I believe I have OCD

[pvroom]

I have had anxiety my entire life but the past few years have led to a long journey of self discovery and I have realised that my anxiety goes beyond generalised anxiety. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts but I don't do the typical OCD compulsions of hand washing, it's a lot more subtle and more in my head. I have quite a lot of disassociation and can't remember huge parts of my life. Sometimes with a lot of explaining, I will remember things but a lot of things are just a complete blank. I've been tested for ADHD and autism, both negative. The psychologist said likely CPTSD. I have several traumatic experiences including adverse childhood experiences. But the trauma has persisted into adulthood, and I'm now late 30s.

I am quite good at hiding my anxiety and presenting a functional person which I don't really do deliberately but just feel I 'have to'. Should be functional, should pull myself together to be functional.

I don't know if all of my thoughts could be explained with depression, I have never scored more than 'mild' for depression.

I can't afford to see a psychologist that doesn't bulk bill, and I live in a rural area with no local psychs anyway. I saw some via telehealth but I find it very hard when they challenge me with beliefs that conflict with mine. I can be very black and white, political beliefs are extremely triggering for me.

What can I do to help myself? I already do mindfulness and am on antidepressants.

[Sophie_M]

Hi pvroom,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts and disassociation. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community.

We’re sure you’ll hear from some of our lovely forum members soon, but in the meantime we wanted to let you know that we’re here. If you ever feel like reaching out to our support service to talk this through, we’re here, via email, webchat or phone. Another really good option to contact is the Blue Knot Foundation, who have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. They also have a helpline for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse, on 1300 657 380 (available 9am-5pm AEST Monday-Sunday and public holidays).

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[pvroom]

thank you Sophie

[Petal22]

Hi pvroom,

Thanks for reaching out to us.

I understand OCD I was diagnosed with this disorder by a psychiatrist I also had severe anxiety with it.

My OCD compulsions were mainly mental.

My intrusive thoughts terrified me.

I was stuck in a vicious OCD cycle.

I have now recovered from this condition thanks to the health professionals who helped me.

I did a therapy for my OCD it was an intervention into the OCD the therapy I did was Metacognitive therapy this therapy gave me all the tools I needed to master my OCD.

You too can learn to break free of OCD.

Meditation was really helpful it taught me that I wasn’t my thoughts but the watcher of my thoughts.

Maybe you could contact some OCD clinics and have a chat to them and ask them if you could possibly do therapy online with them?

You may need a diagnosis.

Here to chat to you

[geoff]

Hello Pvroom, and I remember you on many threads before this one.

I'm not a doctor to qualify saying this, but know from a course I did to help me with OCD is that partially worked, but only while I was doing the course, as soon as this finished, then it was easier to go back to how I was beforehand.

Minfulness was included in this course but wasn't sure it had any effect at all, that's with me only, because I needed encouragement for it to try and have any impact.

I too hide my OCD, purely because I don't want any criticism from anybody, but even having it for a long time, I am still functional and know that any intrusive thoughts, don't actually happen, but know they do still disturb many people.

Sometimes when we need to do 'a lot of explaining' then we wonder why, because in our own brain we know ourselves and then presume others automatically already know as well, but they don't.

I have found that any triggers can start OCD for some unknown reason and that's how my OCD began years ago.

There is an online test for OCD you can try, and I'm not to say, but mindfulness could mean it's much harder for you to accept and be attached to these thoughts, just a thought, as I've said I'm not a doctor.

The severity of having OCD can change from person to person and there are different degrees of how awful it can be for you, from severe to mild.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[pvroom]

thank you, I am seeing a new trauma informed psychologist in a few weeks, I have been to so many but feel confident this one should hopefully be able to tease apart all that is wrong with me. I am feeling very anxious at the moment and struggling even with low mood which is unusual for me

Thank you to geoff too for sharing, I have no idea how to just be myself and I am worrying all the time about worrying and it is so silly to write it but so hard to stop it

[Petal22]

That’s ok pvroom,

I think it’s great you are seeing a psychologist soon……. Hopefully a trauma informed psychologist will be a good fit for you.

Keep pushing forward with your recovery you will get there…. Perseverance is the key.

Feel free to chat to us anytime