Falling apart; abusive neighbour

[ShelterIt]

Hi,

I live in a small coastal town, lived here for 12 years. 2 years ago a couple moved in next door, both real-estate agents. I'll only mention the man, as I've never talked to his wife.

A bit of context here is that I suffer from LPTSD and trauma from having been bullied and abused as a child over many years, and I've got 25 years of therapy trying to have a normal life. I'm still today struggling with social anxiety and I'm painfully conflict shy. I wouldn't dare to try to fix a wrong order at Maccas.

After two years of mostly verbal abuse (trees, bushes, our chickens, anything he doesn't like) it culminated last Wednesday with him assaulting me in my driveway (tree dispute where he doesn't like councils' decision). Reported it to the police, of course, but i'm concerned not much will come of that unless he attacks again. I now live in constant fear of waiting for when he'll attack next.

The incident last week has left me completely destroyed. My neighbour has always been aggressive and abusive, to everyone in my household and people visiting, to council and others. And now I'm shaking like a leaf, afraid to be in the house, to be outside the house, to come and go, I can't sleep without hefty pills, and I'm on two different anxiety meds just to stay upright. It's been over a week, and I feel I'm losing it.

So my question is; what to do next? I've done all the obvious things, police, council, lawAccessNSW, seeing psychologist, GP, but no one can do anything. We've talked about selling, but a) that's hard on the kids, and b) unfair to those we sell it to. Abusive neighbours are perfectly allowed to be abusive, it seems. And I'm running out of strength, this anxiety and the very thought of having to live with this is just so overwhelming. Has anyone had to deal with something like this?

[ShelterIt]

I've had a it of a setback last week; anxiety attacks and general dread, but I think I know why; we had to have a roof guy in to fix the pointing on our roof (leaks after the big storms we've had lately), and part of that is to wash the edge tiles, including tiles that are on the side of the house facing my bad neighbour. I think I basically was worried about any sand or dirt landing on his side of the fence, enough to trigger my anxiety this bad.

Anxiety really is a step forward and sometimes two back. Hopefully I'll return to a fixed rate soon.

[therising]

Hi ShelterIt

That's good that you can pinpoint the triggers and reasons for your fears. You could actually say that you're far more conscious than your neighbour. He sounds more reactive whereas you sound proactive, productively exploring why you feel the way you do. Would be so much easier sometimes to be completely thoughtless and only choose to feel how we want to feel but then we'd run the risk of being someone like your neighbour and who wants a world filled with people like that, reactive and self serving.

I imagine you pretty much know everything that will trigger your neighbour. In other words you probably know him better than he knows himself. Imagine being bold enough to wake him up to how serious a problem he's got, 'Dude, do you realise how easily triggered you are? Do you think you should see someone about that? Do you recognise how unconscious you are?'. I do believe that would get his back up a little 🙂 Wonder whether his wife is on the same page as you or whether she's on the same page as him. If she's a fairly timid person, it would be hell living with someone like her husband. Is he raising his kids to be narcissists or is he someone who regularly says to them, when they're trying to express themselves, 'I don't care, you'll do as you're told' or 'I don't care, don't talk back'? 'I don't care' is a terrible mantra to throw at a kid on a regular basis.

It's hard to do and can take a bit of practice but becoming a predictor or people's triggers can put us in a place of objectively observing them. What I mean is, taking the roof tiles as an example, if you can predict he'll react aggressively observe his behaviour, out of curiosity. Does he act like an animal, 'fluffing himself up' to appear bigger? Does he stand in an attack pose, like a guard dog faced with a threat? Does he spit as he speaks? How does his tone or volume shift?

Perhaps another thing to watch out for is...are you a bit of an empath? Do you feel for others or feel how others feel? For example, if someone's deeply saddened by an event, do you feel their sadness as if it is your own? Do you feel a heaviness in your chest while feeling 'choked up' on the verge of tears? If you are like this, chances are you're feeling your neighbour's anger. You're not just feeling how you feel, you're also feeling what he's feeling. That's an overwhelming amount of feeling. 'That's your anger, not mine and I'm not getting involved in that' can be one way of cutting an emotional chord.

[La-Roux]

Hi Shelterlt,  Sorry to hear you are living next door to these people. be assured that you are probably a better person than this guy and you ought to ignore and see him as being quite pathetic and crude. Do try to let him know that you want him to keep his distance. Keep a journal of when and what he does and let authorities know how he is abusive.

[WattleFlower]

Hi ShelterIt, I wanted to share my experience.I am an adult survivor of abuse, and my early life experiences affect me every day.2 years ago an elderly male neighbour approached me offering to mow my footpath verges.He offered a price, I accepted in good faith.The price changed halfway through the job.He wanted cash only. I paid him to get rid of him and firmly told him I would ask him if i wanted the job done again.He and his wife, who had kept to themselves for two years before that, reverted to keeping to themselves.Until a year later when the male mowed the verges uninvited, then knocked on my door to tell me he had done me a favour and that I could give him some cash if I had it - or to think of it as an ‘early xmas present’.He returned twice while I mulled over my next steps.My father was a bullying, mysoginist and abuser.By this time I knew what I was dealing with and that something about both these people wasn’t right.I was not comfortable about the uninvited mowing and felt pressured and slightly manipulated.So I approached him while he was at the rear of my property after the 3rd (uninvited) mowing, offered him the cash he asked for for the first univited mow and firmly told him as I had the year before I would tell him if I wanted any help with the lawns.His response was to tell me I owed him $150 (cash).Extortion isn’t my thing so I firmly and loudly so neighbours could hear to let him know that wasn’t the agreement at all.His response was ‘I’m salt of the earth I am.’ In my experience salt of the earth types don’t tell you they’re salt of the earth types.Given the amounts of cash he was demanding now amounted to several hundred dollars.I’d tried to be a good neighbour all the way through which is why i accepted his initial offer the year before. I recommended him to my immediate neighbours next door.The nightmare began from there.He became firm friends with the neighbours next door and is over there all the time sometimes without the owner’s knowledge,very close to my living spaces,while I am home and close by.He’s been spoken to by Police 4 times in 12 months and they think its odd he keeps peristing.I kept all this to myself until a cpl months ago when other things started to happen.I wanted to be sure I wasn’t imagining or overreacting so it wasnt until 4 males tried to get over my fence one night that a female Police officer told me I should talk to my immediate neighbours about security.I did and finally told them I had had problems with Salt of the Earth.(By now he had started trespassing on my property, and continued after 2 firm warnings).When i asked him why and what he was doing, he would apologise.After being verbally abused by him as he passed me one weekend morning, he approached me with his wife, crying, saying ‘the cancer was back’ and that was why he called me names while I was sitting in my car on the street minding my business. (This act was after he had again been spoken to by Police). The immediate neighbours by now have been convinced by this person of bad character that he is a victim. This is while I have stopped using my front door, stopped gardening in view of him, stopped driving along the street where he can see me. The Police advised me to get a Protection Order, as did DV experts I consulted. He has exposed himself to me (very subtly) and a friend. He has abused me and villified me to near neighbours, and likely others in the community as well. If I could move I probably would have by now, but instead I am standing my ground. I have invested thousands in security screens and cameras, and privacy film for windows. I have changed my behaviour significantly. As a survivor I know protection orders can incite and escalate perpetrators like this. He is a perpetrator. An order is still an option because this is an attempt at coercive control. Luckily I have survived these types amd I will continue to. I make sure I inform my close trusted friends who are conscious people of every incident. I document. I get legal advice. I will not be intimidated. But ShelterIt, it is real and unique and not well understood by services yet that abusive neighbours can attempt coersion.I’ve had to muster enormous strength to understand I am not at fault and don’t attract these types because of anything I do or have done.My approach is to stay the course and be grateful for this perpetrator for helping me empower myself even more.I pity him and his wife and know that his life experience has made him who he is.It’s a stunning day outside.I’ve been triggered this morning, so I felt compelled for some moral support so searched ‘how to deal with abusive neighbour’. Your post came up and drove me to post this. I fear I could be identified. Bit I won’t be deterred by this. Thank you for your openness and post.