``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

[bindi-QLD]

Hey everyone, hope your day is off to a good start. Thanks to anyone to can spare a moment to read my post. I've been dealing with a pretty life-long problem these past 6 months, and I'm wondering of anyone else out there relates?

I think my personality type, in a nutshell, is a `fixer'; the kind of person who deals with feelings of anxiety by `fixing' situations, things, people..... I've been heavily rewarded for it in my career and at times in my family life, so I've gone along all these decades oblivious to the down side, and not very cautious about it. And I'm good at fixing...had a career in IT tech support, been heavily involved in rescuing wildlife and pets for many years. I don't walk away from people or partners with problems, I make them my personal love and projects.

But I've (finally?) come recognize there is pretty major down side to it; it impacts personal relationships in a negative way- it kind of changes a relationship that should be based on mutuality, into a `carer/care-taker' type dynamic, if that makes sense? And jeez that's hurt me over the years, I've picked partners ranging from drug addicts to alcoholics, and worse. In the work place, it can lead to exploitation and overwork where I just burn out. And in my animal rescue work, as proud as I am of all the lives I've saved, it can lead to taking too much on and taking things to too much to heart....there's a lot of grief in that.

I'm uncomfortable with letting go of fixing completely, because I like the results of what I do in life....I see the good in it, a happy smile, a relief from pain. I don't think I can fully let go of who I am....but I am interested in how others find their boundaries with `fixing'? Like is it a matter of being mindful of when you're doing it, and do it within reason? (like picking your abttles...?) Is it about not blaming yourself when it doesn't work out? Or is it just better to deal with anxious feelings by writing them down, talking about them, and letting go of fixing altogether?

Any thoughts or feedback from anyone? I've been struggling with this. My mental health professional says he's proud of how far I've come in 6 months, but I'd really like to connect with other people going through this, if possible? Letting go is in no way easy, I still feel confused...

Any thanks to anyone who can relate, and can offer any thoughts?

Bindi

[Quercus]

Hi Bindi, welcome back.

I used to enjoy reading your replies to others before you took time out. Seeing your name return is a lovely surprise.

You aren't the first and you won't be the last to get utterly overwhelmed and need to take time for yourself. It is really good to see you recoup and return to try again. No shame in any meltdowns... I have had some whoppers on the forums.

I'm a fixer too. I respect how you mentioned needing boundaries.

I have tried to convey to anyone who will listen the importance of people on the forums being aware that there is a system in the background we don't see. Mods and management and the crisis team.

This is important to me because prior to becoming a CC I would get distressed and panicked and overwhelmed at times. Wanting to save everyone. Then as a CC I saw there is more to it. The forums are a safe place. Not perfect but they have to have systems in place otherwise people wouldn't write here.

It has helped me to realise like Pepper said that we can care but not take on responsibility that is not ours. This can be as simple as reporting a distressing post and trusting there are people who have our backs.

There is no reason to be ashamed of being a fixer. We just have to be aware of what is within our power and what is not. For example it is in my power to report a post if I am concerned about the person's safety. If I can write a reply showing they are heard and cared for too that is a bonus. If not... That is ok. I am human. Then I have to trust in others to help too. Group effort. Not alone.

Also I'm learning to assess myself. Chris B mentioned if you log off and feel worse you need time out. This can be applied offline too... By starting to recognise when you begin to feel things like helplessness and panic and anxiety. And making changes then.

For me that means time out. I have a friend offline who is unwell. Managing suicodal thoughts is a constant personal topic offline so when I come online I can't read those posts right now. I want to help. But I know I am at my limit. So I trust others to give what I can't.

Not alone and nothing to be ashamed of. Welcome back. I'm happy you are feeling a little better.

Nat

[bindi-QLD]

Hey Birdy, Its so helpful and encouraging reading your thoughts, thank you so much for sharing them . And it really is so nice to see you again, I'm sorry for the long hiatus. I was kinda training as a community champion here, waiting for my bluecard, and I probably had some kind of anxiety/panic attack. Its first time that's driven to me towards extreme paranoid thoughts, like taking a small bit of fact , ignoring the balanced view of things, running with the paranoia....the worst part was not noticing it. Anyway.....My doctor helped a lot, and I'm starting to become super mindful of how panic effects me.

''''What changed was, I pulled myself back into my own shoes. My own skin. I started to take care of myself ...
I don't know if I empower people, as Pepper and Pam do, but I've learnt to listen ... and keep listening, and listen some more.'''

This is such excellent advice right there :). I have come to see so much truth in it...you can't care for others, and you can't help them, if you're not caring for yourself. And that goes emotionally as well as mentally, physically, financially and all the rest. Something great I've done this year is carve out a decent space in my life for physical fitness, even when other people try to impose, interrupt, change my plans. And I'm letting go doing things for the ones closest to me, who really should be stepping up. It causes conflicts here and there, but I've stuck to my guns...

Anyway thanks again Birdy for encouraging me, I look forward to spending more time here again.

X

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Nat,

I just wanted to thank you for writing, and for sharing your perspective and a CC. So much of what you said is really helpful, and I can relate to what you mentioned about striving to recognize panic/anxiety before it gets worse, and taking the time away to regroup...

You know its great that you feel a sense of acceptance for being a fixer. That's the kind of thing I needed to hear, i think. That its not `wrong' as such, its part of who some people are. But you've got to find boundaries? Its encouraging to hear how you've found your way, I hope to find my too, Nat.

Lots of love to everyone who helped me this so far. I feel a lot better for it.

Thank you X

[Ggrand]

Hello Bindi,

I just saw this thread and wanted to say welcome back...I really hope your doing ok,..

I don't have nothing to add atm, I just saw your name and wanted to say hello. I will read through your thread later on today ifvtgats ok..I think I would definitely be a fixer, if it's what I'm thinking of..

I will bbl...Love and care xx

Grandy..

[StewartC]

Hi Bindi,

I relate to your post, I would describe myself more as a 'rescuer' than a 'fixer' though. Having recently worked through yet another bout of Anxiety, upon refelction I can now see how my 'rescuer' tendancy has pervaeded so many relationships and occupations that I have gravitated towards. The trick for me is to be aware of my tendency so I can check any decisions I make beforehand. I like being a helper but realise now that when I slip into the Rescuer role I can actually be affecting another person's growth and neglecting my own. just my thoughts, take care. Stew 🙂

[Cordy]

Hi Bindi

I think the world is a better place when people help others. The trick is however not to be too consumed in being a fixer and taking on other people's problems and anxieties. Easier said than done. I am still learning. I try to recognise when this is happening as my first step. Then I try to sit back and touch base with the person and not take on ownership of their needs. Again, I am learning to do this. I need to self talk myself or to a friend that I cannot take on other peoples problems but I can be there for them and not at my own cost. What I am focusing on is fixing myself and trying to help others but at a distance or through a charity. Hope this makes sense 🙂

[Ggrand]

Hello Bindi and everyone,

I thought about this before I came back..

I agree with Cordey , this world needs more people who are not afraid to get out and help someone they know is in need, be it just a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, kind words for their ears, a beautiful smile, These are all free and to the person on the receiving end these gestures are worth a lot more then I think the giver will ever be aware of,

I said in my earlier post I think I'm a fixer, I would like to correct that if I can, I am definitely a helper and it really makes me feel good when I'm able to help someone, and just guide them onto the right path that they should take, However, if I'm asked to help try to fix their problem, then I will try but only to a certain degree, I feel it's up to that person to fix their own problem if they can, because if they can fix it they get a confident brick to add to or start building their confidence back up...

Grandy..

[JessF]

Being a fixer can be a good distraction I think. I have never used these forums to talk about my own problems, but I do come here to try and help others as a type of coping mechanism. Through helping others I do believe you can sometimes help yourself by getting new perspectives on things you might be going through. It is only when you start to take on board other people's problems as your own that it can become too much, and feeling responsible for fixing their lives. I don't find that happens to me here but it has been a problem in my real life.