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Guiltrip from my parents

ShennyChavez
Community Member

I feel utterly Useless about myself when it’s comes to my parents. 
Back in the day, when I was a child, around teenagers years, struggling to school, making friends, or even do anything because of my father had S*xually abused me and my mother didn’t understand nothing, didn’t protect me and said to me to be quiet about it ( which I didn’t , I went to tell my friends and ended up with the Child protection services). 

after a long journey of fosters homes and more homes, trying my best to be a normal person. 
Went to tafe <struggling> 

went to Oasis Army course < struggling> 

Had variety of jobs < struggling > 

But I did learned many things about life and humans d

In one of those teenagers years and until now in my 20s , I had enough courage to connect back with my families again. 
I thought everything would’ve been okay, they will understand me, the pain I’ve been through. 
However, I came to the understanding that my younger sister had also been unsafe with my father. I was shocked and burst out cyring. I requested my older brother to protect my sister and he went to my mother regarding this. My mother however was not supportive and instead blamed me for being a black sheep and breaking up the family.

She’s apologised to me what has had happened in the past.
she said if I still want to call her “mother” then I can’t be talking about these things with my sister again or else she will disappear along with my sister. And never let me see them again. 

Other thing my mother said to me, I have to forgive my father, and if she wants to see him, it’s not my business, and she’s promised me to protect my sister. Plus also stop being depleted and depressed about the past. 

she also mention, that she feels like I want her to die because I’m taking her husband away. I AM THE ONE that DESTROYED the family. everything was my fault. 

Now I have no idea what to do, I’m trying my best to cope and learning with my depression for years, I feel guilty about talking protection with my sister. 

in the end, I’m the black sheep of the family that made everyone stressed out because I cannot get past my past and wanting to protect my sister in my way is wrong for my mother. 
I think I should stop talking to my family in general. But I’m being honest, I don’t know what to do. 

2 Replies 2

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi ShennyChavez

 

When I read your post I could not help but feel what an incredibly powerful person you are. Chances are what makes you 'the black sheep of the family' comes down to how powerful you actually are in so many ways.

 

So many of the powerful abilities you hold: The ability to feel compassion, the ability to feel the need for serious change, the ability to speak your truth, the ability to feel the rage that comes with injustice and neglect, the ability to feel the selfishness or self service of other, the ability to open your mind, the ability to rise to challenges (even the seemingly impossible ones) and that is just a portion of a seriously long list of abilities or powers you have. One thing I have found in common over the years is the black sheep of the family typically has the ability to sense or feel what is there and this is what leads them to be so sensitive in deep and intense ways. On the other hand, insensitivity is definitely not a super power.

 

There are some people who like to lead us to suppress or dismiss what it is we have the ability to sense or feel and you really gotta question that, seriously question it. With you father, you have the right to question 'Why were you too weak to control yourself? Why were you too selfish to seek help so that others didn't have to suffer?'. I imagine you would have so many more confronting questions that he should be answerable to. You have a right to question everything you feel the need to question. And with your mum, you have the right to question her too, throwing some seriously tough and confronting questions her way. I'm a mum myself and I couldn't imagine any reason what so ever I would have for letting my kids suffer in such incredibly painful, mind altering and life changing ways. There is just no valid reason for justifying such incredible sufferance and abuse.

 

Perhaps you'll find your direction through taking your sister aside and questioning her. Asking her things such as 'How much have you suffered? How angry and/or sad are you? If I could change your life, how would you like me to change it? If I could grant you any wish, what do you wish for the most?'. You have the power to grant just about any wish. Not only are you the most powerful person in your life but chances are you are in her life too. If it's of any help...I have come to see guilt as a call to greater consciousness and that is all it is. It calls into question which path we will choose to take. For me, I see guilt as a sign post that demands I make an uncomfortable choice. Perhaps in your case, the choice is between 'Service/loyalty to parents' or the one that reads 'Service/loyalty to others (including yourself and/or your sister)'.

 

You are such a beautiful, courageous, incredible, amazing and powerful person, something I feel deep in my heart and the heart never lies.❤️

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Shennychavez

I saw your post last night & I needed to think & sleep before replying.

Your experience brings up memories & thoughts about my own past.

What gripes me is how you were dealt with, as though you were the problem & trouble in your family, not someone in need of actual care & support.  You were treated as if you were guilty of a crime, when your father ought to have been arrested & charged.

You have nothing to be guilty about. You have done nothing wrong. You didn’t break up your family - your family was broken by your father, by his behaviour which undermined one of the most important foundations for any healthy family. Your mother’s blame & rejection of you is the other betrayal of both you & your family. For your family, that’s where the trouble lies.

When you told your friend, that was you trying to put an end to all that trouble.

Sadly, how, in families where abuse is severe & there needs to be an intervention, it’s the child victims who are treated like problems to be removed. The system that supposedly ‘cares’ for you is broken. You are further damaged in that system. It upsets me to know it’s as bad as ever & I’m sorry you went through that as well as what your parents put you through & how you are regarded as a ‘black sheep’ for speaking up about the harm done to you, & your sister.

I tried letters to my father & brother, & only got excuse in return.

My family remains broken. My father is dead now, but that doesn’t make anything better. I struggle to talk to my sis. It’s so hard to feel the bond & connection we had before I was a teenager.

I realise I can’t fix what happened, can’t make anyone understand what they won’t even try to.

I can do something about how I think & feel about the past & how I am in the world, now. For me, I found a therapist.

One thing you might do is to be someone your sister can turn to. Let her know you will be there for her anytime.

This is your time, as an adult, to learn how to look after yourself, to give yourself the care & compassion you didn’t have from other people around you.

You don’t have to face this all on your own or take decades to, if you can find a therapist of some sort now.

Shennychavez, well done. Sharing your story couldn’t have been easy. That takes courage, which you have, courage & strength & a deep caring heart as well. Your words will mean so much to many people, not just me.

Hugzies

mmMekitty