How to make friends when you're anxious and shy

[NoodleChicken123]

hi! im 15 years old and in year 11, i recently moved to this new school (which im regretting a bit) but im struggling a lot to make friends/get close to people.

i have anxiety which makes it really hard for me to just approach someone or sit with anyone i don't know, but even when i'm not feeling 'anxious' i'm naturally really shy and quiet, however when i'm close and comfortable with people (like i was at my old school) im talkative and funny and everything. now i feel so lonely, i feel like i'm surrounded by strangers all the time and on top of that i don't talk to my old friends that often, i feel deprived of meaningful conversations and contact with people LMAO.

I'm kind of friends with these 2 girls, i sit with them at lunch, however they are the only ones i really talk to at all. there are some people in the grade that i say hi and bye to sometimes, but thats all. i feel so anxious that the other girls in the group are judging me or annoyed by me because of how shy i am (even though they seem nice), but i can't help it. i would like to somehow talk more and also gain more friends in my grade, any advice is very welcome.

I feel i should mention that 1) i also struggle with clinical depression, sometimes its worse, sometimes i can cope, more recently it's been really shitty and i dread leaving my house every morning. 2) i am currently not seeing any therapist, i also just don't feel comfortable enough to talk to my family members about school. 3) it's an all girls school, not that that's really important.

[not_really]

Hi there,

I've realised that we have a lot of things in common! Although I'm a year older than you, I'm also not seeing a therapist, and I go to an all girls school as well. It's nice to meet a stranger from time to time who feels the same way and is in a similar situation.

I think that transferring schools at the start of Year 11 is particularly difficult, especially because most friendships are solidified and the grade knows each other as a whole. Being the same as you- naturally quiet, but not that much when I'm around my close friends- I completely feel your situation. However, I've found that I'm really myself when I'm around people I trust. I'm not afraid of saying things that come to my mind, letting go of that social 'guard' that I put up around me at times, and most of all I can have those meaningful conversations and can find more things to talk about. Trust takes time to build, so even though you may feel as if your friends right now aren't close to you, if you wait, I guarantee that you'll become close to them, or even find someone else you can become close to. I'm not sure how long you've been at your new school, but you don't know who you'll be hanging around 2 months, or even two weeks, from now.

I've struggled with making friends before, and in those situations I wondered what it was about me that always made it hard for myself to be integrated with the other girls. Over time, I've realised that I needed to find the right people to be friends with, and these are people that are my closest friends to this day. Shyness is not a bad thing! The people who will genuinely want to be friends with you will appreciate you as a person. Perhaps let down your guard and share your interests.

So don't worry about it! I can't tell you how to be yourself or be genuine, and the only thing I can tell you is that your friends will come to you, as long as you just let go. Ironically, if of course you still try to be social in order to make friends, as long as your mental state is relaxed and not as fixated on gaining friendships quickly, you'll find it to be much easier. I'm sorry to hear about your depression, also. I don't know if you've had a therapist before (?), but I just wanted to let you know that I too am currently uncomfortable about talking to my parents about my mental health, which I guess is a step I have to overcome in order to access a therapist or GP.

Best of luck for the next two years!

[Guest_4643]

Hi NoodleChicken123, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, but good on you for coming here to seek support, and I hope you can find some, including from myself.

I relate to how you feel a lot.

If you have Facebook, why don't you search for things you like, such as bands? There's lots of groups on there, and you talk to people all around the world of all different ages, and you can build connections with them and bond about similar interests. But if you don't have it or you're not comfortable, that's alright too.

Maybe you could ask some of your teachers, Principal or something to tell the classes that you're new and that you struggle with depression etc and you're looking for some friends?

I wish I could be your friend and hug you in person. I hope I've helped in some way, I'm sorry if I haven't. I care though and I'll do my best to support you. Please take care, and please know that you're not alone.

Love and hugs,

Tayla

[NoodleChicken123]

Thankyou 🙂 really appreciate your advice and i'm glad you could relate

[NoodleChicken123]

thankyou, i really appreciate the support and advice 🙂

[44Max44]

I can relate to your situation all too much because I was in pretty much the exact same position myself.

I've always been the shy, quiet type and when I started Highschool it was a Highschool that literally zero of my Primary School friends went to, so I pretty much had to start fresh which is MUCH easier said than done when you're as shy and anxious as I am.

For the first few months of Highschool I didn't really have any friends, at lunch and whatnot I'd just sit near people I knew but didn't really socialize with, and it stayed that way for quite a while.
The thing that changed my entire Highschool experience was when I made friends with a couple of guys who were in my Home Group (not sure if you have those at your Highschool). What really helped me was finding common ground with them. I overheard them talking about Minecraft which I was in love with at the time, and it just went from there. Those friends I made in the homegroup introduced me to their friends, and that group of friends was who I hung out with throughout Highschool.

I'm exactly like what you explained; if I'm not comfortable with someone I'm usually shy, quiet, and very withdrawn, but if I get to know someone and can let my 'social guard' down I'll be cracking jokes, having a fun time, and just being a goofy goober in general.

I don't really have any great advice to give you because to be completely honest, I'm still a super shy and anxious person, but as I said above I'd definitely recommend trying to find people with similar interests as you, that way you don't necessarily have to talk about yourself or about them but about what you both enjoy. Does your school have any clubs/groups? That could be a good place to start.


Best of luck

[geoff]

Hello NoodleChicken123, and welcome to the forums and the hesitation people may have in posting a new thread, not sure what response they'll get from people, but there are many different people who have struggled with this illness who will understand.

The replies above my comment have been great and thank them for doing so, but can I suggest you contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800, they are able to counsel people from the age of 5 up to 25, and probably the most comfortable aspect is that they dress casually.

You can talk with them by phone, online or chat and the same applies to Reachout, Sane and/or Headspace.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_4643]

You're welcome NoodleChicken123, I hope you're alright.

Take care, we're here if you need us.

Hugs,

Tayla