How do you stop yourself saying mean things to your partner when you've been triggered?

[upsidedownalice]

I have anxiety and PTSD as a result of a crappy upbringing (I was raised by a narcissist with BPD - it was pretty awful). As is often the case with anxiety, I am often triggered by things my partner says or does. Suddenly I find myself in deep anxiety quite suddenly and without warning for either of us. I tend to verbally lash out and make mean and unfair allegations and claims, which I regret later, once I've calmed down and done my CBT exercises.

As an example, last night my partner asked me to put down my phone as we were sitting down to watch a movie after putting the kids to bed. I was already feeling a bit stressed due to the conversation I was engaged in online and when he 'told me what to do' I was instantly triggered. I told him to stop controlling me and that I deserve to have a life outside of our relationship. And other such unfair statements.

I'd love to hear from other people who do this and what you may have found helps you rein it in while in the moment. Also if anyone has suggestions for how to snap myself out of it when I'm triggered, and / or learn to recognise I'm not under attack that would be much appreciated. I'm finding it's really damaging my relationship. : (

[MarkJT]

upsidedownalice, first off welcome to the forums. It is a great place to seek advice and hear other peoples stories. It is a very safe and caring environment so again, welcome.

You are certainly not alone in your matter that is for sure. It is really difficult to control what you say when you are triggered.

What i do is try and catch myself before i say it, so when triggered i try to remember that i am vulnerable to making these types of comments.

When I first starting doing this it was not working that well but over time it improved because it become a habit. It certainly is not fool proof and i still go off from time to time but it has certainly improved.

So essentially, as soon as you are triggered, you need to train your brain to not say anything until you are well into your CBT exercises to ground yourself.

Hope this helps a little.

Mark.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi upsidedownalice,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time with this and that it's affecting your relationship. I think that it's a great strength that you've been able to recognise 'triggers' as this is a really hard thing to do. For many people it can take a really long time to even know that they've been triggered, so knowing that something has triggered you is important to working through it.

How quickly can you pinpoint that moment where it's a trigger? The sooner that you can the easier that it can be.

I know from my own experience a trigger has been yelling and breaking things as it reminds me of my childhood. That's a trigger, even though it might not be not personal and a person could just be having a bad day. Learning that this upsets me makes it easier when it happens because instead of shutting down I can go - oh, yup I've been triggered, and then I can do what I need to do to feel safe. Maybe there are similar things that you can plan instead of lashing out; like going for a walk or run, journalling, getting a punching bag, drawing - whatever feels good in that moment.

It can also help for your partner to know and understand that what he's saying might be triggering you; so instead of "you need to" it could be "can you" - just a really simple word change that could make a big impact.