of the distress I was feeling from the self-induced pressure of having to fill the larger pages.

As Petal22 and Sophie_M have also mentioned, it may be useful to seek professional support through a GP, therapist, counsellor, or psychologist. Even having a chat to somebody about your experience with journalling may offer you some kind of solace in what you're going through.

All the best! SB

[mmMekitty]

Hello Araxdamas Burres,

Good for you posting here.

You said, "I am already going to see a psychiatrist (within the next few months) for possible ADHD. However I don't think he specializes or would know much about OCD. And since I am a teenager, I would have to pass that through to my parents who I don't think would really understand - They have a just don't do it or fix it yourself approach to everything."

If you think you can wait, why not talk to & ask this Psychiatrist if they can help? Or, if not, how you can get help. Can it hurt to ask?

All the best, & Happy New Year!

mmMekitty

[Petal22]

Hi Araxdamas Burres,

OCD is something that really needs treatment if this is what you have.

With OCD you need to learn the skills to intervene with this disorder so you can learn to manage it.

I understand your a teenager and I applaud you for reaching out to us….

In regards to your parents just not understanding or telling you to stop doing this……. This is what someone would say who doesn’t have OCD or understand why you do the things you do. Because they don’t have OCD.

If you feel you want to talk to your parents about possible OCD you could show them this thread if you want to?

I understand you are going to see a psychiatrist a psychiatrist has a lot of knowledge in regards to mental health conditions and I believe will have knowledge of OCD……… please mention what you are doing in regards to your journaling and OCD to your psychiatrist.

Like I said if it is OCD it is very treatable!

If you feel things are getting worse before your psychiatrist appointment please see a gp sooner and mention OCD to them……..

We are always here to chat to you…. Please reach out to us anytime.

[Araxdamas_Burres]

Hi Sbella02,
I'm actually so surprised many people on here relate to this issue. I use the term memory hoarding because it's the only term with which i can find resources on google for it. Unfortunately, there is still only a limited amount of information that is quite dated too.
I actually started off by using a diary. Funnily enough, at first I told myself that I should write in it more. Some days I actually wrote nothing in it. However it only started to escalate when I wrote stuff at night. All those thoughts that I had been forgetting like tasks and conversations and memories and anxieties resurfaced then. At one point it had gotten so bad that I spent a few hours dairying, so I brought my phone into bed to get sleepy enough to well, sleep.

I had already thought about switching to digital since my handwriting is very messy and from there switched to using the notes app on my iPhone. Again it escalated over time but I always journaled the bulk of my time in bed. Eventually I switched over to discord one night, and it was absolute hell. I started using it during the day, especially before bed time. For some reason I can't manage to scrape together the willpower to limit myself to a certain number of pages.
Yes I do notice that physical diarying does reduce my frequency of "entries" but its a positive feedback loop when I decide to move into physical, however I retain the mindset from digital and end up doing way more than I used to. Combined with the messy handwriting I give in and go back to digital. I may try to bring this up with a headspace rep or something since I feel like it could be a good way to wean myself off of memory hoarding. Thank you for your support.