I am Lost

[myfears59]

I have lost myself and do not know how to get me back.  This has been for three years now, I had a normal life up until then. two major incidents happening contributed to turning my life turning upside down.

My sister passed away with cancer which was a major struggle and then a year later my manager decided she wanted her girlfriend to take over my role as Team Leader at work and she just stripped the position out from underneath me making out my doing two roles of student supervisor and Team Leader was too much work as the job description was going to increase.  There was no warning and I felt like a complete failure, this is where it all started and just got worse from there.

I am seeing a psychologist but it doesn't seem to help.  Writing, breathing, shifting my thoughts, paper bag breathing, packing and unpacking my thought closet, anxiety just sits there.  I get so worked up that I faint, I've been hospitalised on many occasions then when I'm released and see my Dr he says it's something you just have to learn to deal with.

I have a lot of allergies to medications so I am even anxious about trying meds due to side effects.

A little bit about what I'm experiencing, my heart thumps so hard it feels like it will jump out of my chest, shaking hands, dizziness and light hardheadedness to the point of fainting,  I can't catch my breathe, feeling like I am going to fall over.

I work as a support worker for people with mainly intellectual and physical disabilities, I am a student supervisor/trainer and assessor, while at work I feel like I have a happy mask on, as soon as I reach home everything sets in.  I've missed countless days off work due to this.

Weekends are the worst, I'll cry all weekend feeling sick and just lay on the bed, I have laid on the bed crying and sleeping for a week, there have been two occasions I didn't sleep for four days to the point of exhaustion.

 I've stopped going out apart from getting to and from work, I've tried to start doing activities again but I just can't do it.

I keep asking myself "what am I here for, what's the point of it" I wouldn't do anything to harm myself but I can see and understand why people do. I wouldn't do that to my mum, two daughters, grand kids or brothers.

I don't know what to do to help myself when nothing seems to work.  If I could lock myself away and become a recluse I would, I hate going outside my front door, if I could give my work up I'd do that too but I need an income.

I hate my life right now

[Neil_1]

Hi there my fears

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

It sure does sound like you’ve got things happening to you which are certainly not good and for a fair time now also.  The loss of someone close to us is always so incredibly difficult to deal with;  just the sense of loss is enormous – the sense that they are no longer here;  and then the subsequent dealings of emotions;  the grief is always so so hard.  And then you had the awful situation with your work as well.

With what you’ve described about your treating professionals, I would be suggesting that you seek alternative assistance.  Firstly with your doctor – I firmly believe that no-one (and especially a professional) should be saying, “Well, it’s just something that you have to learn to deal with”.  What a weak, shallow response which serves no purpose to help at all.

On this particular website, Beyond Blue provide a searchable list of GP’s – if you go there and give that a go, hopefully you’ll find one (or more) in your local area.  The thing with these GP’s is that they are all skilled in dealing with mental health issues. 

These GP’s won’t palm you off with the above kinds of comments – but they’ll assess you and from that, they’ll be best advised as to how to provide the appropriate assistance for you – be it, the need for counselling from either a psychologist or psychiatrist and whether there may be a need for some medication for a while.  And with that, as you mentioned you’ve got a lot of allergies, please mention this and they will hopefully be able to work around that with you.

And in the meantime, if I could also suggest that you try as hard as you can to keep getting up each morning and getting yourself off to work.  The distraction is good, plus at the end of the day, we pretty much all need to be bringing money in, so we can keep on affording to live.

I do hope I’ve mentioned even one thing that you have found useful – and above all else, I do hope you can respond back with how you’re going.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello My Fears

Welcome to BB and thank you for trusting us with your story. You have certainly had a rough trot. The GP is wrong to say you will need to learn to deal with. Ultimately it is up to you but there is lots of support out there to help you on your journey.

As Neil has suggested, find a new GP. They are not all the same. I have been blessed with a fantastic GP but I have also had a number of very ordinary GPs in the past. The same with your psychologist. Not necessarily bad but does not sound like the one for you. If you find a new GP he/she may recommend a different psych if you tell the GP what's been happening. Don't put up with ordinary, you deserve the best.

I also get your problem with medication. I spent 18 months trying different ADs and still had to take an additional medication to counteract the side effects of the AD I ended up with. Same with 'ordinary' medications. Been to hospital several times because symptoms of chest pain only to find it was a medication reaction. Not nice.

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your sister. My sister died from cancer ten years ago and I still miss her. The pain does get easier when you give time, time to work.

Some companies are the pits to work for. I take it this is a private organisation, not the Public Service. I worked with people with severe intellectual disabilities and physical disabilities. This job in itself can be stressful and contribute to your depression.

I'm not sure if you have confided your difficulties to your family. It depends on their attitude to depression whether or not this is a wise move. I have said to many people, explore the tabs at the top of the page and find the information relating to depression and get it sent to you. Also get the information for family and friends and show it to these people. It may help them understand what you are going through.

Hard though it is you really need to get out of the house every day, even if it is only as far as the verandah. Sit there with a cuppa/book/magazine or whatever and watch the grass grow. It can be quite soothing.

How do you feel about going for a walk. Personally I hate walking so I find other exercise opportunities, but that's OK. It is amazing how beneficial it is to your mental health to have even 20 minutes of exercise daily.

There is help out there and the people here will help as much as possible. Please write in again and tell us what other help you need what questions you want answered.

Mary