FEAR - any advice please?

[HelenM]

For many years I have been dealing with depression and anxiety. The first bout 13 years ago was traumatic. For the third time in 6 months an overwhelming fear of going back there has come to me, despite my depression being very mild. This time it's much worse owing to a return of a particular symptom. 

I am having major problems with my sleep. Not sleeping I can cope with but I'm having highly distressing symptoms of anxiety - palpitations and a lurching of my stomach (really horrible) as I'm dropping off, and so waking me up. Eventually, back then, I found I didn't want to sleep because of the symptoms. The high alert my mind is on stops sleeping tablets working.I have been working on my breathing. I keep reminding myself that I was very ill then and although this is happening it is only one part of that episode. My fear seems to override these things. All those years ago the problem went as soon as I began to respond to anti depressants.

So I have to live with this. Two very good friends assure me that the fear that sneaked in for no reason will go again as I continue to get on with my life, which I can manage even with very poor sleep. I don't think I've levelled out with my sleeping problem yet and I wonder if  that is making my fear worse.I go to see my gp on Tues.

This is 99% association is it not? In Scotland it's dark and wet. It was the same time then that these symptoms were worst. I wonder if it would be just as bad if it were Summer.

Perhaps everyone has their own demons in their illness and I guess we're all different. This is one of mine. I don't think there are any answers on this but if anyone could advise me as a way I could see this without getting so scared I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks, Helen

[HelenM]

Hi Neil CMF

thanks for your post. My sleep thank goodness has improved, although give me one bad night and I worry. But yes it's considerably better. Some days my fear goes into the background but most  days not. It's probably a case of patience although CMF has raised something I know a little about. It's hard to know CMF. I think probably my depression is worse in Winter but then there have been times when that hasn't been the case at all. Although I think I will take that into account. This depression started last January and lessened in April. It continued to mess me around but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that all this fear came - which is another manifestation of my illness. I think I may be looking too closely at the problem re SAD, and because I know one or two people who literally have depressions that only come in winter months I'm discounting my own experience. But I have read that some people get SAD along with their long term chronic depression. What I will say is that most people hate our winter climate. We have such darkness and so much rain and although we had a brilliant summer last year that not normal. Scotland is beautiful but the weather leaves a lot to be desired.

Regarding meds Neil. These meds have been brilliant. They brought me out of a horrendous depression many years ago. Two years later the dose was upped when I had another bad bout. A few years later I had a mood stabiliser added. I haven't got bi polar but I was going up and down like a yo yo. After that my depressions have become lighter and lighter even if I moan. This is so hard because it's all fear based and makes no sense to me. In fact, crazy though it may sound my depressions very mild, but fear is so hard to live with. My GP could increase my meds but won't. She said that because my depression is mild a higher dose won't help. I don't think I agree but she won't do it.

I started a Mindfulness course a couple of weeks ago. I think I will benefit somewhat but we are told it's not a cure - just another coping strategy I guess.

My post has dragged on and if you've both read it, thank you. I found both your posts very helpful and given I'm finding this period quite scary, getting replies is reassuring and makes me feel safer.

If either of you want to mention your particular problems I'd be interested to hear. Sometimes we know the poster but not their story. Of course I understand if you don't.

Thanks, Helen xx

[CMF]

Hi Helen,

Good to hear back from you.  I have a few posts- accused of infidelity, helping a friend with anxiety and posts in dog vs black dog.  my stories are  all over the place, just like me 🙂

I'd like to hear how your course goes, its good that you're being proactive in trying to combat this.

Take care

CMF

[HelenM]

Hi,

What a silly person I am. A few days ago I decided my sleep was sorted so  halved the sleeping tablet that I  take every third night quite confident that I'd sleep fine. I didn't and so all the stupid fear regarding sleep came back. I realise I'd moved forward a bit as my fear had lessened. Now it's as bad as ever. I'm terrified of going down again even though I know it's so unlikely. Because of the association with sleep it's likfe an elastic band is attached to me and pulling me back to that time and I keep wondering where I'll end up.

As I've said I know that my life is so different now. I've learned lots of coping skills. I'm very experienced with depression where I didn't know what had hit me all those years ago. The trouble with fear is that it won't listen to rational argument. You know - I haven't given in to it. I was helping in the charity shop on Saturday, then we went to my daughter's to babysit.  I forced myself to varnish a door this morning. This evening we're going out for a meal for my husband's birthday. I keep fighting but it is so scary, so hard It's such a cruel, cruel illness.

Helen

[Beltane]

Well Helen, thanks for getting back to us, always nice to hear how people are getting on.

Well done for your continued positive attitude. I know that its really hard sometimes to maintain that hope and positivity when you're struggling with what is, as you say, a cruel illness. really great to see you continuing to hang on to social events, like the charity. it can be really hard to get out od bed when you're feeling so down, so really well done. these things help.

I wonder if a second opinion from another doctor is worth a go? Its only that while your GP thinks your depression is "mild"- well, they're not the one who has to live like that, are they. You are, and only you can decide if you need further treatment for your depression and now these worsening anxiety symptoms. you also seem to have an issue with insomnia- a very common anxiety thing. Sleeping tablets arent for long term use, but a higher dose of your med or even switching to a different med might really help your depression/ anxiety, and even help your sleep. I had massive insomnia and frequently had to use sleeping pills until i got onto my current med- fixed the anxiety and gives me a lovely 8 hours every night.

How is your course in mindfulness going? have you found any other forms of support or therapy- a therapy group perhaps? can you get any psychology in Scotland that is affordable to you?

Oh dear, you're not silly. We've all thought "i'll try to go without the tablet", and usually regretted it. As i said, a medication review might be just what you need.

I'm really interested in your description of 'yo-yo'ing in and out of depression. It is of course not unusual for people with depression to suffer multiple episodes. But this could be a sign your treatment isnt effective as well- you would hope that the treatment would reduce or even eliminate these repeated episodes.

mental illness is a spectrum- it ranges in "severity". I yo-yo'd moods for a solid decade, swinging between depressed and overly happy/ energetic over weeks, days or even just hours. i could be laughing one minute and then WOOSH suddenly i'd feel miserable, and couldnt explain why. I never had manic episodes, so i knew i wasnt bipolar. but only 4 months ago a psychiatrist explained bipolar type 2 and "hypomania" to me and a lightbulb went on in my head "Thats ME!" i actually said!. Antidepressants dont work on bipolar, it needs different meds. Now that i'm on one of those, i feel much much much better.

[Neil_1]

Dear Helen

There’s no such thing as being silly on this website, so I’ll overlook the use of that word in your latest post – but if it happens again … !  🙂  🙂

Beltane has provided an awesome response to you, and I just wanted to chip in and back up Beltane’s messages of support and advice to you.  Also I’d like to congratulate you for doing those things that no doubt would have put you out of your comfort zone – you mentioned them;   all from helping out in the charity shop right through to going out for a meal with your husband on his special day.  Yes that IS you fighting it and doing a damn good job as well.  And keep fighting the fight;  as we are all doing.

You’ve also learnt over the journey a number of coping skills/mechanisms that you can put into place;  and you know, the thing about this is, we are all still able to learn MORE things/more skills and that is definitely a good thing.

Just by being on here and reading from other people’s responses and advice, it has helped me on a number of occasions.  Sure not everything suggested works for everyone, but if you can pick up one or two new things along the way, these are all brilliant things that we can draw on in times of dire need.

And above all else, you’re over there;  we’re over here;  but we’re all in this together and we’re always gonna be here.  I hope over the last day or so that you’ve managed to feel just a little bit better.

Kind regards

Neil

[HelenM]

Dear Neil and Beltane

Thank you so much for your posts. I love your light humour Neil. I love too that you see us as all in it together despite me being on the other side of the world. I so envy your weather! I used to use an Irish site and although people were nice they were nothing like everyone here. I feel so cared for and the compassion is moving.

Beltane, tbh I think I have bi polar 2 but I have been told by different psychiatrists and my gp that I haven't. I couldn't begin to afford a private one and have been discharged from psychiatric care. About four years ago our health authority changed it's ways regarding who saw a psychiatrist. Mental health is very poorly funded by the NHS and some seriously ill people were waiting months for an appt. So they went through all their patients and people like me were considered well enough. If I were to become seriously ill I would get an appt pretty quickly, but if you're living your life then your suffering is seen as 'part of the path of recovery'. So clearly far more money needs to be given for mental health.

I have an amazing friend who has helped his brother cope with 25 years of depression. He knows my mind totally. He completely agrees that what I sometimes go through is horrendous but he always assures me I'll come out the other side and to date he's been right. But yes, I do think a medication review would benefit me but it's not going to happen.

My mindfulness is going well although practicing can be very hard on bad days. However I do believe that it'll be a valuable coping mechanism overall.

Monday was absolutely awful but thankfully Tuesday improved and today (Wednesday) is something in between.

The support I get on here, from my husband, from my friend and my voluntary work help me and please God will see me through.

with love, Helen

[Neil_1]

Hi there Helen

As I’ve said many times, this site IS awesome.  I love it.  “No wonder you hang around so often”, I hear so many say.  🙂

While Monday was horrible for you, you got through.  And that’s the thing we need to acknowledge and realise, that there WILL be days that are bad and potentially even worse, but there are just so many hours in a day and then it is gone.  NEVER to be had again.  And we move on – we move to the next day and so on.  We keep putting one foot in front of the other (I actually mis-typed there and put “one footy in front of the other” and while that is an awesome thing to do, it’s not quite relevant for this thread;  whoops, slight digression) and we move forward;   sometimes we move a little sidewards, but for the most part, we’re moving forward.  Taking those baby, tiny steps.

Helen, this friend of yours sounds truly awesome.  Having someone like that in your corner is just priceless;  and you’ve got your husband as well, which is phenomenal as well.  And of course, all of us here.

Sorry this hasn’t been a post with too many pearls in it, but just wanted to write you anyway.

Keep staying as strong as you possibly can be;  and always know that we’re here and to post as often (or as little) as you like.

Neil

[HelenM]

Hi Neil

Thank you .for your post and don't apologise for the lack of pearls. The pearls are set in compassion and you provide that really well. Plus, I think we're all limited in how much advice we can offer. Taking baby steps is all we can do sometimes.

So thanks, Helen x

[HelenM]

Hi Neil

I was thinking about you thinking you should offer answers, 'pearls'. It made me think that all of us want to say the thing that will help but so often there is nothing we can say. And so I wrote this wee poem for all of us.

We don't have the answers   

We don't what to say

And so we hold them by the hand

To offer company on the way.

We'd tell them what to do

If we thought we knew best

But we wait when they're weary

And need to take some rest.

We wish we knew the answer

So of this pain they'd be rid.

We wish we knew the answer

But we always did.

We walked by their side

Ever caring and kind

And in a truly loving way

We gave them peace of mind.                                                                                       

[Neil_1]

 Hi Helen

Wow, thank you so much for sharing that poem – it was beautiful.   Hit the spot perfectly.

Neil