Hitting a Wall

[Mr_Bryce]

Hello,

Im new here. Ive suffered with OCD and depression for the last 10 or so years. It feels really weird to talk about it so openly. Lately I feel as though ive hit this wall and I cant really see any way of getting past it. I feel lonely because I dont really speak to anyone and I dont really speak to anyone because I dont really think they could understand what i'm going through.

I have obssessive thoughts and checking behaviour centred around a fear that I am somehow gay without my knowledge, and that one day I will either discover it or that I will do something that will embarass and ostracise me. People call it HOCD for short.

I'm carrying around this secret and I find it hard to connect with people. I cant really tell people what im going through because i'm afraid they wont understand. Hell, sometimes I dont even understand it, so I don't really expect others to either.

Thats the sum of it really. I could go on and flesh out more detail but thats the main crux.

I guess I was just hoping that I could find people on here who know what im going through and wont judge me as something im not simply due to my obsessive fears and anxieties.

Is there anyone here that suffers from the same thing?

[Starwolf]

Hi Mr Bryce and a warm welcome to you.

I can well understand that feeling of loneliness. Most people have no idea what mental/emotional illness is so they often end up saying/doing unhelpful things or react by being judgmental. Amazing how so many people still believe it is due to some weakness or flaw of character...

You have come to the right place, here you will not be judged or misunderstood. Well done for finding the courage to share your story.

I'm not gay but have had a lot of interaction with gay people in the past. I still do. If being gay is what/who they are, I don't see this as a flaw or hindrance. Sexual preferences and inclinations don't make a person good or bad. It is true that minority groups tend to be stigmatized by the majority. Thankfully, being a senior, I have seen a lot of positive changes happening in a more reasonable, tolerant direction...though there's still some way to go.

I suggest you visit the "Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, intersex (LGBTI)" section of these forums. Lots of warm-hearted, caring and supportive people are to be found there. Sharing thoughts and experiences with them will help you feel less alone. No need to struggle on your own.

These forums are a safe place to vent your feelings and connect with terrific people. You are always in control of how much or little you want to share. Great to have you on board.

[Zeal]

Hi Mr Bryce,

Welcome to the forum!

I've had OCD for 10 years too. It is frustrating, and is certainly hard for many people to understand. I was diagnosed at 13, and my obsessions and compulsions haven't changed much over the last decade. My obsessive thoughts centre on the need for cleanliness and the avoidance of germs and illness. My compulsions are very frequent handwashing and reassurance seeking.

I hadn't heard of HOCD until someone posted about it on this forum. Here is the link to another conversation about HOCD: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/hocd#qjJWBXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Thanks for posting! Don't hesitate to post back 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[Paul]

Hi Mr Bryce,

Welcome. I'm grateful for the opportunity to chat with you and really glad you've reached out here.

HOCD is a specific type of OCD where one has obsessive or intrusive thoughts and doubts about their sexuality, specifically attraction to the same sex. This can manifest in good and bad ways but also be quite disturbing for the person suffering.

From what you've said in your post Mr Bryce, that seems to fit what you've described. I'm not en expert by any means.

I can imagine if this really is HOCD then perhaps you aren't gay. If we look at it the other way and assume you didn't have HOCD then it's likely the fear wouldn't be about suddenly discovering homosexuality, it would be more like exploring homosexuality. Having sexy thoughts etc.

The biggest question is; what would it mean to you if you are gay? I know that's a huge question and probably very anxiety producing, but if you can I'd like to explore it with you as hypothetical only. There's no intimation from me at all that being gay is a possibility, but I wonder if we could just chat about it a bit.

Take care,

I hope to chat soon.

Paul

[Mr_Bryce]

Hi Paul.

Thanks for your reply. In response to your question "what would it mean to me if I was gay?" I would have to say that the answer might be strange to some people but it would probably be a feeling of relief. Even though I consider myself more on the heterosexual end of the spectrum, finding out that I am gay would be better than constantly worrying about my sexuality. Theres even been times where i've decided to just go with the worries and try to 'be gay' but it never really sticks. Its a relief for a while because then at least im not thinking about it but then I realise its just not something I really want to do and so the whole thing starts again.

[Mr_Bryce]

Thanks for your reply Starwolf.

Its nice to have a place to talk openly about these things.

[Mr_Bryce]

Sorry I just wanted to add more as I realise I may not have fully answered your question. If I was to imagine myself being gay then it does stir up some anxiety. I mostly worry that if I was gay people wouldnt like me, that I would lose a part of my identity, that people might look down on me or treat me badly. I worry that I might be ostracised by my friends and family, and that I might miss out on things that I used to love. I worry also that I would lose my 'place' in society i.e: friends family etc and would have to start all over again. I think id lose everything I had worked for ans have to leave it all behind. I think these are the main driving forces behind what makes it so terrifying to me. Having said all that though after ten years of worrying about it and working with a doctor to face these fears thereis a part of me that would be relieved that I could finally stop thinking about it.

[Mr_Bryce]

Sorry for my three disjointed replies but I keep on thinking of things I want to say. As a part of my answer on What would it mean to me if I was Gay? - It would mean that I was forced into something I didnt want, that I would no longer be able to be myself and that I would have to start my life again not really knowing how or what to do in my relationships with people. I would also feel as though I would have to miss out on doing things I used to enjoy such as being with a Woman I love.

Thanks for your coversation.

[Mr_Bryce]

Hi SM,

Thanks for your reply. I read through the thread you linked me and the OP pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. Except that I pretty much avoid relationships altogether now, both romantic and the more simple friendly type. Its frustrating because I dont like telling people. But it's such an integral part of my life it feels wrong not too....