Extremely overwhelmed and under pressure - wanting to be left in peace

[Rach28]

hi everyone im currently on centrelink job seeker payment and unfortunately one of the requirements of receiving this welfare payment means i attend fortnightly job provider appointments. In the past few months ive transferred to up to 5 different ones. My most recent one was supportive on the first appointment but the proceeding two appointments he was putting alot of stress and pressure on me. Asking me personal questions that made me shut down completely and triggered my anxiety to the point I wanted to punch a wall and cry. It was really bad! What do i do!? 

In August 2024 i got a job and quit on the second day. I was given "constructive" feedback which I interpreted as negative and its massively affected my self-confidence and self-esteem. Its also increased my anxiety x100. So now im fearful of attempting to look for another job. Sadly another factor is I'm struggling with massive social anxiety. I don't know how to function very well when it comes to dealing with people or communicating my needs. I generally get very anxious, and if triggered I shut down and go into "reflex" mode where I am defensive. For many reasons including PTSD, Trauma, Anxiety, Depression and personal circumstances. I dont know what to do. 

I dont think I am an employable person and I feel I am a failure. 

I'm constantly surrounded by negative people who never support me in the way I really need. They never once ask me - are you okay. Or how can we help you!? 

I'm always being told - FIND A JOB. FIND A JOB. And I'm burnt out and exhausted. 

I'm tired of looking for jobs, this recent bad employment has impacted me in ways I cannot discuss. 

I dont know what to do. 

[Rach28]

Also in responses to your comment about asking feedback. I did respond and they informed me its because I said YES i do require funding support. That was it - they are prioritizing individuals who can pay the $3000 study fee upfront costs. And for me I cant afford that, and comparing this cost the the study fee charged by TAFE NSW for the same course with student arranged work placement, this is ridiculous! I can get $0 study fee by studying through TAFE NSW. Its an option I'm assessing but stressed out because of the student must arrange work placement requirement prior to even applying for the course. So as you can imagine this is putting me off even applying for the course, my anxiety starts spiraling out of control. So I drop the thought and walk away, which for me is the only responses that calms my anxiety. I know its a bad option but its the only way I can manage my mental health, or i'm going to lose my mind literally. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rach28,

I really hear and understand what you are saying about walking away from the pressure of having to arrange a work placement prior to even applying for the course. It seems very clear that you have reached saturation point with the pressure you feel under and that is why it is great you now have the 6 month exemption. Please don't feel worried about telling your psychologists. If anyone needs to understand your limits and where you are at with your mental health, they do. I would say the next 6 months is a time for rest and healing with also some opportunities to look into ways you may be able to go forwards with what you are passionate about. The breathing space also gives you that space just to look at things in perspective, think laterally, and see some ways forward that may work for you.

You may have a chance in the next 6 months to do some volunteer work with animals where there is no pressure but it is good experience and therapeutic at the same time. It is lovely that you are passionate about something, as not everyone has that clear sense of something they are so drawn to, and that in itself can be a very sustaining thing. Sometimes we don't know in life where what we are passionate about will take us, and it can even be in directions we didn't imagine to begin with. So I would say just stay open to possibility while being present in the moment with yourself in terms of having a rest and being self-caring. See if you can follow your heart without putting yourself under pressure, if that makes sense. It is something I have very slowly started to learn to do in my own life, and I'm about 15 years older than you. It is never too late to find a path for yourself.

Take care,

ER

[Rach28]

Hi ER, 

Great to hear from you and thank you for your continued online support! Its glad to know i feel understood! 

Yes I'm taking this 6 month period just to deal with ME. I just want to figure out whats best for me right now and not worrying about whats going to happen in the future. Right now I just want to feel in control of my destiny. And yes I'm looking into volunteering, a way to contribute to help others in my community somehow in a small way. I know its not going to get me income, but it feels less stressful and no pressure type situation. Which is what I need right now at this present time. I dont like feeling as if things are out of my control, and thats sadly whats been happening the past 5 months of my life, and infact to be honest much longer the past 5+ years of my life since 2018. I've had some very difficult life experiences that other dont understand. I'm not the same person I used to be back in early 2018 before things fell apart. I used to actually work in Market Research as a telephone interviewer conducting surveys. I did it for 5 years working at multiple companies because the employment was casual (inconsistent hours). Back then I wasnt struggling with mental health and not financially stressed out. Things were very different back then and i guess the moral is that life is unpredictable. WE cant predict what will happen tomorrow. And in my case - i feel yes ive really burnt myself out and thats okay. It doesnt mean I am a failure or lazy. It just means i've tried really hard and now my mental health needs my attention. That is my focus. And addressing your comment about my psychologists - yes that support me in any decision I make. And I'm certain they will understand my reasoning behind needing this time to just deal with myself and explore other options that are more reasonable to my needs and energy levels. 

I dont know what will happen at the end of this year or honestly what will happen next year. I do know that and honestly I can do is manage my mental health and know its okay to go at my own pace. Others my age are married, have kids, successful careers etc. Sometimes I feel its okay to be the tortoise when the hare is racing ahead. We might be slower and take alot longer to get where we want, and honestly sometimes we might end up some place we never really planned. So hopefully if theres a glimmer of hope in my life journey - that would be nice. A happy ending that I can feel satisfied and content with - even if its not what I dreamt of. 

Sometimes its okay to accept an alternative option because its going to be better in the long run. 

Hoping these next 6 months provides me clarity and healing. That I can rediscover who I am and want I want out of life. Hopefully doors will open and opportunities will present themselves. Hopefully opportunities that are less stressful and prioritizing my mental health needs. All I can do is hope. 

Take care and wishing you the best on your journey too. Life is never easy, its unfair and unjust. Hopefully life gets easier for me soon. And yes its never too late, theres always options. Its just a journey to discover what those options are and if they align with our needs and passions. 

R 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Rach28,

I’ve just read your lovely, thoughtful, reflective post. I’m trying to organise myself for travelling to the city tomorrow where I’m housesitting, so I don’t feel I can give a decent reply right now and might be quite occupied the next few days. But I will get back to you when I have some space. It sounds like you are on the right path for you right now.

Take good care,

ER

[Beaser]

Hi Rach.

Just wanted to say that ive been on a very similar path in recent times. 

I know it can be tough to get your head around everything at times . Im glad you have some breathing space with things at the moment.

I have been doing a volunteer role at a hospital for about the last 18 months.  Its been a great thing for me and i look forward to it each week.

Just want to wish you all the best and hope to hear how your going.       Beaser

[Rach28]

Hi Beaser, glad that you understand my current situation / mindset. It sucks that I feel like this and hopefully it wont last forever. i'm definetly taking this time out to reboot my motivation because its like -100 right now. I've had failure after failure the past few months and yeah im done. I'm tired. 

i'm glad to hear your enjoying your volunteer role - im starting volunteering this friday helping out at a local community lunch for housing residents. Hopefully it sparks something in me to keep trying for my dream career path. Maybe i'll feel like trying again you never know. 

Thanks for your kindness and non judgmental response. Its appreciated as anything you read online from a complete stranger can be very triggering.  Take care will keep you updated.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach28 and wave to Beaser too 👋

In relation to you mentioning being the tortoise, I recently read a quote that it’s not how we start the race but how we finish it. So it doesn’t matter if you haven’t manifested in the same way as others at the same stages, or if it takes longer to achieve certain outcomes. I know my development along certain paths in life got delayed but I’m gradually moving in a direction I want to. There’s a lovely quote from Peter Levine which is, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. I think it’s never too late for a lot of things and there are many winding paths that can get us there.

I used to work as a market research interviewer over the phone too, many years ago now. I agree that dealing with mental health struggles does make things so much harder. I think it can also mean we have compassion and understanding for others too and I’m sure you’ll bring that into your volunteer work and other future endeavours. Yes, I think a happy ending can definitely still happen and it’s true it may not be exactly what we dreamed of, but sometimes it turns out to be something just as good or better than we imagined. I’m trying to find the magic in each day at the moment and realise that when I’m in the moment I’m living now and that begins to create a positive future.

But I get it’s so totally challenging at times too. I think going gently is really important. May you find pathways that truly align with your passions and spirit.

Hugs,

ER

[Beaser]

Congratulations on taking on the volunteer role its a great step. 

Just to have interaction with others and a sense of being valued for your contribution.    A great positive thing.      Beaser