Hi, thank you for adding me!! weight issues, anorexia and other mental health issues, struggling, guilt :'(

[_FallenAngel_]

Hullo everyone, I have recently joined beyondblue and it's wonderful to hear you all 😊 👍🏼

I am single 30, living in Sydney. Lover of fine arts, oil painting, and sketching sorts of arts. Currently taking art classes at The Rocks.

My primary diagnosis is Anorexia Nervosa which I have battled for 11 years now. Bipolar II Disorder, with Non-Melancholic Depressive episodes; GAD and Personality Disorder. Life hasn't been the best but eating (or not eating) I have control over and I know that triggers my other mental health issues which results in extreme dieting, starvation, over-exercising and most of the time, nobody notices not even my brother because eating is such a fundamental pleasurable activity that people just assume you're doing it, even when no one's watching.

Anorexia plays a big part in my life. I would say it is the top dog of all my health issues. So I start my morning by weighing myself, it's a very regiment thing for me waking up, everything is in order and it can be very difficult because I share with my brother and he is often up before me and that kind of behaviour for people to do is not normal so I have to do in secret. I feel extremely ashamed sometimes as I feel I'm abusing his trust and space. Anyway I will weigh myself and whatever the scale says I wouldn't be happy if I had lost weight, and I wouldn't be happy for sure if I had gain weight. It causes so much anxiety before weighing myself every time and if I had gained weight, it affects not just my mood, it brings upon strong depression and really bad mood swings and I feel awful about myself (it is pretty bad anyway, but it would be pretty bad if I had gained weight.

I remember growing up, I was such an inquisitive child at school and at college my mind was never focussed, was restless, always wandering, I could not pay attention, always used to be so fussy around food, poor body image but I was very proper which turned into perfectionism and it changed my life forever... but I started to expect the same from others including my family and as a result a lot of broken friendships, relationships, conflicts at workplace... In my youth it only got much worse and inclined to a point where it has now become a big part of my life. However I am in recovery and hope to beat it without relapsing🤞🏼🤞🏼

Of all my mental health issues, if God can take away one I wish it would be anorexia for sure🙏🏼🙏🏼

Bless you all lovely people

take care

XXX

[Guest_9809]

Hello FallenAngel and welcome to the BB Forums. I saw your initial post in the Champions Intro thread, along with Croix's correct advice to re-post in the Anxiety Section. Good on you for having done so. I see you have been finding your way around some of the other threads on the Forums as well, which is great to see.

You will find all the people here to be very welcoming, helpful and supportive. And please be assured that the Forums are a safe and anonymous place for us all to post. They are moderated for the security and safety of all.

I guess since you posted on the Champions intro thread, you may well have already read my background? In case not, just briefly I am diagnosed with PTSD and so suffer anxiety and periodic depression. I am also a carer of other family members with PTSD, Depression, Alcoholism, etc.

I too am taking art classes, but its pretty casual, done through an over 50's organisation by the name of U3A. I took up art (sketching only at this stage, but would love to progress to oils and watercolours) and also poetry last year when I needed something to help calm and relax me to help with severe anxiety. I do find it helps because I become totally engrossed in it. All totally new skills for me.

I know little about BiPolar, but know more than I'd like to about anxiety unfortunately. I have a real life friend who is anorexic, and I support two lovely people here on the Forums who also have an ongoing battle with the illness.

I realise anorexia is very difficult to overcome. And I believe that treatment is aimed at providing you with a better sense of who you are, in the hope of getting you into healthier eating habits. Anorexia can lead to a number of physical health problems too, so I hope you are watching your general health properly.

If you feel comfortable in sharing, I'd be very interested in hearing what treatment you have had for your anorexia, and how successful its been for you. Any current treatment?

I wont give you a virtual tour of the Forums as it looks as though you have already managed to successfully navigate your way around very well. Check out other existing threads in the Anxiety section though, and please post to any discussion that you have something to contribute.

We are lucky indeed to have you join us here on the Forums and I hope you find benefit from being here. If nothing else, I know you will receive judgement-free advice and caring support from other members.

All the best.

Taurus

[CMF]

Hi FallenAngel and welcome,

I am so sorry to hear of what you are experiencing in your life. You have come to a great place for support and understanding. My daughter loves art and music. Do you find it gives you some relief from what you are dealing with?

I suffer anxiety on and off. I don't really have any experience with the other MH issues you are struggling with but i am sure others will be along who do have more experience and will be able to offer more. In the meantime I see you started a thread in the social section which looks like fun. Please feel free also to join us in the BB cafe. We go there to chill out and 'chat' about general stuff.

Great to have you here. You seem to be a very open and lovely soul. Hope to see you around the forums.

cmf 🙂

[_FallenAngel_]

Hi Taurus, Nice to meet you!!

Yes I do in fact find beyondblue a much healthier and friendlier place to be compared to a lot of other facebook groups which I'm a member of 🙂

And I've followed your posts briefly... PTSD and depression together are nasty and anxiety can excacerbate things further. It's not easy to deal when you are looking after family members going through similar situations. It's heartbreaking 😞

I have been keeping things undercover and I am not sure for how long. I went through butterfly foundation & nedc & relased both times with devastating results and before I knew it I was back to old habits. I'm currently seeing a team of psychiatrist, GP,therapist and dietician specialising in ED but again I worry on weighing days because I know I would have lost weight so I would hide ankle weights to make up for it. I know it sounds terrible. The psychiatrist put me on medication to increase my appetite but I researched what it was for and I stopped. I know sooner or later it's goin to catch up with me. It's difficult to explain to others what i'm goin through. For others that haven't experienced it themselves it's "just to eat"&"don't think about it".

I know I want to recover, I hate this illness and being it's prisoner. And no matter how much I want the freedom, I'm still thinkin of relapsing, about dieting, starvation, over exercise etc and an empty stomach that makes me feel lighter, the feeling of the tummy rumbling that gives me a high.
Even if starvation makes you weak and depressed, that empty feeling still makes you "stronger". It's like a high, like a drug.

Once in s while I decide that I will eat something more because I don't want to feel miserable like this anymore. But then after, there's the guilt and terrible depression and mood swings. I feel like such a failure. I hate myself. I'm such a pig. Why did I do it, and so on and so on.
I know my mind is so sick, and I know I can't change it in just a few weeks. I also know I can never be totally free from these thoughts but I know it can be so much better and easier to cope with them the healthier I get.

I don't know, I think I'm scared. Scared of recovery, scared of relapsing.
Or, if it's my ED that's scared of recovery and I am scared of relapsing.

[_FallenAngel_]

Thank you CMF for the warm welcome 🙂

I called beyondblue other day actually and the lady on the phone suggested it would be good to interact with online community and get involved and I think she was right.

I do find art very relaxing, I try to copy Van Gogh all the time and my teacher gets so mad at me lol... I love oil painting, Impressionist technique in particular 😍

Its great to see the forums are well moderated here. And I'm surprised to see the community here, they are actually pretty friendly hehe 😂😂😭

[geoff]

hello FallenAngel, your comment is rather concerning and that's probably why you are seeing so many professionals, but have any of them mentioned OCD, I say this because if you could google 'Anorexia Nervosa/OCD' and have a read of the many comments and then get back to us. Geoff.

[_FallenAngel_]

Hi Geoff,

you said it. OCD is something I have. I was born with I swear, it all started from OCD tbh and now it has become such a big part of my life now. You are right anorexia, OCD anxiety and depression all follow each other. It's vicious circle to get out of. My psychiatrist has told me lot more worse things than OCD, I think of them as part of life now. Trying to recover. Trying to have a healthy realtionship with myself. 🖖🏼

[_FallenAngel_]

And sorry I forgot to add when I feel depressed, i always think I'm not good enough at anything I do and that I should control food particularly, but I don't know how to shut off those thoughts and OCD tend to dwell on it.

[geoff]

hi FallenAngel, thanks for getting back to us, and if I can explain this in another way, if someone who has OCD (me) needs to do something several times, and there is a number of times they have to do it, mine is 4, although strangely enough, I can do it 6 or 7 times, but in my own mind I'm counting to 4 hope can understand what I'm trying to say.
I do this because of anxiety and need to do it otherwise I become very anxious, so with you, it's about not feeling good enough so you have substituted this by controlling what you shouldn't eat.
I hope I have explained that well enough, and I could suggest what you could do, but what I say might not suit you, because with OCD you have to make up your own mind how to control this.
It's great talking with you and would love to keep this conversation going. Geoff.

[CMF]

Hi FallenAngel,

you mention you you are trying to have a healthy relationship with yourself. That is GOLD! I love it. I think with any MI we need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are, not what we think others want us to be. You've really hit the mark here.

Paul has a great thread going called 'Do you love yourself? Your thoughts are welcome' I think with your attitude towards having a relationship with yourself you could have some valuable input there...only if you wish of course. There is no pressure, you are welcome everywhere here. As you have noticed, we are a pretty friendly bunch 🙂