I don't know where I am

[HelenM]

A couple of weeks ago I went into a terrible fear - that I'd go right down again. My depressions have been very mild for a long time but the fear was awful.

Then on the Sunday it cleared.

So I did loads that week. But on Saturday (just gone) anxiety started kicking in. All I can think is that my mood will go down - perhaps not to the bottom but badly. My sleeps rubbish - it was just getting right again. I feel trapped.

People who know me tell me this will lift. I can't believe it. It's so scary. My GP saw me recently and tells me my fear is something that might come and go. He is satisfied re my meds. And here is a worry. I have recently been changed to the generic drug from the original. I've been told that doesn't make any difference but on the internet some reports say it can.

I am carrying on with my routine. But I just want to cry and I'm hyper sensitive. I feel I've got myself into a mess. I know I overdid it last week. I just don't know where I'm heading.

Please can anyone give me some guidance.

Helen

[BenD]

Hi Helen,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation with anxiety, you're right - it can be very scary. From my experience it can also be very energy intensive so on top of feeling on edge you can also feel exhausted. Seems terribly unfair to experience them both at once!

When it comes on for me there's a few things that I do that might also be helpful for you:

1. Exercise - along with the meds, exercise literally changes the chemical composition of your brain to make you feel better. Even just going for a walk is nice.
2. Eating healthy - A counsellor I saw recently said that even though we may want to eat something sweet or fatty when we feel under pressure, all it does is sabotage us even more. I usually go eat something like avocados or oranges (though I'm as guilty as the next person for failing this sometimes so don't put too much pressure on yourself to get it right!)
3. Talking about it - Big tick of approval from me for this one, well done for posting on here, it's not easy sometimes, but BB is a great resource for getting stuff off your chest.

It's good that you've identified that you may have overdone it last week, that way you can adjust or prepare for this situation in the future. I guarantee that it will get better soon Helen, one day you will stop and realise that you've weathered the storm (when you do, give yourself a pat on the back from me).

Here if you want to chat,

Ben

[White_Rose]

Hello Helen

Looks like we are on the same timeline. I can't sleep and presumably it's daytime in your world. So sorry that you are having a hard time again. I wonder if it is the fear of  going down the old path that is causing you to actually go down that path. I know that's basically what you have said but it may be worth pursuing.

A couple of months ago I had the most intense panic attack that I have ever had. It was terrifying and for the next week I was exhausted, crying, terrified it would happen again and terrified that my fear would trigger another panic attack. In retrospect of course I can rationalize the whole thing but at the time I just couldn't see past my terror. I did nothing about it. Couldn't do anything. Just waited and it was not easy. Eventually the body took over because you cannot run on adrenalin for ever.

I have also been told that the generic brands are no different to the original meds. My GP is generally happy for me to take the generic brands but has specified in some instances that I must have the original. A pharmacist friend of mine says the active ingredient is the same but the additives are different and may cause the active ingredient to work differently. e.g. slower, more quickly, release the main ingredient differently etc. At least that's what I understand her to say. And coupled with my GP's advice I would say there is a chance that your generic brand may be having a different effect on you than your original drug. Talk to your GP and pharmacist. They ought to know these things.

Many years ago I had Glandular Fever. I had days when I was so tired I could hardly move around, then I would have a good day and run around doing all sorts of things, only to crash big time the following day. So I can relate to your experience. Why do we do these things to ourselves? I think it's because we are relieved that life is getting back to normal and we want to prove to ourselves that we are fit again. And then of course we are back to square one.

How able are you to rest more? I know that looking at all the jobs to be done can feel as exhausting as actually doing them. So can you take yourself out of the house or some place where you cannot see the work? Is it possible to get some help in the home, perhaps paying a cleaner? My dream is to have my very own cook as I hate cooking. I think the answer to that one is fat chance, but I can dream.

Believe in yourself. Things have got better in the past and will do so again.

Regards

LING

[HelenM]

Hi Ben

Thanks for answering. When it comes to talking about my problems and posting on here I am fortunate as I have a natural tendency to talk. I think it must be very hard to keep everything in.

I was going to the gym but hurt my knee. It's sorted now. I intend to go back but right now I'm not sure I'm up to it. However I do plan to go. I nearly stopped my gym membership but that made me feel I'd failed. So if I weather this storm I will go again. I found it helped. A lot of it for me was the sense of achievement.

It's interesting you mentioning energy intensive. When I'm well I put tremendous energy into things I enjoy. Last Tuesday I went into Glasgow to buy something. I was feeling great and got very involved in looking at and imagining other things to buy. Then I saw a really good band playing in the street. When they finished their piece I was the loudest at cheering. If I go out with friends I tend to be the one that works at creating the fun. Before I was ever ill I could do that but I think this exhausts me now.And as you say anxiety is really tiring. 

My sister's always telling me to eat a better diet. Is it that sweet stuff affects energy levels that makes your counsellor say this.

I'm glad you can relate to how I feel. That in itself helps.

Helen

[HelenM]

Hi Ling

There's something about that terrible fear that mental illness can bring. All rational thought goes as you say. It's good that on BB people understand as it can be very difficult for family etc to 'get it'. 

To be honest a lot of what I overdid was going out. Into Glasgow one day, out for two separate evenings. But also I had to go to a funeral and do some extra hours in the charity shop I help in. Fortunately my husband does the cooking and I wash the dishes. Our house seems to get really untidy all on it's own. Well the dog creates lots of work too. 

In the past I'd write everything down in a diary and even enter times when I'd do nothing. I'm starting this again. That way if someone asks me to do something I can see clearly that I don't have time available.

I plan to ask my gp about the generic drug. I don't think he'll see any difference but will probably change it if I want. It's difficult as I only changed over a couple of weeks ago and my mood has been unsettled on and off for a while. I think when I'm going through a bad patch I get uptight about everything.

I hope you're keeping well now,

Helen x