Holding down a job

[Chris1983]

I find it extremely difficult to hold down a Job for years. If I tell you about my past maybe this might help with someone trying to understand. I lived over seas for some of my child hood until coming down to Australia and being placed in a boarding school. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was very young and I also have a very low borderline IQ. So learning new information and keeping up with the speed of this crazy world is difficult for me. I've never been a selfish person or a greedy person. I just thought that if I could put my problems out there someone would be able to understand, or if they feel the same way towards my thoughts. I was only told of my limitations around 5 years ago by my parents (I'm now 40 years old) I find it difficult to read and retain information too. I've accepted my fate and I'm seeing a psychiatrist how ever the medication does not seem to be working so now we are trying psycho therapy soon. I get easily influenced by people as you can imagine, with having a low IQ so problem solving skills are not good. 

I've given up on the world and I've accepted my fate. I'm not adapting to this crazy world and I've struggled my whole life with absolutely everything. I hope someone out there is able to understand or share there experiences which are similar to mine. I've found the transition from childhood to adult hood absolutely crazy and I've been trying to keep up with the world, but frankly have given up. 

[white knight]

Hi Chris, welcome

I can identify with your experiences. A little about myself- been here at BB for 11 years, am 68yo and 2003 misdiagnosed with ADHD, 6 years later diagnosed with bipolar2, anxiety, depression but didnt have ADHD.

In my 20's after 3 years in the Airforce and 3 years as a warder in a major jail I got on my motorcycle and headed for the mountains with the plan not to have a plan except for not coming back. Each of the 5 times I did that I only lasted maximum one week. I wouldnt return to my job till that dislike of people and "the world" would push me up those hills again. So eventually I worked most of it out and here listed is the things I changed in my life-

• Learn motivation through lectures and reading that can now include youtube.
• Live in the country but within commuter range of family and friends
• Find distractions like following the footy/ hobbies like model airplanes, these things allow you to shut out the evil side of the world
• Reject toxic people in my case even family that dont bring happiness to my life and dont acknowledge my kindness but take advantage of it
• Accept myself for my inabilities. Such as cant focus on reading, get stressed with finances and crowds, dislike manipulative people and have to select friends wisely
• Seek out any mental health issues and try to get the best out of people.

So I noticed your medication has less effect and this is common in my experience. You might need a review which is what I've done many times. All sorts of changes to our lives demand these reviews.

So in terms of jobs between those two 3 years jobs I had around 85 other jobs, could never tolerate bosses and their pointing the finger at me and flogging a willing horse because I was a hard worker. They would let the lazy ones do less work. Also I disliked gossip, talking behind peoples back and so on. These are toxic work places. Eventually I started my own business as an investigator and that suited me so well I remained in it for 18 years so that ideal isnt common. 

A good percentage of people with mental health issues are empathetic and not selfish nor cruel, so there is an advantage with being this way especially in creative fields like entertainment, arts, writing. eg I write poetry. So seek out your inner calm and wonder to explore that positive side to your character and share it here if desired.

Finally, - you've said "I've given up on this world..." I had done also and on occasions I get a relapse and am extremely depressed but my quality of life now is overall exceptional so I mention that because you do have hope if you analyse your life, the reasons why you can hold down jobs and that you find people difficult.

Once you have built your fortress you will be much more content.

A few threads to read- just read the first post of each and talk soon if you want to reply.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790 

If you need emergency care ring 1300 224636 Beyond blue or lifeline on 131114

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi Chris,

Thank you for sharing your story. It's so brave of you to open up about your experiences. I don't have much lived experience but you might find following resources useful:

1. ADHD Australia: Provides information, resources, and support specifically for individuals with ADHD and their families. https://www.adhdaustralia.org.au 

2. ADDitude Magazine: A resource for people with ADD and their families, offering articles, tips, and personal stories. https://www.additudemag.com 

3. ADHD Support Australia Facebook Group: An active Facebook group where individuals with ADHD and their families can share experiences, ask questions, and offer support. https://www.facebook.com/groups/ADHDsupportaustralia/ 

4. JobAccess: Provides support for people with disabilities, including ADHD, to find and maintain employment. https://www.jobaccess.gov.au 

Hope it helps a bit. 

Warmly,
Mark

[Chris1983]

I've given up on the world as I live now with my mother and father at there home. I will not be leaving home and I cant survive in this sick and corrupt world of taking and not giving back. I did not mention that I am married and have a lovely wife who supports me but it is very tough on her as she has no family left. I cant put up with all the insults for being slow and need more time to think. My paretns are looking after me and I feel safe with them. My brother on the other hand is very controlling and incredibly arrogant and not wanting to understand my condtion, he only cares about his worthless self and nothing else. So I do not have any time for him, I try to get along but we are too different. This is shown with how different my mother and father are. Thank you very much for your support and help. I will not outlive my parents as this will be too destructive on myself. 

I have given up and the world has just eaten me and I'm not ever going back to work. The world is too corrupt and vile to ever want to go back to work again, I want no part in this sick world. 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Chris,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It takes a lot of courage to share your story.

Despite the challenges you face, it's important to recognise your strengths. You're compassionate, not selfish, you have a supportive wife and a safe family environment with your parents. These are significant positives that can help you navigate through tough times. You can utilise these strengths to improve your life quality.

Your compassion makes you naturally inclined to help others. If you're not ready to go back to work but still want to contribute, consider volunteering. It can provide a sense of fulfilment and help you feel more connected to the community. You can consider volunteering at local shelters, community centres, or organisations that support people with similar challenges. Helping others can boost your self-esteem and provide a sense of accomplishment.

Your non-selfish nature can be a great asset in community involvement. Participate in local events, join clubs, or take part in community projects. This will help you feel more connected and valued in your community. I believe it's also a good idea to consider engaging in support groups where you can both give and receive support. Your willingness to help others can make a significant impact and provide you with a sense of belonging and purpose.

With your wife, you can work together to set mutual goals and support each other. Whether it's managing household tasks, planning future activities, or finding ways to relax and enjoy each other's company, teamwork can make challenges more manageable. Maintaining open and honest communication with her is important. Share your feelings and listen to hers. This mutual understanding can help both of you navigate difficulties together and strengthen your relationship.

You can also use the stability and safety of your parents' home to focus on personal growth and well-being. This environment can be a foundation for you to explore new interests and activities without the added stress of an unstable living situation. Consider engaging in activities with your parents that you all enjoy, such as cooking, gardening, or even watching movies together. These shared experiences can strengthen your bond and provide comfort.

Leveraging your strengths is about finding ways to integrate what you're naturally good at into your daily life. It's about creating a lifestyle that supports your well-being and allows you to contribute in meaningful ways. Take things one step at a time, and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. You have valuable strengths that can positively impact your life and the lives of those around you.

Warmly,
Mark

[Chris1983]

I believe that since I don't have any real strengths in life, so memory is not good and my communication skills are poor, plus I'm slow in the mind with trying to do things. This over time has made me very angry and aggressive towards people as I feel that all they do is take away things from me, so bullying for example because I'm weak minded. I feel that I truly have nothing to contribute to society. My own father puts me down because I'm a push over. My mother on the other hand is supportive but all she does is agree with me. Frankly I'm sick of life and struggling and I want peace (so to end it) no one really will care that I'm gone. I hate life period and I cant look after myself. I'm a grown man with a child's brain and I cant change. I'm 40 years old.

[white knight]

Hi Chris,

I truly want to help you. I know from my experiences that for any suggestions from me or others make progress you really need to focus on those things you can change not those you cannot. The things you cannot change are likely the things people expect of you and that isnt fair to you.

For example- "I cant contribute to society...".  When I read that I immediately thought - "why does Chris have a need to contribute to society, if he realised with his limitations that he is better off NOT contributing to society, you will function better as you would have one less obligation".

"I don't have any real strengths in life.."  So again, reverse your thinking for example- what do you have in life? You have a wife you describe as "lovely" which is great, you can walk, talk and experience the beauty of life, birds, animals trees etc. So I recall an old lady telling me when I used to be poor "it isnt what you earn its what you spend". Very true so in your case "it isnt what you cant do, its what you can do and its others expectations that is the real problem not yourself.

A prime example that I can relate to is your slow pace of thinking. I have developed that myself and my memory is bad too. So I've told others that I'm in contact with about it. If they forget and try to rush me I remind them I'm slow, that is the way I am so "MY OTHER SPEED IS SLOWER". Then if they expect me to go faster I do one of 2 things- either walk away or ask them "can you tell my the answer to this question- I've told you I'm slow, then had to remind you, so can you tell me- why is it that you are rushing me again"?  this method is to isolate yourself from that responsibility to AN UNREASONABLE PERSON THAT DOESNT ACCEPT YOU FOR BEING YOU

Sometimes I've had to remind people "you expect me to remember things, can you tell me- do you expect a person to walk that is a paraplegic- to walk? " Their answer will be "no, of course not" ... "then why are you expecting me, a man without a good memory, to recall what you said yesterday"?

To ask people questions so they have to answer to their own lack of acceptance is the best way to make a point. 

To focus on what you can do and not live up to others expectations is to care for yourself.

TonyWK