Hiya and congratulations on joining our forums. It can be very daunting to talk about, especially when you are feeling like you "shouldnt feel this way" so you're embarassed.
Unfortunately the symptoms you are describing sound like an anxiety and depression illness. And as you ca guess by the word "illness", there is really no reasoning with it.
I know that people think because these feelings are based in the mind, then surely simply thinking different thoughts will change them, right? If we just "think positive'? Or if we just tell ourselves to "get over it"?. So we try that, and then when it doesn't work, we berate ourselves, calling ourselves all sorts of mean things, as you say, using words like "weak". We feel if we were strong, we'd just be able to change....
Well its called an illness for a reason, and that reason is because it doesnt respond to logic. nor does it respond to these kind of insults you throw at yourself- infact those insults only make you feel worse and worse.
for a start, try to imagine what you'd say to your absolute best friend in the whole world. would you sit there and acll her these names? i doubt it. You'd be telling her that she has an illness and these thoughts are the symptoms of that illness, and to really truly get rid of those symptoms, then we need treatment.
Treatment is often multi-faceted, as the illness is complex. Medication is a common one, as these are aimed at treating chemical imbalances thought to be a contributing factor. Therapy is a very very common one- id say an essential one- as these are aimed at really truly helping you change your thought patterns and coping skills using techniques that are very effective. Other parts to treatment can be life changes- so regular sleep, cutting down alcohol and cigarettes, eating a healthier diet and getting daily exercise. I know these things might seem unrelated, but you'd be surprised how much a bad nights sleep or an overload of sugar can contribute.
So a great first step is going to your GP, and discussing your treatment options. You can get Medicare funded therapy so it wont break your wallet.
I used to have terrible life-destroying depression and anxiety, it really made my life hell, and i certainly remember feeling very much as you are describing. But i beat it with therapy and medication and today i'm happy and full of life, got lots of enjoyable hobbies and goals, and the energy and good mood to achieve them. you can do it 🙂
