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I feel ugly all the time and I compare myself to every single person I see

Community Member

Hi i'm a 21 year old female and I don't think I am loveable by anyone? i've never had a proper boyfriend and have always had on and off things with men but I feel like I am not attractive to anyone, especially men I find attractive. I always say in my head as soon as I see a man that I find attractive they probably think I am a disgusting slob and could never imagine themselves with a girl like me. Every single person I either pass on the street or see, I start pin pointing every thing I see on them that I don't have. "perfect hair, the ideal figure, a nice fashion sense" the qualities I believe I lack are the ones I see in everyone that passes me. I wish I had that I wish I looked like that I wish I wish, I walk pass a stranger and notice these things so why can I never see them in myself. I know this sounds ridiculous and I understand there are worse things in the world that are going on but thought id see if anyone can help or might even relate to these thoughts and feelings.

6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome.


I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about yourself. It takes a lot of courage to open up and share your thoughts and feelings - many people can relate to experiencing self-doubt and struggles with self-esteem.


It can be challenging when we compare ourselves to others and focus on our perceived flaws while admiring qualities in others. And self-critical thoughts can be powerful, but they often don't reflect reality.

Beauty and attractiveness are subjective, and each person has their own unique preferences.


I like the ideas in kintsugi ... the Japanese art of repairing a broken object. Here, imperfection is embraced. I would think other people were perfect like a clean china plate. Myself I was the broken plate smashed on the floor. Talking about with my psychologist, I discovered that plate once repaired was (i) unique, (ii) more precious, (iii) and stronger than it was before.


You deserve love and happiness, just like anyone else. If that means professional help, that is OK. But if I also said that you look good just as you are, how would that feel?

Community Member

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but please remember that these negative thoughts about yourself are not accurate reflections of your worth or desirability. It's common for people to compare themselves to others and focus on their perceived flaws, but it's important to recognize that everyone has their own unique qualities and beauty.

Community Member

Hi there, 

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way 😞 I don't really have any answer to help, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to how you feel. I'm 24 female, and never had a real relationship, only casual things. I find it really hard to interact with people if I haven't done my makeup and am wearing the right outfit, and my hair is done. I know realistically this probably doesn't change how I look drastically, but its an insecurity thing. I worry that I'm so ugly without these things, that a partner would be repulsed if they got to know and see me just as I am. I hate feeling this way because I just want to love and accept myself, but it's really hard sometimes. I try to remind myself that I'm not really attracted to the most beautiful people, beyond a superficial level, and I want to be with someone who is kind and nice to me. And I try to hope that I will find someone who loves me beyond what I look like. But I often feel like I'll never be enough, there will always be someone better, more desirable. I don't really know how to feel more confident, but you're not alone in feeling this way. I hope you are okay. 

Chrissy M
Community Member
  • I completely understand, I had the same mindset at your age. Low self-esteem, thought no body loved me.  My advice love and appreciate YOU, you are a special unique person.  Be kind to yourself. Have a beautiful heart, a smile makes you beautiful.  I unfortunately did not have this advice and ended up in a bad marriage (DV) as I looking for love.  I needed to love myself first and believe in my self.  Now I am a women of wisdom, 50 and loving life.

Community Member

Hello guest 5925,

I am a 70 year old male but your words and situation resonate very strongly with me.   I have spent the greater part of my life wondering why I have never had a successful relationship.   We all long to be loved and valued for who and what we are but sometimes it can be a long hard uphill battle.   I respectfully suggest that you might stop comparing yourself to everyone you meet.   That is never going to work in your favour.   In fact, it will make you bitter and resentful.   I often think what advice I would give myself if I had to go through life again and the overwhelming outcome is to get your own house in order first as far as accepting and loving yourself goes.   Establish your own presence in the world and refuse to let anyone else define who you are.   You have as much right to be here as anyone else so why not make it something worth doing.   I agree with you that this world is strongly based on appearances.   But a relationship shouldn't be based on physical appearance.   It should incorporate love and understanding and all of the things that go with them.   I'm no expert but I have plenty of life experience under my belt as far as looking for love goes.   Build up your own confidence first and become the person you want to be before you start searching for someone to share the rest of your life.   To be brutally honest, I would rather live alone than be with someone who did not respect or value me.   

Respectfully yours


So many thoughts enter our heads. I have and am currently seeking peace from these thoughts. Some of the tools I have picked up along my way to nurture myself are ....
  1. Never compare yourself to anyone. There is no one in this world that is YOU. Your the only one created exactly like YOU. There has been no one made like YOU before you and there will be no one like you after YOU.
  2. With this in mind , you are actually perfect. Stop and be present at every moment. You are exactly in the right place at the right time. You are doing exactly what your meant to be doing right now. It's ok , you are ok !
  3. Faith Ashenden - Have a look at this website. She is very welcoming with some very interesting help.
  4. Start a journal , a place you can be totally honest with yourself.
  5. The writing below is a favorite of mine and has been over the years. I want to share it with you.
A Return to Love
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
You are never alone.