``Fixing'' (others) as coping mechanism for Anxiety..

[bindi-QLD]

Hey everyone, hope your day is off to a good start. Thanks to anyone to can spare a moment to read my post. I've been dealing with a pretty life-long problem these past 6 months, and I'm wondering of anyone else out there relates?

I think my personality type, in a nutshell, is a `fixer'; the kind of person who deals with feelings of anxiety by `fixing' situations, things, people..... I've been heavily rewarded for it in my career and at times in my family life, so I've gone along all these decades oblivious to the down side, and not very cautious about it. And I'm good at fixing...had a career in IT tech support, been heavily involved in rescuing wildlife and pets for many years. I don't walk away from people or partners with problems, I make them my personal love and projects.

But I've (finally?) come recognize there is pretty major down side to it; it impacts personal relationships in a negative way- it kind of changes a relationship that should be based on mutuality, into a `carer/care-taker' type dynamic, if that makes sense? And jeez that's hurt me over the years, I've picked partners ranging from drug addicts to alcoholics, and worse. In the work place, it can lead to exploitation and overwork where I just burn out. And in my animal rescue work, as proud as I am of all the lives I've saved, it can lead to taking too much on and taking things to too much to heart....there's a lot of grief in that.

I'm uncomfortable with letting go of fixing completely, because I like the results of what I do in life....I see the good in it, a happy smile, a relief from pain. I don't think I can fully let go of who I am....but I am interested in how others find their boundaries with `fixing'? Like is it a matter of being mindful of when you're doing it, and do it within reason? (like picking your abttles...?) Is it about not blaming yourself when it doesn't work out? Or is it just better to deal with anxious feelings by writing them down, talking about them, and letting go of fixing altogether?

Any thoughts or feedback from anyone? I've been struggling with this. My mental health professional says he's proud of how far I've come in 6 months, but I'd really like to connect with other people going through this, if possible? Letting go is in no way easy, I still feel confused...

Any thanks to anyone who can relate, and can offer any thoughts?

Bindi

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Bindi,

Just a quick one from me. I wanted to respond because, interestingly enough, I’m not a fixer. Never have been...

Maybe it sounds odd because I’m definitely not the person you’re wanting to respond to your post. But maybe...just maybe because I have such a different mentality when it comes to “fixing” that I might be able to offer another perspective?

I wonder if part of your desire to “fix” is because it partly stems from wanting to feel “needed”, being afraid of feeling helpless, being a little overly “solution oriented” or being uncomfortable “sitting with” someone else’s pain (i.e. maybe it’s hard for you to simply listen without jumping in with advice and “solutions”).

Maybe things to think about...You sound like a deeply caring person with good intentions who likes to help. But all this fixing is clearly taking its toll on you...

I don’t know if I will be much help but as I’m a non-fixer, maybe I can offer my thoughts...

Personlly, i try to empower people to fix their own problems rather than doing the fixing myself. Maybe that’s something you might like to contemplate. With this mentality, you would still be helping people but you wouldn’t be doing the “saving.” I’m happy to elaborate if this resonates...

Also, I operate under the mentality that people are responsible for their own lives. I tell myself to trust people to have the ability to make decisions about their own lives regardless of whether the outcome is good or bad; it’s their right. I feel this helps me to let go of the need to “fix”...let people make their own decisions.

I also don’t take it personally if people reject my suggestions. I try to acknowledge and accept we are all different and my approach may not work for everyone. This helps enormously especially if people don’t like my ideas...

Hope this gives you some ideas.

kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[bindi-QLD]

Oh Hey pepper,

Oh yes, that's exactly the kind of feedback I value, and even moreso since you have a different approach, and come from a totally different perspective. You're the kind of person I'd like to learn from, maybe I'll read some of your posts from time to time, see where i'm going wrong?

And yeah, you're right, fixing started early on in life with me. I'm pretty sure because of anxiety. I like what you suggested, about thinking about whether what i have to say is empowering, or whether I'm just being impatient, and trying to make my anxious feelings go away. That really helps!

A friend of mine told me have to learn the phrase `` that really sucks''. LOL! But I think as crude as it sounds, that it helps to think of other people's problems as something they can sort out on their own, not something I need to take onboard..

Thank you heaps pepper. I really appreciate your thoughts.

X

[james1]

Hello Bindi,

I have a very similar issue. I consider myself a helper and I always have been, even to my own detriment. Like you, I kind of also don't want to stop as I consider it a part of me.

For me, it's a slow transition. I used to think of myself as a fixer, and now I think of myself as a helper. It's semantics, but if i am helping and not fixing, the responsibility is not on me.

In my case, it is probably a lot due to my anxieties that got built in from confrontation. My environment was basically mum vs dad, mum vs grandma, mum vs me, dad vs me, all day and every day. To me, it was all linked and if only I could fix mum and dad, maybe they would stop yelling at me too.

I think I've carried that through process through to today, even if the person I am trying to fix/help is not angry at me at all. It's just an automatic anxiety that arises as soon as someone else is on edge for whatever reason.

Anyway, the cause might be very different to you (or similar), but it's very hard. I can't seem to make the anxiety go away unless I am doing something productive.

James

[Birdy77]

Dear Bindi 🌞

I just was so happy to see your name pop up again, you have been missed!!

I don't have anything profound to say, but I most certainly used to be a fixed, and now am suddenly not! So I will think on this and get back to you with thoughts about the changes, if I can.

Lovely to see you.

🌻birdy

[PamelaR]

Hello Bindi

Welcome back! Yes, I'm so pleased to see your name pop up too.

I think we had a similar discussion some months ago. I'm a little like James above, my fixing (helping) has to do with getting my parents to stop fighting, getting my mum to stop being anxious and depressed . All this would then stop me being hurt too.

So in a way peoples anxieties and depression have been a trigger for me. A trigger to go into fixit mode. Having one of my psych's help me recognise that, I've been able to take a step back now.

First it's been to recognise i'm triggered. Then to say to myself, I don't have to 'save this person', they can do that themselves. What I do now, (I hope) is empower people - as Pepper says - to help themselves. I can't do it for them. Give people options about what has worked for me and what hasn't. It truly is up to them to decide what they do.

I had to learn that often people wanted to talk about themselves, in fact, they really weren't interested in me 'solving' their problems. They just wanted to rant. To have an ear to listen to them. Often I find now that people can work out there own answers my 'just airing' their issues.

So pleased to hear you're working through things - great stuff Bindi. Good to have you back.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Pam, (huge hugs) So sorry you had to watch me melt down in January from trying to `fix the internet'. Thank you .so. much. for trying to warn me. I know you were trying, but I just wasn't getting it? I am a little embarrassed that it came to having a full anxiety attack and an episode of paranoia before I did. I've taken some time out and got some good therapy since then, its really helped. X

To be honest, I think you have it nailed, Pam, when it comes to the healthy balance between helping, personal boundaries ,and mutuality with regard to the connections you make. I know we all struggle though, when we've come from backgrounds where `fixing' was how we successfully survived trauma.

Thanks so much for popping in saying hi, I've missed you too.

X

[bindi-QLD]

Hey Birdy! I missed you too. Thanks for saying hi and giving me some support. Its really nice to be back in good company, with good people. I've missed you

Lots of love!

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Bindi (and all),

All good, no problems at all. I was happy to offer my thoughts and it’s great to hear from you again. Thanks for the lovely reply too 🙂

Um...just skimming through some of your posts, I take it that you were triggered by trying to “save the Internet” (so to speak)...that must have been really upsetting and unsettling.

I don’t know the background of all this but maybe it’s not so much about “going wrong” as you phrased it. But I wonder if perhaps it’s more about approaching posts with a different mindset to your January mindset.

To your credit, you took some time out and sought help. I think it’s wonderful you took such a proactive approach to help yourself. Good on you...

I really appreciate Pammy’s point about the power of empathy/listening. I feel people often underestimate just how powerful that can be. I completely agree with her that sometimes people just want to feel heard and aren’t necessarily looking for advice or solutions...

Like you, I also have a lot of empathy but the difference between us is I have never felt the need to “save” people. In my case at least (and I get that it’s different for everyone), my empathy means I can sometimes sense when people just want a sounding board (rather than necessarily advice, “answers” and “solutions”), in which case, possibly the best thing that I can do is listen, reassure and comfort. So that’s what I do sometimes...

If you have any questions, I’m happy to offer my thoughts? I probably don’t understand you as well as your fellow “fixers” (so to speak). But as I said before, what I can perhaps offer is an alternative perspective.

Pepper xoxo

[Birdy77]

Dear Bindi,

Without knowing what went wrong last time you were here , re: your meltdown, I would recommend trying to let that go and move forward as if never happened! Those of us here with you now are interested in what's going on for you in the present.

I just know all of a sudden you weren't here and I missed your wise posts and insights, and wondered if you'd come back ... and you did, yay!!

Omy I your topic:

I used to be a fixer. It was exhausting.

I know we've talked in the past about codependency and I think for me those two things go hand in hand.

I dunno, but I feel like back then, I was a people-pleaser. I was someone who wanted everything to be good between everyone and I would twist myself into a pretzel in order for all others to be chillaxing on their respective chaise lounges 🙄

What changed was, I pulled myself back into my own shoes. My own skin. I started to take care of myself ...

I don't know if I empower people, as Pepper and Pam do, but I've learnt to listen ... and keep listening, and listen some more.

I admire your friend's advice, to say "that really sucks" ... and then I sometimes try to brainstorm some solutions, but I'm done trying to fix other people's issues! I have enough of my own for the rest of my lifetime!!

Missed ya xo

🌻birdy