Feeling really stuck, lonely and unable to decide what I want.

[criss]

I've lived alone for years, had relationships on and off that didn't work. Never married. I spent a long time alone working on myself, my home, I travelled and did all I could to follow my truth, be honest with others, work hard and overcome my own issues at times. For the most part, outwardly I seem like I have done good. Many of those years alone I felt comfort knowing I was free to live my truth, even when I struggled I got up and kept going. I guess I believed that one day, things would fall in to place and someone would appear in my life that would complement and add that missing element. That hasn't happened. I don't worry about needing someone to live with, to offer me financial security or anything like that. I'm used to living on my own. 

However, the last few years I feel so very sad and empty inside. I can't even talk to friends about it because often they tell me how envious of my freedom they are and don't hear me. I look at joining groups, classes like I used too etc but nothing inspires me any more. I feel the world has changed around me, things aren't how they used to be. I do not find online meetup and social media at all fulfilling and don't participate although I have recently been tempted to a virtual other world platform simply to be able to feel like I can find connection. When I think about meeting someone new and a possible relationship I'm frozen and fearful and question myself whether I really want someone new because I don't trust whats out there. Many do not reveal themselves honestly any more. I look forward to work for the activity and friendships but my life at home feels so empty. I've been tempted to contact old flames just for the connection, but I've done that before and it always ends badly where I regret calling. I stop myself each time I think this way now for fear of making the wrong decision in reaching out as I have experienced alot of disappointment and let down in my life and do not want to feel that pain again. So, I'm stuck.

I'm not sure what to do from here in my life. I'm in my mid fifties, and keeping it together barely internally. Just reaching out here for so feedback and to be heard.

Thanks in advance for reading my post and sharing...

[Guest_1584]

ps , and yeah too there is all sorts of situations even people in relationships or marriages are in where it can actually be a lot harder if anything being two in many ways, especially if kids are involved.

l was talking about the making it happen thing with a female friend a few yrs back actually and l must admit we were agreeing on thoughts about all that stuff.

We were saying it wasn't so much about actually going out there and expecting to make it happen as such, but more a frame of mind. A bit like say ok l am ready and l'd really like to meet someone.  And just that attitude and vibe just more so kind of sending it out there so to speak in your everyday life and in things you do within your persona, a bit like turn that switch on.  like they say you attract what you feel in life and l personally believe that to be true in many ways. And so in opening that door again, kind of turning on that switch - l believe as with many things in life , it may just open you up and that door , into not really making it happen but more kind of allowing it too, or even subconsciously leading you in situations where it could.

rx

[criss]

Yeah, good words. Allowing it to happen when ready instead of making it happen.  I figured by a certain age I'd be ready inside but I guess we are ready when we are ready to allow it.

Thanks and good journey forward to u too, c how we go.

[Jem73]

Hi, 

You post was the summary of my life.  I was keeping it all together until recently.   Had a recent relationship that is more familiar than health.   It was something that gave me excitement and chaos.   It gave me a break from  thinking of my inadequacy.   But I am a incredibly emotional person who hides my authentic self because it's shameful.   Tought and in control has always been the way to go.  I ended the relationship because I was suffocating myself because he didn't want to make the relationship officially or share with his family and friends.   I am 40.  It should be getting easy.  But I can't find my centre.  I am drowning and can't seems to come up for air.  I don't know how I can keep up.  I want a relationship to work so I have a end date for my miserable existence. 

[criss]

Hi Jem

I relate to being tough and in control the way to go...it was the only way in my life to keep going, being self sufficient and it came from a place of not trusting enough anyone to rely on because of being disappointed so much it hurt. But recently i found i can no longer sustain being like this. It gets harder holding it together I know. What we need is to learn to allow little snippets of patience calm and tolerance for others just as much for ourselves and even in the face of adversity and misunderstanding. Ive been reading about acceptance and sitting with what is internally at any given moment and letting things be as they are. Its hard when yr so used to otherwise. Its also hard because it does not help the loneliness factor when you most need someone. But, it helps moment to moment when there are no other answers. 

Im not sure about the notion there is someone for everyone but, i have come to understand being alone/lonely at times in life cant be escaped and i for one am really trying to navigate how to best help myself thru it whether it be keeping busy, exersize, going for walks or just sitting in nature riding it out. Knowing we are not alone in these thoughts for me has been uplifting. Talking it out like here...well im grateful.

Take care. One day at a time. My motto, get up and keep going..

[Guest_1584]

Hi there jem.

l'm sorry about things needing to end with him but it is true he should've wanted this and been proud of it .

l think it's hard for either these days but at 40, there's still plenty of time for you at least that's one thing and you never just know what might happen or be around the next bend and he might even e able to understand your condition .

l do get the tough exterior too though probably not to your degree and l've never really liked needing to be that way in life either. Butttt, it seems with just life itself and the kicks that it gives , l've just found  it easier to cope and brush off, even if that isn't real.

Take care of yourself.

rx

[HelloGail]

😊I read your concerns of feeling empty but there is no mention of animals eg pets etc. Would you consider adopting a pet? Cats are great to have, they can sense our feelings, especially when we're sad, they come gently onto your lap or behind your head if you're sitting on a couch. I am lonely and am planning to get a cat also maybe a dog too. If this is not possible, seek voluntary work on days when you're not working. I attended Relationship Australia last week and they are going to help me look at joining a coffee club though I don't drink coffee or tea but it will be a place where I can listen and chat with other people seeking company. So you're a mature 50's person, there are lots of community organisations to join. I just haven't done it and I am 62. I keep putting it off but now I know I need to do something as there is just so much gardening I have done and achieved, what's next I ask. Maybe we are just meant to be single. There are lots of positives, we just have to worry about ourselves and that is why we must keep busy and active. Good luck, in the same boat as you too. 

[therising]

Hi criss

You sound like an incredible achiever, having managed so much over time. If there is one thing all incredible achievers have in common it's evolution. They achieve evolution in so many different forms. They are always evolving through something, most often challenges of some nature. There is nothing quite like evolving with someone. Whether it's a friend, parent, partner, child, work colleague or even a stranger who we're on the same page as (like in some human rights movement, for example), to evolve together with someone has a definite feel to it. The longing to do so can become so intense. It can be such a soulful kind of longing.

I think one of the issues with reaching a time in life when everyone around us seems to have settled down is...you can still feel yourself with that need to rise up (not settle down). There's still that need to evolve, not stand still. Finding someone to evolve with can be tough, especially when we're in our 50s. I'm a 52yo gal, btw and a slow learner in some ways. While I've managed to raise myself in so many ways in life, it's only in the last year or so of a 20 year marriage that I've come to understand how depressing and lonely that marriage has been, for so long. My husband's most often a settler who does not like change. If I want change, I typically have to do it on my own. While a different form of loneliness, I can relate to the feeling of loneliness.

I've learned if you're a natural seeker of change, seek groups of people who are in the process and practice of change. They'll be soulful people, typically. They'll be doing things that 'feed the soul'. Whether they're soulful thrill seekers jumping out of planes or abseiling off cliffs or those who are seeking a strong mind/body/spirit connection through yoga, meditation, connecting with nature (bush walking, for example), they all seek some form of evolution, some form of mental, physical/chemical and soulful change.

I've found with managing periods of depression over the years, it's one thing to feed the mind and body when it comes to optimal function and well being. Feeding the soul remains a part of a three part challenge.

[criss]

Thankyou the rising,

I really appreciate your uplifting words and also acknowledgement of things like soulful growth achievement, the need to evolve and grow etc...it resonates alot. I am seeking out more groups now, even study online that may challenge my mind and provide food for my deep thoughts and emotions. I think my biggest problem at the moment and for cthe longest time is my lack of routine in working hours. My work interferes with my ability to commit to regular days each week to join anything however I am pondering various ways around this and hopefully soon will make a decision to prioritise my time.

[Guest_1584]

l was a painter for a long time and on top of that l have always been in over load creatively and depth in many and any ways so l know the feeling. But especially through my painting years but later within life in general too,  l've had no choice no choice in finding and developing ways of slowing myself down - a lot.

lt's taken about 10yrs to get to where l'm at these days and a into very nice more at peace mind type place but l've been so glad that l've been able to find it and the calm is just heaven.

rx

[Beaser]

Hi Criss.

Just wanted to say a quick hello . Youre story really resonates with me in many ways.  I hope your going ok. Always happy to talk.   Brett.