I became the ''quiet one''.

[grumpypoppy]

Hi everybody, I'm a 49 yr old maori male. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 15. I grew up an only child to my single parent mum. My mum gave me so much love, but I and her family knew she was sad. We lived well but solitary, which suited me because I was shy. But in my senior year of high school something inside me snapped. My GP told me I had  mild depression. Life went on, but without any real professional help I lost my identity. I became the "quiet one''. I rode a sad,lonely,painful rollercoaster ride for years. I've had a few loyal friends and I've worked hard. I moved here to Australia with my beautiful wife and children through my work which was good, but after time my depression came back. I have seen a psychiartrist who treated me with behaviour therapy. I'm in a good place, with support from my family and a few friends. I've kept working at my job, which has been hard because everyday I'm at work the never ending self negative anxious fearful thoughts cripple me. Thank you for letting me share my story. At last I've find my home, my friends who understand my pain, lonliness and fears. 

[Beltane]

Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

what an interesting life story you have 🙂 you describe several things that are common for anxiety/ depression. Firstly that your mother was "sad" and now you feel this way. There can be a strong genetic link in mental illness- as in you can be more likely to have to if your parent had it. For the same reason, as your children get older keep an eye on them and get them help early if they show any signs.

secondly you say you "snapped" in highschool- mental illness most commonly show up in the teenage years, though sometimes can show signs earlier or show up later. 

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds a little like you have resigned yourself to feelig this way forever. You describe being glad you've found people who understand your pain and loneliness, but I wonder perhaps if there are still treatments left to lessen your pain? Have you considered seeking further treatment?

i understand you have tried by seeing a psychiatrist..have you considered returning to your doctor and seeking further help from psychology, psychiatry and/ or medications?

Have you tried any medications? Maybe they're worth another go? Maybe therapy is worth another go?

maybe you're so used to feeling sad and lonely that you can't imagine life any other way. im much younger than you, but I went 10 years before I got a correct diagnosis and an effective treatment.

in that time I went many years simply thinking that I was resigned to living that way. It showed up as a teenager and I just got used to feeling sad, miserable, and extremely anxious around people. I too was just the quiet one. I didn't wan to be., I wanted to talk and have fun and make friends, I was just.., to anxious, and sad. For 10 years I felt like I had a big lump of misery in my chest- sometimes it was so heavy I felt like I could barely lift it.

then I spent a few years on and off antidepressants, thinking it was depression. They csused me more problems.

and then I found out one 6 months ago that I had bipolar- it explained the "rollercoaster" feelings Id had for over 10 years. Now I'm on a bipolar med. I'm still me, but now I'm the me I always wanted to bel now the pain is gone from my chest, the weight is gone, the misery is gone, I'm off the roller coaster and feeling happy, talkative, full of life and energy,

so I think no matter how long you've felt this way, maybe there's still an answer and some hope. 🙂

[geoff]

dear GP, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment.

It's not often that we get posts from people identifying themselves as another nationality so it's great for you to join us.

When someone has had depression it's always there, even though we might have overcome it, because we are susceptible to the pressure it can put onto us, so we need to try and keep it in check.

I still see my psychologist every couple of weeks even though I believe that I have overcome it, simply because there are issues that I can talk to him about that I wouldn't mention to any one else, plus I'm taking antidepressants and probably will for a very long time.

I am wondering whether these 'self negative anxious fearful thoughts' are part of your PTSD which could be still worrying you, so it would be a good idea to see your doctor who will you on a mental plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits to see a psych.

This may help you and that's what we want to put you on an even keel.

Look forward to hearing back from you. Geoff.

[grumpypoppy]

Hi Beltane, Thank you for reading my post. I appreciate you suggesting I seek further treatments too.

[grumpypoppy]

Hi geoff, Thank you for reading. Just being able to vent and put my story to print on this forum has been easy. I will try to seek further treatment for my illness.