First post. Having a tough time with anxiety and depression.

[Rod_NR93]

Hi all, this is my first post. I have diagnosed sensorimotor OCD, major depression and (subtle ADD). I see a great psychologist who is giving me ERP treatment and a psychiatrist for medication. He says I'm progressing well but I doubt him as I still feel just as anxious much of the time. Over this 'festive' break I've been doing it tough. A couple of days ago I had a meltdown or panic attack which is still leaving me unsettled. I cried uncontrollably at the time.

There are three issues that are really stressing me at the moment. Firstly is my medication. I'm on a medium dose of medication for the ADD and OCD, which my psychiatrist says are related. I've tried pretty much all other anti d's without much luck. The medication is knocking me about a lot lately because of its 'rebound' affect. It's a great mood lifter and helps me focus my attention positively but it can wear off quickly which leaves me feeling highly agitated. There's the longer acting version of it but that causes me insomnia. I feel I can't win and which left me panicking the other night cos I felt 'there's no way out'. (I have no self harm ideation.) I'll phone for an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday but I feel I'm running out of options.

Secondly is the OCD. I've had it of sorts for over 20 years and my fears feel SO certain and real, despite there being no logic to them. I know the OCD happens despite me, not because of me, due to part of my brain firing incorrectly, which causes the 'something's wrong' feeling. The obsessions feel logical to me but all objective evidence says they are not. It just feels too tough, like a can't win this, particularly when I have setbacks. My psychologist is adamant I'm progressing well but it doesn't feel that way to me much of the time. This fuels my depression.

Thirdly is the meltdown/panic attack I had a few nights ago. It was so awful and I dread it happening again. I can feel it lurking. The meltdowns are the worst feeling and when I have them my whole future seems black. It's just misery with a sense of there being no way out.

 Thanks for reading this.

[white knight]

Hi Rod, welcome

I wrote an article that you can google - google "topic: what life's like a the end of the tunnel - beyondblue" Its relevant as is "Topic: depression- a ship on the high seas - beyondblue" which is a metaphor of the illness.

We are sufferers too so we cant advise on medication or professionals treatments. However, as my articles elude to, once you have gotten to the best place medication and treatment can get you to, you never look back. It took me several years, misdiagnosis and at least 12 meds to get the right blend of two meds to get where I am today. I have depression, dysthymia and bipolar 2. I successfully got over anxiety after many years.

In fact recently I missed one night of my anti-depressants and the emotions that returned were a stark reminder of what its like to be melancholy and so so sad. These emotions ruled my life, determined my success with friends and life was so hard.

So the meds will rein in your symptoms and your treatment with your psych will pay off in the long run. Give it a red hot go before you move on. Sometimes it just seems they are dragging out your treatment for more income- not so. treatment takes time.

There are many threads here to read up on that will set your mind to a positive direction. Self help methods work really good. One such direction is mentioned in another one of my threads you can google - "Topic: when all is lost what can you do? , be radical - beyondblue"

Regards Tony WK

[KTOCD]

Hi Rod,

very happy you have joined us here. Sorry u r having such a hard time. I too suffer from OCD. I struggle most with obsessions and intrusive thoughts. I know they aren't logical but can not control them. I've learnt to manage and live with compulsions. I have been on ADs for a very long time. I took myself off them once because I felt fine .....not a good idea. I did well for awhile but eventually all the obsessions and intrusive thoughts came back. I cope much better on meds. Keep trying with them. It takes a while to find the right one and get the dosage right. It is worth it in the end though. I don't think I could hold down my job or relationships if I wasn't on meds. 

Are you telling your psychologist all of your obsessions? I get very bad intrusive thoughts at times and have only gone into detail with one psychologist. Find it very hard to go through it. Does he/she have the full picture of what is happening?? 

Talking on here is a great help for me. The fact that you have joined us is a step in the right direction. That shows u r taking some action to help overcome your anxiety - this is progress in itself. 

Keep talking on here. look forward to hearing back from you! 

KT

[Rod_NR93]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate you taking the time. 

I think my psychologist is right in saying I'm making progress, despite me feeling to the contrary at the moment. I've told him all my obsessions and have held nothing back. He knows I doubt my progress but he is adamant I am on the way. He also said I should anticipate setbacks where I feel I'm back to the starting point. He said recovery from OCD is not linear, so I should not see my progress as a line on a chart. This guy is the best psychologist I've ever seen. He said he is determined to work with me and will not give up on me. Such is his experience and competence, he is probably right about my recovery, even though I don't believe him. 

As for the medication, I'm still stressing. I tried all sorts of meds and combinations thereof for a number of years before trying the current one. It worked really well for a number of years. It stopped the OCD in its tracks but now it's more fickle and its side effects (agitation and re-bound mainly) have been worse. What I don't want though is medication that takes all the pain and anxiety away. I need significant remaining OCD symptoms for me to use in my ERP therapy. (You can't do ERP therapy if your obsessions are not present.) What I'm seeking from medication is some greater mood stability, less re-bound and a lessening of the current pain. It's a very fine balance.

I think the xmas-new year break knocked me about a lot also as my routine was gone. Sitting around at home doing little and simply the thought of my regular support services not being currently available has affected me badly. Tomorrow I'm back to work. Hopefully the return to routine will lessen the current pain. Either way I've still got a hell of a lot of recovery work to go. 

[Jay-Kay]

I think you are very brave, Rod. The xmas/new year period knocks a lot of us sideways, and it's really hard to find your rhythm again. I hope being back at work makes you feel more focused.....

meanwhile, I hear your patience and determination: you're obviously very committed to recovery and well-being, and that determination will take you a long way. I like to do lots of guided visualisations for making a safe space at least that way, no matter how tough things are, I can remind myself: this is just part of the recovery journey, this too,, will pass  and I will get through this. I imagine those relaxed moments more and more, connected, within me..... good luck