Falling apart; abusive neighbour

[ShelterIt]

Hi,

I live in a small coastal town, lived here for 12 years. 2 years ago a couple moved in next door, both real-estate agents. I'll only mention the man, as I've never talked to his wife.

A bit of context here is that I suffer from LPTSD and trauma from having been bullied and abused as a child over many years, and I've got 25 years of therapy trying to have a normal life. I'm still today struggling with social anxiety and I'm painfully conflict shy. I wouldn't dare to try to fix a wrong order at Maccas.

After two years of mostly verbal abuse (trees, bushes, our chickens, anything he doesn't like) it culminated last Wednesday with him assaulting me in my driveway (tree dispute where he doesn't like councils' decision). Reported it to the police, of course, but i'm concerned not much will come of that unless he attacks again. I now live in constant fear of waiting for when he'll attack next.

The incident last week has left me completely destroyed. My neighbour has always been aggressive and abusive, to everyone in my household and people visiting, to council and others. And now I'm shaking like a leaf, afraid to be in the house, to be outside the house, to come and go, I can't sleep without hefty pills, and I'm on two different anxiety meds just to stay upright. It's been over a week, and I feel I'm losing it.

So my question is; what to do next? I've done all the obvious things, police, council, lawAccessNSW, seeing psychologist, GP, but no one can do anything. We've talked about selling, but a) that's hard on the kids, and b) unfair to those we sell it to. Abusive neighbours are perfectly allowed to be abusive, it seems. And I'm running out of strength, this anxiety and the very thought of having to live with this is just so overwhelming. Has anyone had to deal with something like this?

[Sophie_M]

Hi ShelterIt,

Welcome to the forums. We can hear it's been a really difficult time, but please know that you're in a really safe space for sharing here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email:

We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
• It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[missep123]

Hi ShelterIt,

I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through this. I wish I knew exactly what to say to comfort you.

I can't imagine what you are going through because even when my neighbour was aggressive about cutting down trees I was so anxious about them knocking on our door.

I wish your neighbour could see how much their actions have affected you. I am worried they don't sound like empathetic people at all.

I'm so sorry I don't know exactly what advice to give but I hope that others will respond here.

I hear you though, I want you to know you are not alone

[ShelterIt]

Thanks. I guess part of my issue here is that I've been doing quite well over the years, I thought I was leaning towards a normal life, I've been able to reflect and forgive and all that. After all, it was mostly kids (within some span), and one can understand the context better.

But this is an adult man with two little kids, and my emotions are going haywire! It's as if I'm right there back again, and I can't shake it. If it was some random guy somewhere, I might fare much better, but I have to live here. This is my home, our house, which has gone from being a dream to being a nightmare.

Yes, I wish people could understand more about the psychological aspects of, well, everything, but this guy cares nothing about people or feelings or nonsense like that; he cares about macho ideals (what he says) and expensive cars (what he drives).

I'm not sure how I can live with this hanging over me? This is one of those moments when I wish I wasn't me, which is hard to say. We live with our trauma and issues the best we can, of course, but ... some days I wish I was someone else.

[tranzcrybe]

At the moment you have a real 'monster under the bed' where it occupies your mind whether or not anything is happening.
Do you know how to shake that?
You take a deep breath and stick your head under the bed to see it for what it is...
In other words, find out precisely what is bugging your neighbour and sit down together to reach a compromise - what is he willing to contribute to facilitate the outcome, and how far can you go to meet his expectations?
If you have council approvals then the issue isn't yours but his, so in this regard you will be trying to help him (but I'm pretty sure he will expect you to do all the work yourself!).
Negotiation is the key here and respectfully standing up to bullies usually puts them back in their box. Also consider having someone with you for support (witness) to keep things civil and try to remember its all about the issue, not you personally.

[ShelterIt]

Thanks for that, but I don't think this monster is the normal kind. As I wrote in a letter (seeking professional help elsewhere); "I need some actual advice on what to do, what my avenues are. There is no "talk to him" or "mediation" or even "call council" options here." We understand the underlying issues are his, with the tree, with a dislike of the type of people we are (I'm a small guy who keeps to himself and works with computers and studies philosophy) or whatever, it's through council and our opinion hasn't even come into it. But we're the manifestation of the things that stands in the way of what the monster wants.

He's a person with very, very different values from me, there's no middle ground from which to have any rational way forward, or even compromise on. Unless we all agree that even though I like my tree, it needs to be chopped down because he wants it chopped down? It's not like a compromise where we can prune it; he wants it gone. (pruning it *was* our compromise, but that's not enough, no matter what the law states) By that token it's a human problem, not one of laws. The law and council and everyone agrees on what the facts are and how things should be. But he doesn't like it. I don't know how to compromise with "doesn't like it"?

That's a huge part of why I'm so anxious; the monster is irrational, selfish, and aggressive, and treats us as a problem instead of people. We're considering chopping the tree (even though we love it), were considering selling the house and move (even though it's our dream house), we're considering all these rather drastic things because he is a bully that's used to getting his way through his aggression. It's not right, but it may still happen.

I'm still a mess, I don't think I've cried this much in years, I haven't felt this awful in, oh, 40 years. I certainly feel let down by the societal structures that seems to enable people like this to abuse people around them and get their way. It seems very unfair that the little guy has to suffer, especially those of us who already have really hard internal struggles on top, who don't fit the stereotype of "she'll be right, mate". If anyone have any good ideas, please let me know, I'm going insane.

It essentially boils down to this question; has anyone dealt successfully with anxious trauma that's triggered by living next to a monster (that will continue to be a monster, no matter what)?

[tranzcrybe]

Unless you had the tree physically transplanted onto your property in the last two years, there is no reason to chop, sell, or relocate - your neighbour had made an informed decision to purchase based on their own enquiries (as any estate agent would recognise) and has no authority to demand action from you.
In fact, the purchase price may have reflected this very obstacle to his favour.
Yes, people are allowed to be abusive, but are also accountable for their actions. As such, I would be inclined to increase video surveillance of your property to protect your interests and, in your own small way, take a stand against injustice.

I do know the feeling of conflict with unreasonable parties, and the anguish that accompanies confrontation - yes, it is gut wrenching and painful. I choose to measure the short term cost over the long term suffering and fight for what I believe in.

[ShelterIt]

I don't really want to make this about rules and how awful the neighbour is, there's tons of stuff we could report on him but hasn't (loud outdoor speakers playing music all the time, air conditioner running all night 15 db over the limit, unhinged 2am parties with fighting, same with his unhoused pool pump, two years of verbal abuse and threats, because, well, we're just normal nice people trying not to poke a bear. People often say we should report these things, but as far as they mean well, they don't live here, they're not being abused and assaulted by him. We've stayed clear of him as much as we can. This tree situation is just the thing that brought me right back into trauma with him taking it to the next level of abuse. And yes, the tree was he before we bought here 12 years ago. And yes, legally and technically he's in wrong on so many things, including the tree he got rid of.

But my real problem is that there seems to be no support for people who have to live next to abusive people at the best of times, and now what when it's a person with PTSD and trauma who can't walk outdoors of his own house without meds and anxiety attacks? What can I do to just live? In my own house? Without shaking anxiety? Is the answer simply more meds and hope he isn't outside his own house (the thought alone makes me go and hide, I'm peaking out from curtains just to get to my car, it's so exhausting), and if you can't do that forever, move?

There's great suicide prevention services around, and support groups like this one is great, but I'm just not coping at all. Can anyone think of something for this situation? My trigger lives next door, every day, every hour, and I don't know what to do. Is the answer to sell up? Is that the only answer?

[ShelterIt]

Oh, and thanks for your reply. I do appreciate it. I'm just feeling so lost. So thank you.

[tranzcrybe]

Yep, we all need to make allowances for people living their own lives; and often the behaviour alludes to a deeper sense of unfulfillment in life which is compensated by overbearing and arrogance. I actually feel sorry for people who are this insecure and unhappy in themselves.

I hear what you are saying about support, but without a 'solution' you may be patching over the cracks. This brings it back to you to address the problem with something to ease the distress if not eradicate it - "if I have a sore leg, I can cut it off" is not always the ideal outcome!

Might I suggest a few final options?

1] a high fence (within council guidelines) between your properties to put your 'problem' out of sight if not mind;

2] hedges and garden beds to 'physically' distance yourself;

3] a strategically placed garden shed to buffer invasive noise/disturbence;

4] double glazed windows;

5] reflective window treatment;

6] a water feature for enhanced serenity, or design a private courtyard;

7] smiling at your neighbour and offering kind words without altering your stance (to convey that he does not reside in your head and his intimidation is in vain).

Incorporating some or all of the above might restore a degree of harmony to what is clearly an unpleasant situation.

No need to feel ungrateful, you are dealing with much stress and I know how tolerance can be diminished under such circumstances. 🙂