From the mum of a daughter with anxiety

[Lizzie_K]

I love my daughter dearly and when she recently told me she’s been suffering from anxiety at school and has been for a few months... My heart broke for her and what she’s been suffering on her own and for me for not seeing it. If it wasn’t for a very close friend at school noticing that she wasn’t herself recently I would’ve never of known. She only told me tonight that she didn’t really want to tell me, as she wasn’t ready to. She’s asked me not to tell her father and I find that really hard. We are a close family and I usually discuss most things with my husband, and to keep something so important from him I’m finding that very hard. I am respecting her wishes and not telling him as I know how important it is for her to be in control of her anxiety and choices around it. I take time each day for one on one so she can speak with me about anything if she needs to or nothing if that’s the case. Some days she doesn’t have anything to say and like today she had lots. She’s not ready to speak with a professional yet either. She gave me permission to speak with a Social Worker I work with and that was very helpful for me to talk to someone about it but also to get some advice on how I can help her without making it worse. So here I am, she had a bad day today and a friend made it worse and there were lots of tears. I listened to her, I gave her some advice, I told her I loved her and what happened today wasn’t her fault and I support her in whatever decision she makes about resolving today’s dilemma and going forward. I love her so much and I want her pain and anguish to go away. I know it’s not going to be any easy or quick fix and I need to be strong for her and tell her how well she’s going managing her anxiety and life in general. She’s 15 and sometimes I wish for her to be 5 again where the worst thing that happened in her day was a grazed knee and the first thing she wanted to do when she saw me was say I love you and head in for a huge cuddle. We all struggle with our own demons and whilst my daughter is struggling with hers I have to hide mine from her and that my friend is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

[smallwolf]

Lizzie,

Hello. Welcome to beyond blue. You will find many people here who have anxiety issues. You are talking to one right now. I have been seeing a psychologist for nearly a year now because of this (and depression and ...) There was a night last year where I totally closed off from my family (wife and kids) and they knew something was up. So I went to a GP who referred me to a psychologist for a 2nd opinion and since then have been working through issues that affect me. For myself, I dont whether I will ever over it totally, except that regardless of whether I do or not, I have been given a variety of distraction and coping tools to help manage stresses in everyday life. So I guess that I can say there is hope.

My kids are both in high school - one in their final year and the other in year 10. From what they go through, and my own experiences at that age, I know things can be tough.

Can you tell me what you were looking for in posting here? For example, after tips and tricks for your daughter? Or yourself?

And now that you have spoken with your daughter about this, is she feeling any better now that someone else is aware of what she going through?

I hope you dont mind my questions, but I dont want to provide you with any suggestions that would be counter-productive. Your daughter could also join beyond blue, as there are other young people here also, and you are anonymous. (There are some tricky things here but should be doable.)

Anyway, I for one, am listening to you, and if you have any questions or want to chat some more...

Tim

[MsPurple]

HI Lizzie K and welcome to the forums

Sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with anxiety. When I was 15 I also struggled with anxiety (and ED but not important now) and I also had a lot of shame surrounding it then. I am no longer ashamed to have anxiety and have opened up to support, but I do understand where she is coming from. You worry about being a burden on your parents and not being the perfect child they wanted (and deserved). Now my parents tell me all they wanted was a healthy happy child and they never had expectations on me, but anxiety tells you they wanted someone better and perfect. I just thought I'd share that so you can maybe understand why she isn't wanting to share with her father yet.

I thought I should also suggest a youth mental health service called headspace. I am now 27 so I no longer use this service, but I have used it and I found (the ones I went to) very welcoming and understanding. They work in youth mental health so it is their bread and butter and that makes you feel more comfortable being there (if that makes sense). They have various centres across Australia as well as online services. https://headspace.org.au/ An alternative to headspace is going to your gp and getting a referal (and mental health care plan) to a psychologist (preferably one with an interest in youth). I have done both routes and both are good options. Just depends which she prefers and which fits in the budget (note headspace is a low cost/free service and some psychologists bulk bill but others do not bulk bill)

I hope this has helped. If you have any questions you want to ask me feel free to ask, I am an open book.

MsP

[Maa]

Omg Lizzie, I signed up today to tell the exact same story. My 16 yr old told me that she went to the school counselor because her friend suggested that she should visit her and the counselor told her that she has chronic anxiety. It breaks my heart. I have 3 kids and my daughter is the oldest. No shame in saying I love her the most, more than anything and anyone. I am so concerned for her but can’t overtly show it as she will be more stressed. Thought should join the forum to learn how parents are helping their teenage daughters cope with anxiety.

you have done the right thing by not telling her dad. I m doing the same. Respecting my daughters feeling and trust in me.