How do you tell your loved one to seek help

[Elizabeth Louise]

How do you influence your loved one to seek help without offending them?

It's been a rollercoaster since my husband stopped his medication of 20 years end 2019.

I believe he was misdiagnosed with Generalised Epilepsy in his teens (he never had a sezuire) by a neurologist. The drug Is a psychiatric drug, a mood stabilizer or anticonvulsant. Even though he never had a seizure, i think the medication was actually helping him as it does also treat anxiety.

But he decided to come off it. The problem was he wasn't monitored and I think he might have tapered off it too quickly. Also it was the worst timing as it was just before Covid hit.

His behaviour, sleep and mood impacted. 

He has pushed me away blaming his issues on "our relationship" when I think it's the other way around. His declining health caused problems in our relationship.

I think he burnt out or had a nervous breakdown end 2020 ( after not sleeping for months).

I tried to ask him to seek help. I know my delivery wasn't great and could have been better.

His GP prescribed meatonin as he wasn't sleeping, had nerve pain and tingling in his arms & legs. That didn't work. He was prescribed antidepressants and didn't take that either.

I believe he has severe anxiety & has developed PTSD. He's paranoia has increased and still says he is trying to just survive. He is in survival mode.

How do I make him realise that he really should seek help without offending him? I believe he needs to see a Psychiatrist and go back on some sort of medication to help with the anxiety & PTSD. Maybe an antidepressant. He doesn't necessarily have to go back onto the anticonvulsant.

His sleep has somewhat improved but he still says he is in survival mode.

I am really worried about him. 

We were married and lived together for almost 16 years and I just know in my heart something isn't right, there has been an underlying issue.

I think his declining mental health created so much drama and new issues between us but he just blame our "relationship".

How can I help him? 

Whenever i have tried to speak with him about his health he just shuts me out.

He has no insight or awareness.

EL

[Sonay]

Dear El,

Your story sounds similar to mine except I’m in the position your husband is in.

After years of being anxious and living in survival mode, I’ve finally seen the impact my behaviour has had on my relationship. I’m getting help by seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants. I’m getting help because I could see what I was doing to my husband. He spoke to me from a place of love and showed me that I wasn’t taking care of myself. By feeding my anxiety and tearing myself down I was having a negative impact on my family, tearing them down as well. Living in survival mode is no way to live. For your husband or for you. (I know this is what you already know, sorry to restate the obvious).

For me what helped was the commitment to get better together, to work on things together. I needed to know I had support and understanding, flexibility to go slow when I need to and a firm base to hold me when I try to run away. It is a big job to do that for a partner so make sure you have support as well. I hope things improve for you and your husband. 
Sonay 

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hi Sonay,

Thank you so much for your reply. 

This really gives me some hope. I'm glad to hear that you sought help. I am wanting to speak to my husband that he should seek help because I don't think he will realise for himself. He kept pushing me away so much that he asked for a separation and we have been appart now for 5 months. He still blames our relationship and really can't see how his mental health issues impacted our relationship.

I'm trying to look after myself too, but the separation and the past 2 years has definitely had an impact on my mental fitness too.

Did a Psychiatrist or GP prescribe you with the antidepressants?

I think first he needs to see GP for a referral to see a Psychiatrist, he's so scared of the stigma to get a "mental health plan". I really don't understand what he's afraid of.

EL

[smallwolf]

I can understand how difficult and painful this situation must be for you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to seek help and it's understandable that you want your husband to seek help as well. It sounds like you've been doing your best to take care of yourself during this challenging time, which is really important.

On your question(s), I'm sorry to hear that your husband is struggling with the stigma around mental health. And for a number of reasons I have an interest in this area ... unfortunately, it's not uncommon for men to feel this way. It's important to remember that seeking help for mental health is just as important as seeking help for physical health. It takes a lot of strength to recognize that you need help and to take steps to get it. But you also cannot make a person get help. Except you could talk to him about the effect you notice, and by using "I" statements. Otherwise it a case of gentle persuasion and patience. 😞

Regarding medications ... I was first prescribed by my GP and then referred to an psychiatrist who now handles my prescriptions and anything associated with that. 

My hope that your husband will be able to overcome his fear of stigma and take the necessary steps to get the help he needs.

[David35]

It's hard. People going through mental breakdowns often don't see the change in their behaviour. I know from my own experience I could only see the EFFECT of my behaviour on others. (ie pushing them away, upsetting them, etc.) So there's the denial aspect. You're not dealing with the person per say, rather the illness itself, which is often hard to distinguish.

Once again, relating to my own experiences, anti-depressants help with depression. They don't, in my opinion, help with anxiety. In fact, my GP just recently upped my dosage of anti-depressants, causing me to have insomnia for several days straight. There are drugs for treating anxiety, but the medical profession has recently banned them and I can't mention their name due to the guidelines on beyond blue prohibiting me from using drug names.

A lot of the difficulty associated with dealing with someone like this is the shame associated with it. Speaking from a guy's point of view, it's very hard to admit there's something wrong upstairs. So maybe if you could reassure him that it's okay to NOT be okay, that might help bridge the gap. He might accept there's a problem, which is the first step to seeking recovery.

Lastly, make sure you take time to look after yourself. I know it's a cliche, but you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. The hardest lesson for me to learn was that it didn't matter who or what caused my decline in mental health, it was my responsibility to seek treatment; no one else's. Dealing with someone in this situation is very frightening, and just letting him know that he isn't going through it alone will help.

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thanks for your help. I will try that "it's OK not to be ok".  He has pushed me away so much to the point that we have been separated for the past 5 months. I am devastated. 

EL

[therising]

Hi EL

I'd have to say the most liberating way of thinking when it comes to me managing my mental health begins with the mantra 'Do I want to know how I tick?'. Being one of those mind/body/spirit type of gals, understanding how inner dialogue and belief systems (mental programs) interact with physical chemistry covers the mind and body. Adding the soulful aspect, that 3rd part, can help with understanding the natural 'soul destroying' aspects of depression and anxiety. Being 52, it's only in the last handful of years that I've taken a deeper interest in how the 3 all play off each other.

Absolute mind altering factors are sleep deprivation, COVID lockdowns (esp in Melbourne, oh my gosh), not feeling the love in a relationship, not fully understanding what's going on in the way of inner chemistry and what triggers it to do what it does and the list goes on. With that 'love in a relationship' factor, I found I needed to define what love truly means to me before I could figure out whether I could feel it or not. While oxytocin is a biggy when it comes to the love chemistry, there are also simple soulful elements to love.

Do you think it would make some difference if you approached your husband with the idea 'Do you want to work out how you tick on a number of levels, so as to figure out why you're suffering so much?'. Offering to work together so as to learn how you work too, could generate a sense of mutual understanding. Stuff like

• How could we develop greater sense of the emotions present when it comes to how each other's feeling a challenge
• What's our definition of 'love'? Are we actually on the same page (do we express it and feel it the same ways)? 'Different love languages' is an interesting topic
• Who do we need me to be when we face a challenge that feels deeply depressing? Simply a listener, a guide of some sort, a problem solver etc?

I imagine he's desperate to know why he's suffering so much. I hope you're able to work through this enormous challenge together. Such intense challenges become the ultimate test in any relationship. Like with those text books at school, I wish we could flick to the back of some kind of 'book of life' to find the answers. Would be so much easier.

[Elizabeth Louise]

Thank you so much! Thats a good approach.

[therising]

Hi EL

If you're a lover of good books, I've found a great book to be 'Becoming Supernatural', by Dr Joe Dispenza. He takes the mind/body/spirit concept and transforms it into neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. Bit of a mouthful but definitely an easy read for the lay person. The quantum physics part relates to the energy side of how we tick. The 'supernatural' aspect comes down to how it's incredibly natural or super natural that we'd function in a certain way energetically. What does dysfunctional energy look like, feel like, what causes it, how we can manage it (mentally, physically/chemically etc)?

Personally, I always love getting to the end of a good book while thinking 'I had no idea I worked that way'. We're such fascinating and complex creatures, that's for sure.