Forgetfulness and confusion - can this be caused by anxiety?

[luft_]

Hello to all,

Recently I have been under a lot of stress at work and in life. I run my own business in a high-stress industry where many egos exist, as well as endless deadlines and navigating endless politics with high profile people. I always thought I would enjoy this sort of work, but after several years I am really beginning to dislike it.

Lately I have noticed that I haven't been able to remember many things - deadlines at work, emails I have had to write, phone calls I have needed to return. I even lost $2000 worth of dry cleaning somehow. My partner has been noticing my forgetfulness too - I can't seem to remember to perform basic tasks at home, I have even been forgetting to pay the rent and electricity bill.

Life seems like a series of deadlines and never-ending lists for me at the moment - but perhaps that is what life is and I haven't developed a resilience and discipline for it? Maybe that's the whole problem? Maybe I need to get a grip? I do have ADHD but I have not taken treatment since childhood, as it isn't particularly bad, but now I am beginning to think it may be a problem.

I've also become particularly short with people lately, and have gone as far as being horrible, verbally abusive and nasty to those closest to me. I am not a big drinker but in the past two weeks I have gotten drunk to the point of saying the nastiest things (which I don't mean) to my partner. Unforgivable things. This was right after he had taken me on holidays for my birthday too. He didn't deserve any of it and I am ashamed of my behaviour.

Two days before Christmas 2016, my grandmother passed away. She had essentially raised me as a child more than my mother had, and seeing her deteriorate - her body riddled with cancer - over a period of 6 months was deeply distressing. She died right before Christmas, and rather than being able to mourn at home, in bed, alone for a week, I was thrust into all the activities that come with Christmas and NY - including in-laws who were visiting from overseas, seeing extended friends and family, parties etc. I had time off but I feel like I didn't ever get time to process it.

Perhaps on a whim, a month later I resigned from my job as I had received an offer elsewhere - which has turned out to be the wrong move too.

I don't really know what to do - I am finding everything in my life too hard, I'm procrastinating, forgetting everything and can't seem to get a hold of anything and it's terrifying.

[james1]

Hey luft,

You sound like you're under a lot of pressure at the moment from both external and internal stresses.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It's very understandable though, as balancing work and life is already very tough, let alone making big decisions about both.

You sound like a really self-directed person and I think that's a wonderful trait to have. It can also backfire though as we often try to do everything ourselves.

Have you ever spoken to a GP or another doctor about this?

I am not sure whether it's anxiety or stress, but both often have similar causes and a professional can really help us out in these situations.

It can be hard to let someone support us with these decisions when we feel like we should be doing it ourselves, but it's important to remember that they are not making the decision for us - they are there to emotionally support us through these tough decisions. So all the things you may be dropping to stay afloat...these are things the doctors are there to help us sort through and prioritise. Just to make it a little less scary and a little less burdening.

James

[luft_]

Hello James,

Thanks for the kind words - they're really helpful.

I have spoken to a doctor and psychologist about it - however I haven't had much luck in having things addressed. The problem is that on the exterior I seem really capable, confident, relaxed, charismatic, but on the inside I feel turbulent, panicked, stressed, pathetic and unable to deal with the most basic of tasks. I'm starting to have a lot of my work questioned however, so things are obviously starting to show.

I can't seem to open up very well or explain this to anyone - not even a GP or psychologist. Everyone seems to think I have it all together, and I find it very tough to be vulnerable with people when I am supposed to be a pillar of strength. I just have to keep trying I guess.

You're definitely right that I should try to share the load. But maybe I need to downsize too on how many things I'm doing - I just ended a contract with a client to try to give myself a bit more breathing room so that's a start.

I had a blood test the other day to determine if I have any hormonal or thyroid problems at the moment - because a lot of my stress seems cyclical or in step with my monthly cycle. However, the stress now is overstepping the cycle and just seems constant.

I hope things can quieten down inside my head. I just want to do things well, be proud of my work and life, actually be able to get things finished, and be happy.

And not lose my dry cleaning.

[james1]

Hey luft, I get you when you talk about not being able to open up with anyone. I am also really bad at that. Sometimes I just sit and wait for my psychologist to break the silence.

Have you had a chat even just about the fact that you don't seem to be able to say everything you want? Perhaps that is a good place to start so your psychologist will know that you're withholding, and that everything is how you present.

Good work on ending a contract with the client. I think that's wonderful that you're putting your health first - it's absolutely the #1 priority here and if you can try to reduce some of the overall load, that will help immensely.

It sounds like you're really overwhelmed but trying hard to make things work. That's really great to hear, but I realise it often feels a lot worse than what we want to show. So just an open invitation: this is your space so if you'd like to talk more about why you feel stuck with your psychologist, we're here to listen or help.

Yeah. I lost my motorcycle key yesterday. It was the only pair I had left. 😞

[luft_]

Hello,

Very annoying about the motorcycle key! They're expensive to replace too.

That's a good idea - to signal that I am not adept at getting everything out and have a good poker face so they know to press for more details or delve deeper.

I think a lot of it does stem from embarrassment and not wanting to talk about myself too much. I prefer to ask people questions about themselves. Even with a psychologist - someone who is meant to understand I still don't feel confident enough to display my genuine emotions and I end up wanting to know about their life. Bizarre I know.

I could just quit everything - I have enough money to take a substantial amount of time off I but don't really feel like that would be a long-term solution to this problem, and I also had it all earmarked to try to buy a house soon. It really takes a long time to save money to even get a fraction of a deposit in Sydney so I don't want to waste the hard work.

I have found a lot of doctors, psychologists etc. just end up advising me to meditate or do some deep breathing. I haven't really found this to solve anything, and I can barely remember to do it half the time anyway because I am now so forgetful. I wonder if there is anything a bit more useful they could recommend.

[james1]

Hah. What you've said sounds so much like me, I feel like I'm talking to myself.

If you don't mind, let me recount some of the things I've said to my psych in the last few months: why don't you ever tell me about yourself? I don't like talking about me. I'm good at asking questions of other people and having them open up. I love hearing everyone else's stories. I want to start again in a new job. Mindfullness doesn't work for me. Medication doesn't work for me either because I forget.

What works for me might not work for you, or it might, but the biggest thing I've done is to (over time) tell my closest friends two things: 1. I don't have it all together, but please don't ask - I will tell you if I need to; and 2. I will probably be flaky for a while, but I need you to keep asking me to do stuff because I'm quite isolated.

The thing I've found most helpful about doing this is it's a relatively easy way to open up. People know not to ask questions, but you also don't have to be worried that people will get frustrated and leave. Understanding the issue is so crucial for your friends and family who probably have no idea what is going on, or just don't know what you need.

Of course, some people won't be as accommodating, but my own friendships tend to be either super close and supportive, or just not existent. I suppose we all have different ways of making and keep friends though.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any close friends who know? And how much does your partner know?

James

[dookie081]

I think the forgetfulness and concentration can be both anxiety and the ADHD. I know for me, when I'm filled with anxious thoughts and dread, I almost can't speak or listen to anyone, let alone remember things.

I would speak with your DR or see a psychologist. I think there are strategies to assist with the forgetfulness when you are anxious (e.g. I have to write lists upon lists and everything down otherwise I have a 7 second memory when anxious).

[luft_]

Thanks James,

Some of my friends do know - in some ways I can actually be very open but always stop myself before I tell everything or show how much it's affecting me.

The problem is everyone always tells me to shake it off - "but you are doing so WELL" "you have everything together" "but you're so confident" blah blah... It's quite odd being told these perceptions when I feel very the opposite.

And with ADHD, the common misconception is that those with it resemble 8 year old boys with too much energy. I have been opening up about it lately and have been met with surprise at best. At worst I've had several people tell me ADHD is a fallacy created by American pharmaceutical conglomerates.

I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist and also a psychologist to discuss the ADHD and the anxiety, and am getting the results of a hormone test today. Sadly the doctor cannot prescribe anything for ADHD, and because ADHD and anxiety medication tend to be the opposite of each other - the treatment can be complicated. I'm not sure if I will resort to any medication, but will see what they say.

Thanks for talking me through this - hopefully I can get this under control!

[james1]

Hey luft,

It sucks when people pass off our troubles like that. Have you ever tried showing them online support things that basically tell people not to do that? Perhaps that could help them see that you are keeping a lot inside that you aren't showing them.

Ditto with the ADHD stuff.

Of course, if people just aren't receptive...well, I usually just stop talking to them. I guess it's just a matter of finding who really does care and knows how to, hey?

I'm glad you've got that appointment lined up. Keep up the awesome work. You're actually doing really well to manage everything, despite how hard it all is 🙂

James