High expectations and perfectionism in young person

[Chipppy]

Hi!

ive always struggled with high expectations and perfectionism from a younger age, but when I entered high school it all got worse. I have breakdowns because I can’t answer a question, because I can’t remember something, even because I got a 95/100 on a test.

I feel like I’m going to/letting everyone down because I’m known as the “smart girl” and I don’t want to ruin that. I just want to be good enough. This issue has turned into me procrastinating a lot and that makes the situations worse. It has gotten a bit better over the span of one year, but I still feel a lot of guilt if I don’t do something right or if I’m not the best at something and it causes me to worry a lot. People at my school have also half-teased me for being the smart kid. They say things like “img I bet the smart kid” and “I thought you were mat to be smart how come you __ “ This has led to me breaking down in a history class because I was one point away from top of class and I felt really bad and started to worry.

i always feel tense and I can’t relax. I also have a big fear of failure, that I think it’s turned into a sort of phobia. If anyone could give me any advice to help it would be highly appreciated.

Thank you 🙂

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Chipppy and welcome!

That sounds really hard! I suffer anxiety, and I think that's where my perfectionism comes from, as prior to having anxiety, I didn't feel that way. I'm a uni student, and I recently felt disappointed with a mark of 90%. It's all a matter of perspective, right? As I have a friend who gets excited when she gets 60%. 60% means she has passed, and that's worthy of celebrating - whereas we're busy looking at where we "failed". Which, of course, we didn't - it's just sort of faulty thinking...

Are you able to reflect on what it is that's important about getting good marks? Or performing well? And when you say it got better for awhile - are you able to work out how it got better? Or what about it was better? Do you face pressure from other people in your life? Or does it come from yourself? Is it important to you to retain the identity of being the "smart kid"? And if so, why is that? That's a lot of questions, I realise, but maybe it can help you to see what's driving the behaviour. You could talk more here if you wanted to. Or you could write like a diary/journal entry and work through it - whatever you're comfortable with.

The other thing would be to talk the issue through with someone. I'm not sure if you would be comfortable talking to your parents? A teacher or school counsellor?

I hope my response hasn't overwhelmed you. It's a difficult situation and I recognise that, but there are definitely ways to try and get it under control 🙂

Happy to talk more, Katy

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to beyond blue forums. Like yourself and Katy I am also one of those sort of persons. I recently returned to Uni (part time) and when I get papers back, the red marks were/are like magnets - forget about what you get correct, those lost marks are .....

My dad was also a perfectionist. And daughter. I won't go into the what drove them; the question, if I had one for you is what drives you to need to be perfect.I cam talk about myself though, because of "things" from when I was younger I felt I failed everyone and an embarrassment. So that striving for perfection was just to be good enough.

Outside of talking to someone as suggested by Katy, you might also want to look at...

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Perfectionism

which I found useful. I am still working on myself in this area, but also a work in progress. Even if you only want to talk that is OK also.

Tim

[therising]

Hi Chippy

So glad you came here, looking for different angles on the challenges you're facing. You'll find a lot of different perspectives here and a lot of people who truly care about supporting you.

When you look back at primary school, can you recall how the teachers taught you the basics of everything? There was the basics of Math, English, perhaps a bit of history and so on. Some kids love learning the basics and when you love what you're learning, what you're learning can be easy to grasp. Now, let's get into secondary school. There is generally nothing basic about what we learn in secondary school. Just about everything is complex or complicated. Some struggle enters, as does the need to work even harder at grasping what we're being taught. Take Math for example: In secondary school, we're typically being taught the complex equations from the minds of the most brilliant mathematicians in history. That is a heck of a lot of pressure and information for a young mind to absorb. This can cause a lot of stress. On top of this, typically you won't be taught why you're learning such complexities and what they apply to in everyday life or how they originated (how they came about). You'll be taught to 'just learn them'. No wonder why so much is a struggle and doesn't make a lot of sense. Strange when you think about it but Math is another language in a way. You wouldn't be so hard on yourself perhaps if you were trying to master one of the most complex languages in the world. You might say 'This is seriously hard and I'm understandably struggling'.

You mention 'I always feel tense and can't relax'. There's nothing quite like secondary school to put things out of balance. With a healthy balance said to involve 8 hours of work, 8 hours of rest and 8 hours of play, the Australian education system doesn't quite see it this way. Homework cuts into both sleep and play time, creating a semi exhausted person who is being conditioned out of recreation. Recreation gives us the chance to constantly re-create our self. So important. This balance is incredibly important for mind (psychology), body (biology) and soul (nature).

If you were challenged to perfect balance, rather than perfect everything, how would life look for you? Could you learn ways to relax? Could you learn ways to 'play' or adventure (adding ventures to life)? Who could you look to to help you with this? What subjects at school do you love? What we love generally points to who we naturally are.

🙂