How to make new friends

[Missberri]

Hi there,

I'm posting as I'm feeling kind of lonely at the moment. Last year was a super busy year for me and somehow that has lead me to losing a lot of friends. I spent the whole year working and studying and not making as much time for people as I used to because I felt I didn't have the capacity to do so with the heavy load of priorities. While I thought my friends would understand, they've almost completely stopped inviting me to things and some have even started ignoring my texts. It's not like I never saw anyone at all. If I ever had a break from studies or a day where I had the time to make it I would, but I guess it hasn't been enough and now I'm feeling pretty upset and kind of like a mess. I've been on my break from studies since December and while I thought this would be my chance to finally see them a lot more none of them have really bothered to reach out to me, I'm constantly seeing them post things they're all doing together on social media and when I reach out to them it's almost like they're not interested.

Anyway, instead of dwelling on all this I've realised it's time to move on. I've been there for a lot of these friends so many times for many years and if they can't be supportive of me trying to achieve my goals in life and work towards my future then I just don't want to bother anymore. I'm not going to jeopardise my studies to get drunk every weekend and I want to work so I can save for my own house. It's not as if I don't turn up when it's important I'm always there for birthdays and I'm always there as soon as I have the time to be there. I guess at this point I'm just hurt.

So I guess I'm just wondering how do people even make new friends? I've never been good at this kind of thing. I have pretty bad social anxiety and I'm terrible at just going up and talking to people. I just feel really silly like I don't even know what to say if I walk up to someone and I just find the hardest thing to be going out and meeting new people. Then if I did that how would I maintain the connection with people and actually become friends? I'm terrible at this. My new years resolution this year was actually to try and be more social as I gave myself such a heavy load last year. It wasn't that fun and I really want to enjoy myself this year so I want to improve my social life and make time for people. I don't want to feel lonely and down in the dumps this year. Any advice would be so appreciated!

[Summer Rose]

Hi Missberri

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely right now. If it's any consolation, you have done nothing wrong.

Balancing work, study and socialising is tough for everyone. You have to prioritise to achieve your goals and rightly recognise that you can't do everything. Further, you are realising that you don't want to do everything (eg going out to drink every weekend). Good on you for being true to yourself.

I'm guessing that you are at uni and the friends you refer to are from high school. Is this right? My daughter just finished her second year at uni and I have watched this play out in her friendship group. You are certainly not alone.

My suggestion for making new friends is to join some clubs at your place of study. Clubs provide a natural connection and there is nothing better to bond people than to work toward a common goal.

From putting on a play to reviewing books to playing sport or music or even supporting a political party, it helps to have a common interest.

Kind thoughts to you

[Missberri]

Thanks so much Summer Rose. It is a similar situation to your daughter. A lot of my friends are also studying but at different places, but they're not working that much or doing that many units. I guess the amount of work they have had hasn't been as much and they've had so much time to go out together and drink and all that. I am planning to do less units this year though as last year was really stressful, but yeah I am just upset that all this has happened, especially because one of the reasons I was planning to drop some units was to spend more time with them.

Thanks for the idea I've never actually tried joining groups at the uni before. I get pretty anxious about that kind of thing, but I should try it out. I'm sure there would be people there who would be feeling the same way. Hopefully, there will be some really fun groups with some nice people! I guess this year I will just really try to push myself out of my comfort zone a lot more! Thanks so much again!

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

I think that there will be many people at the various clubs trying to make a connection. It may not be for everyone but definately worth a try. Working at the uni as a teaching assistant is also a good idea (helps with the resume too).

And please don't give up on all tbe old friends. There will be some with the maturity to understand the kind of year you had. The others are probably not worth your effort, as they likely have a lot of growing up to do.

Kind thoughts to you

[Gambit87]

I get hell anxious when it comes to going to new things. I kinda force myself because I know deep down its going to be ok.

when I first started playing poker - I almost walked away as soon as I got to the door. I got into the mindset that im not there to meet people - I'm there to play a game of poker and that made it alot easier. Eventually you do meet people because you keep going to the events.