Feel like my world is getting smaller and smaller

Emma77 · ‎12-07-2016

I'll spare you all the boring details and just say that I've suffered anxiety / panic / depression on and off for 20 years. The last couple of years things seem to be feeling worse and worse. I just tried to buy a radio at my local K-Mart but couldn't do it. Tried and tried to talk myself into going in there, but was so convinced that I was going to panic that I just couldn't do it. And so now I'm kicking myself because I can't just buy a radio. My brain KNOWS that I'm not doing myself any favours by being so hard on myself, but I just don't know how to get myself through this again. And I really wanted that radio...

Ravenq · ‎12-07-2016

Hi Emma

sounds like it's pretty tough to be you right now sweets xx I don't know a lot about anxiety, so I might not be much help there but I'm here to listen if you want to talk, rant, vent or get a cyber hug.

What kind of radio is it you are wanting to buy?

Raven

Kazzl · ‎12-07-2016

Hi Emma, welcome to the forum! It's good to have you with us. Sounds like things are hard for you at the moment. Well, you're amongst friends hun, there are many people here who have experienced similar things. Have a good look around the forum, maybe the Anxiety board in particular, and there's a lot of useful information on the website.

It also sounds like this isn't a new situation for you. If you want to talk more about what you've experienced over the past 20 years, we're here to listen. Details aren't boring to folks like us hun, they are often shared and common experiences. And maybe it might help to get things out of your head and into words. I know that usually helps me.

I really understand what it's like when your brain knows something but your mind or mood won't listen - it's frustrating, deflating and feels like you're sabotaging yourself. And if you're already down, the feeling of defeat can take you further down. Thing is hun, you can recognise that, know what's happening and even if you can't change your behaviour right now, you can try to change the way you're talking to yourself. Don't give in to self-recrimination. You are currently unwell, so give yourself a break. You can be well again. What things have worked for you in the past?

Are you getting any treatment at the moment - doc or psychologist? Might be time to see the doc if you're not already.

Keep talking to us Emma, there are many people here who would like to get to know you.

Best wishes

Kaz

Emma77 · ‎13-07-2016

Thanks so much for your responses. It’s amazing to have people help put things in perspective. The radio is nothing special. I was just wanting a little portable thing to put on my desk at work. And I’ve been meaning to try and get one for so long, but just kept putting it off, knowing that I might do exactly what I did, and knowing that I’d feel like crap about it. I don’t feel I’ve been self-recriminating, but after reading your comment I realise that I have done a lot of things that don’t help. Mostly I’ve been in complete denial about what’s happening. I’ve just dismissed each panic attack, trying not to let it bother me, when I should have been doing the things that I’ve found helpful in not exacerbating it. I did spend a lot of time last night reading lots of posts, and it has already helped tremendously. It’s pointed out to me that I’ve really been trying to do too much on my own. And it absolutely helps to get things out of my head. I’d forgotten that 🙂 so the short term plan is to keep talking, and listening, and actually have a conversation about what’s going on in my head, instead of pretending it’s not there. Thanks again 🙂

Kazzl · ‎13-07-2016

Hi Emma - how great to read your response. I'm so pleased you've been able to get a bit of perspective and that the experiences of others are helping.

I find there's something very reassuring and comforting about talking (or posting) with people who actually do understand. Others might be compassionate and try hard to help, and there's a real place for that too, but with people who 'get it' it's like the relief of finding someone who speaks your language in a foreign country.

Yes, denial is a worry eh? It's an easy but unhelpful place to be in. Accepting that there's something going on, even if you don't actually know what it is, is hard but necessary. It's the start of getting better.

How are you feeling today?

Kaz

Moonstruck · ‎14-07-2016

Oh Kaz I hope you're right. I hope it's true that others with anxiety bordering on panic sometimes, really do understand where I am coming from when this storm cloud hits. I woke early (for me) today already in a state of high anxiety......I went into the BB Cafe which I shouldn't have done I know that....it's where everyone wants to relax and smile, to get away from "the other" ....I hope they'll forgive me for dropping in like that.

I'm so scared, so scared. I've had big things happen this past week - my personal life/relationships, sisters health, work demands with an elderly boss very hard to deal with - depends on me for everything but won't acknowledge that..well past retirement age but refuses to give up.....I have to sort out his messes that he won't admit to. His memory is going, he is very disorganised but won't admit to any mistakes.

I 'm going away this weekend and packing for the trip in erratic weather......overwhelmed at travel plans, the people who I have to see while there.....etc etc......

Emma...please keep talking to us. I understand about the radio and K Mart. You will do it one day with the support you need......people here , like Kaz just for one will do what we can. As you can see, I am a mess today - I think, I hope - it helps me to vent and get it all out.....(if the others can bear reading all my stuff that is).......Oh God please let it get better today. I am consumed with tears......all inside.......

Emma77 · ‎14-07-2016

Moonstruck, it definitely is a help to be able to post here and get stuff out of my head, and so far the comments have been so encouraging. I’m sure they don’t mind you dropping in. Kaz, I wish I could tell you how I’m feeling today, but I honestly don’t know. Part of me feels like I’ve gone straight back to denial land, and I’m just hoping to deal with each panic attack as it comes, but I know that’s not helpful, as if I don’t deal with the anxiety, the panic will become worse and worse until I can’t leave my house. It has already become so much worse in just the last few months. But I am thinking about it a lot, which is kind of exhausting, but hopefully means that I’ll start to do something about it. I really do appreciated your help

Kazzl · ‎15-07-2016

Hi Emma, I reckon if you're thinking about it, worrying about it and fearful of it, then you're not in denial hun. And that is a good, albeit very hard, first step to regaining control. Being aware of what's happening with us is necessary, otherwise it can just consume us.

Having said that though, there's a difference between being self-aware and being overwhelmed. And you sound a bit overwhelmed to me. I know that feeling well. I reckon it's time for a trip to the doc. I'm a great believer in using a combination of professional, peer (us and friends and family) and self help.

I'm not sure I can explain this properly, but for me, lately when I feel a bipolar episode coming on, I've been trying to 'distance' myself enough from the emotional side to get the rational side engaged by researching, reading as much as I can, writing down how I'm feeling and what I'm doing (a mood diary) so I can better manage it. Maybe you could try something like that? Read, learn, write, talk. The way I see it, I can't stop the episodes, but I can at least gain some sense of control by understanding them. I hope that might help with anxiety too. Keep talking to us lovely. xx

Moonstruck my buddy - big hugs to you! I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You sound a bit like everything's got on top of you. Talk it out hun, we're here. And don't worry about posting in the cafe. Even though it is a 'place to get away from mental health talk' if you really look at it, most of the chat there is in someway about mental health. That's why we're here afterall! And we both know what a great place it is to get instant hugs, cuddles and care. Hope your day is better today hun - I keep a lookout for you.

Kaz

xx

Emma77 · ‎18-07-2016

I am definitely in denial / avoidance mode which means that I can find 12 hours to look at cats on Facebook, but no time to do the things that I know will help, including commenting here. You explained the distancing thing perfectly. I wish I could get my brain into enough order to tell you how much it makes sense, and how helpful it is. But really, I just want to pretend that I never started this thread. But I will feel better, and come back and comment in a way that's not quite so vague and confusing. I don't know. I guess that's just where my brain is right now, and I have to be ok with that. The other people around here obviously are 🙂 Thanks xx

Kazzl · ‎21-07-2016

Hi Emma - just checking in with you hun. I get what you're saying, and sometimes we just have to go with what our brains want to do ... the main thing is you know you will get better - and you will!

Stay with us Emma, post whenever you're ready. We'll be here.

Kaz