How do I control my fear and panic?

[Distraughtsister]

I have a sister who is a kind and beautiful soul. She quite literally does not hurt flies. She suffers from terrible anxiety and depression and it was recently suggested that she had undiagnosed ADHD which would make sense. She was in a health facility sometime ago and because friendly with another patient. She went into the other patient's room one night and sat on her bed chatting. Then she went back to her room. The other patient has accused her of rape. There is simply no way my sister did this. She is heterosexual. She is gentle and compassionate. She does not have a predatory bone in her body. Her trial is coming up. We are all terrified. Our father died 3 months ago. We are grieving. Our mother is elderly. We're scared of losing my sister too. We're scared of something awful happening to her.  I can't sleep. I just want to cry all the time. I'm on anxiety medication but I have constant anxiety and feelings of panic. I have 3 young kids. I haven't told anyone including my husband because it's not my story and she's so mortified. I'm scared of her being judged by people who don't know or understand her. How do I get through this?

[indigo22]

Hi Distraughtsister,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can hear the anxiety and desperation in your words along with the love and compassion you have for your sister. I am so sorry you are all going through this and I understand how difficult this is for you to deal with while grieving the loss of your father. It is a lot to try to cope with all at once.

I would like to firstly suggest calling the helplines for real time support, that does not mean you can't also be supported on the forums, however I think talking to someone professional for advice or referral would be of great help to you while you are going through this. This advice also applies to your mother and anyone else in the family who is struggling including your sister. There are several numbers that may be helpful but I would like to confer with our moderators to find the most appropriate service for you. I will reply again when I have done this, in the meantime you can click the button at the top right of the page "Immediate support" for contacting our helpline to talk or chat.

I will get back to you as soon as able.

Please talk care,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi again,

I have conferred with our moderators and have a couple of options for you listed below.

Griefline  1300 845 745 available 8am-8pm 7 days (this service would also be helpful for the rest of your family)

You can connect with a Social Worker free of charge through Centrelink on 132850

or by visiting a service centre and requesting to speak with a Social Worker

If you have not already looked into a mental health care plan with your GP, you will find more information in the following link

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092

As I said, these are options for real time support but we will also be here to support you so please feel free to continue this conversation if you feel comfortable doing so.

You are not alone,

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi again,

I have been giving your situation some thought and in case you have not done so, you could write a character reference for your sister. Anyone else who knows your sister well could also do the same. I have given a link below to give you some information.

https://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/going-court-writing-character-reference

I hope you are ok, I will be here to support you when you need to talk.

indigo

[HappySheep]

Hi DistraughtSister,

What a horrible time for you. My heart goes out to your whole family coping in really difficult circumstances.

You're doing great. You're being there for your sister and you mother. Keep doing that. They need you.

In order to keep yourself safe at the same time, reach out and get whatever help you can. You've got medical help - that's great, you've got the professional links that Indigo sent - that's great. Is there anyone in your own circle you can tell, just so you have someone you can phone when you need to? A friend who doesn't know your sister? I understand you don't want to tell your husband, but is he not wondering why you are so anxious? 

If not, keep reaching out on the forums here. There are people who will support you.

[Distraughtsister]

Thank you. Yes we have already had 4 people do that. The lawyers didn't think anyone would give much weight to mine as it would be assumed I would say anything to protect her. A family friend, a friend she worked with, another friend she made while in a different clinic and a friend of mine who knows her well were all happy to write references. 

[Distraughtsister]

Hi Indigo

Thank you for all your messages. I've been in at the court and so consumed with that. 

I've been quite upset since my father died so I expect my husband, if he notices anything would assume it was that. He's a lovely man but has some ASD traits and doesn't necessarily pick up on emotions and easily. I'm quite good at masking things when I'm with him and the kids. If anything, he's probably wondering why I'm not getting as much done around the house as usual but he would never comment!

I do have 3 very close friends who know. They all know my sister and they are bewildered of course. I have my mother and my sister's partner who is a lovely man. He is coming to the court each day too. The trouble is that as supportive as they are, no one can really help us other than her lawyers who are doing all they can. They can listen and they're kind but we actually have to suffer through this. I just can't bear to see her going through this. She is really vulnerable but has found a great psychiatrist and has been doing better over the last couple of years than I've seen in as long as I can remember. Of course this trial has been hanging over us since 2019 but I think it seemed so bizarre and everything happened so slowly that we were able to put it aside and she has been so well compared to previously.  For her to be managing her conditions so well and then lose our father and then be put through this is so cruel. I'm trying to trust that the jury will see the truth but it's terrifying. 

I appreciate your support. 

Thank you 

[indigo22]

Hi Distraughtsister,

I am glad to hear from you, you sound like you are managing as best you can under the circumstances.

It's true that life can sometimes be quite cruel and often times to those who are most vulnerable. The only thing I can say to that is I have been through some big challenges and having survived them has made me a stronger person and I think you will find in time that this will be true for your sister as well.

I totally understand your anxiety about how the trial will end, it's that unknown factor that takes you completely out of your comfort zone and leaves you in limbo. You are also right that this whole situation is beyond your control so my only suggestion is to keep your thoughts on a positive outcome.

Please keep me updated on how you are when you are able.

You are in my thoughts,

indigo