I ask myself, how did i arrive here?

[stormydaze_02]

Hi everyone,

My name is Jenny. I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. 6 months ago I would have laughed at anybody who predicted I may end up with this. I've always been the strong person and have never really spoken about my feelings to anybody - just shrugged off everything in the past and pretty much put anything negative out of my mind.

I'm lucky in that I have found an understanding GP and I am seeing a psychologist. I'm not coping at work at all (fairly new job with quite a bit of responsibility) and now that I look back at it - I haven't really been coping for quite some time, but I've had some wonderful people to work with and they've kept me afloat. Not that I'm a bludger by any means, but I've had some good support. Now I'm in a job where I'm it and I am feeling overwhelmed and questioning my skills.

I was becoming anxious every Sunday and crying every Sunday night in anticipation of going to work on Monday. I really didn't think much of it at the time. However, then it became almost every night, and thought of work just completely invaded my social life (which was decreasing at a rapid rate!). I haven't been sleeping much. The only nights I sleep more than an hour is when I take medication which I don't like doing, but I need to function as I am in no financial position to take time off work.

I've always been a bit of a loner, but have had a fair few friends. Last year, my circle of friends also was split, resulting in a lack of support from friend also. My family are all interstate, so I think I've been lonely too.  I have always been such a happy go lucky, positive  person, but now I find that it's hard to find anything to look forward to or even to crack a smile - I'm working on it, and working on trying to have time to myself and not thinking/worrying about work 24/7

Anyway, I don't want to sound too much of a pain. I work a lot, but I hope to read many of your stories and I hope that we can help each other and learn from each others' experiences.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jenny (and I do like your user name, stormydaze – clever)  🙂  

 Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and sharing your post with us … it can take a bit of effort for the first time, so that’s a big thumbs up for you and a wonderful sign of a positive step forward.  

Firstly, no-one who comes here and posts is EVER a pain … everyone is treated with the same worthiness, advice, care and support – as much as we can over a forum anyway.  🙂  

You know Jenny, once upon a time, I used to be a happy and a go-lucky kind of person, but unfortunately those days are long gone – I hope one day to find them again.  But it’s good to know that underneath your illness what your real nature is … and it’s funny or odd in a way, because I believe that a lot of people suffering from this illness do have bright, bubbly personalities underneath.  OR is the bright and bubbly personality, the mask that we put on to disguise our illness?  That’s probably a good question for its very own thread.  

Your work situation sounds like a major catalyst for how you’re feeling.   You say you’ve got some wonderful people who you work with.  Have you spoken to any of them about your troubles that you’re having? 

Jenny this is really bad for you to be affecting you this way.  Can you see any light at the end of the tunnel if you seek help from fellow colleagues?  Would they be able to assist you or give you advice as to how to complete tasks, etc??  Or are you just feeling totally swamped all the time?  Would it be better if you had others who you could call on to help you get things done?  

With regard to medication, you’ve been prescribed it for a particular reason … to help YOU.  Please don’t feel bad about having to take them.  They are there to help you and this is the only thing you should be concentrating on – which it does sound that you’re on the way to doing.    

Has your GP or your psych given any advice/guidance with regard to your work situation?  

The job is fairly new … is it possible that after you’ve done it for a while, that things may settle down, or do you feel that you’re just in the wrong place?  

 Have you researched the possibility of seeking other jobs??  Are there any other jobs in your area that might be suitable for you?  

 I hope that you can get back to us, and to let us know how you’re going?  

Kind regards  

Neil

[stormydaze_02]

Hi Neil,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I'm not one for sharing my feelings, so thought it may help to write them down on here (plus my mood diary!).

Perhaps you have a point with regards to being bright and bubbly hiding our illness - I'm not sure! LOL.

When I first started my new job, my first instinct was to run for the hills as this workplace had been through some very turbulent times which left the staff very emotional and on edge. There was an undercurrent there that I really can't describe but that seems to have improved.

My Psychologist thinks that I'm burnt out. I've gone from high pressure job to high pressure job over the past 12 years, and I've always loved to 'fix' things at work, however I'm the one who needs fixing now as I've pretty much ignored all the stressors in the past thinking that I've coped with it all well, but it seems I didn't cope so well.

Unfortunately in my job there are very few people I can ask for help. I have discussed my issues with my Manager and one of my peers and they are very understanding, but they're both swamped too (however, coping ok). At first I questioned my output, but I accomplish 10 tasks and 20 replace them. I'm good at prioritising, but I'm also a perfectionist, so when I see something not done (or not done to my satisfaction) I HAVE to do it.... I'm working on that (with some success).

I have days where I'm ready to take everything on and I'm pretty calm, and days which I really feel I can't cope at all and feel I'm on the verge of a panic attack (which I've never really had - just some mild symptoms such as shortness of breath, palpitations, sweating, trembling, etc, but I can hide it, so not really a full blown panic attack). I'm also very aware that people may be treating me in a more fragile manner which I'm not really keen on. I understand that they're trying to help but I don't want to feel like I'm not pulling my weight.

Neil, I've actually done this type of job for many years - I desperately need a change (well, I think I do? LOL), but this is what I'm good at and I feel that my other skills are pretty much lost. I have held on to these type of jobs for the money, but I do need to look at doing something else and realise that most other jobs will bring in a lot less.

Then of course there is fear of rejection when applying for jobs! (silly, I know, but that knocks the self confidence out the window too, doesn't it). About a year ago I applied for a position that I've always wanted. I was short listed, interviewed (went well I thought), then didn't get it. I was absolutely devastated, even though I completely understand the reason for choosing someone else (and as a Manager, I would have too!).

I'm not actually taking any medication for my anxiety/depression as such. Just sleeping tablets to help me sleep on my work nights, which I really need to look into, as I was getting 4 hours a night, but this week I'm back to 2 (with meds!). I've never been a good sleeper and can function on 4 hours, but over the past months I've got an average of 2 hours a night (some nights no sleep, some 4 or 5) which is probably not helping!

Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll let you know how things are going along the way 🙂

Cheers,
Jenny

[geoff]

dear Jenny, if you do worry about work and try not think about it, boy this is difficult, because it's always in the back of your mind, and that's why you have begun to cry, but it's not necessarily the work that gets you into this awful feeling it's much deeper than this, and yes you maybe burnt out.

As Neil has also mentioned 'people do have bright, bubbly personalities underneath' and yes this is true, but the one factor is that it's hidden only because of your anxiety, which is depression.

When you say ' I'm also a perfectionist and do 20 jobs instead of 10' makes my old intuition raise my ears, as this is a trait of having OCD.

Being burnt out also happened with myself as if anybody told me years ago that I wouldn't want to do building/handman any more I would have laughed at them, but it's true, my interest has all gone, and this is what happens, we change direction.

Now I enjoy this new direction because there are so many other challenges, and if you also change then these this new direction will also help you.

However I'm not entirely sure that you are ready for this, and I hope I am wrong, but the need for sleeping tablets is the concern, and they only last 4 hours, but if you keep taking them then the amount of time they make you sleep decreases.

Are you frightened of taking antidepressants, but firstly by taking them doesn't mean that you are listed as one of them.

It's no different than myself still taking them, plus I need to take antiepileptic three times a day, so the both of these medicines are a stable diet. lol.

It's always lovely to have new members post on this site, and all we can do is support you, give advice, suggestions and of course we care so much for you. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi Jenny

Thank you again for your reply;  it was great to hear from you again.

 It’s such a difficult issue isn’t it – that four letter word, “work”.  It helps pay the bills and cover expenses, but if you’re in an area of work that isn’t good for you, then reveals the age old $64,000 question.  What do we do when we have a job that is not helping our illness and yet at the same time, that job assists us to pay for things?  I think my answer is an unfortunate one, in that, you have to stay working, even if it’s to the detriment of your health.  Nothing lasts forever … and at some stage (if you continually keep an eye out) another job opportunity could present itself.

I’m so pleased that you’re taking a positive role in seeking out help and to be doing things for you.  You’ve mentioned seeing your psych;   how often do you see them?  Do you have another session soon?

But back to the work situation, this is the biggie that’s causing you massive amounts of stress and worry at the moment … this is the thing that somehow needs to change in some way??

Rejection with seeking jobs etc can be devastating … especially when you felt that you cleaned up in the interview … you come out confident and all that, but to be told later that you didn’t get it, is a massive downer.  It’s even worse when you get told that you weren’t even rated suitable.  That’s happened to me before and that’s like a combination punch thrown at you and then when you’re falling down, you get kneed in the head, just for good measure.  Since those times I’ve learnt to NOT get excited or worked up about an interview result.  I can’t afford too, otherwise it rips me a part too much.  In a way, here is “ONE” (and possibly the only) benefit of having depression.  Because you can tell yourself honestly, that you suck, that you’re useless and hopeless and there’s no way that they’ll pick me for the job.  What idiot in their right mind would pick me in front of others for a job.  And it works, because each time I don’t get it, my little devil on my shoulder grins at me and says, “See I told you so!”.

Hope to hear from you soon

Kind regards

 Neil