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Mum of 3 and a husband
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I am constantly living in a state of worry, am I meeting everybody's needs in my household? I feel like I'm being lumped with everything yet told that I'm doing the bare minimum. I organise any and all family engagement, I shop and cook every week, I work full time, I navigate play dates, I clean a house, I tidy a yard, I try to fill everyone's cup everyday but it never feels like enough, tolds it not enough. When I get down, I'm told, ask for help, but when I ask for help it's answered begrudgingly. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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Thanks for your post.
I think this is how most mums feel. What you are describing is what I call “invisible work” , it is rarely noticed but essential for a family to function. The mental load that mothers carry is unreasonable to say the least. Is there anyone worrying about your needs and feelings? My family sometimes needs to be reminded of how much “invisible work “ I am doing. I tell them directly, and assign each of them some of these tasks. Isn’t it only fair that the load is shared among your family. You are the Mum and not a maid, it is your home and not your workplace, you deserve to be treated with respect. Perhaps you could share your thoughts with some other mums you know, mums can be a great source of support.
Be kind to yourself and take some time to do something you enjoy.
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The warmest of welcomes to you. Btw, you're amazing. When I read amongst your list that you work full time, I thought 'This person's amazing'. I also thought 'They're seriously undervalued and overworked'. I love WishyBee's response to you. So supportive, so heartfelt and so empowering.
As a mum (to a 22yo and 19yo) and as a wife, it took me years to being telling the truth. Up 'til then, I used to tolerate stuff. Telling the truth is liberating in some ways. It can sound like 'The truth is I'm exhausted and you'd know this if you weren't all focused on how you feel, weren't all focused on making life easier for yourselves'. When my husband say's 'I don't cook' or 'I can't cook', I tell him 'The truth is you like to let yourself off the hook from do anything you don't like to do. I don't have that same luxury'. Lots of 'home truths' to tell at home. I began to tell the truth more and more as what I like to call 'the intolerant cow in me' came to life more and more😁🐄. She's a sassy one. That part of me at times, with it's inner dialogue, would sound like 'Why are you tolerating this? What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you feel you have to tolerate it?!'. I think there can be a part of us that knows better than to tolerate what can become intolerable, stressful and even depressing. There are a number of things that help me manage what can become depressing and my inner cow is one of them. I love her. She's possibly the most upstanding part of me, leading me to stand up for myself. I should add that it's the sage in me that helps manage my inner cow not taking to certain relationships with a high powered flame thrower, burning bridges. Our inner sage can be the part of us that says 'Calm down, just breathe. Don't say anything you're going to regret'.
I think the hardest part of us to manage at times can be our inner critic, 'You can do better than that. You're not doing enough. Other people do more than you and they manage. What's wrong with you?!'. While our inner critic can be helpful on occasion, pushing us to meet with our best, it can also be an absolute b****rd at times. If there's one thing that's definitely going to trigger our inner critic, it's an external critic. If I was to channel my inner cow and ask her 'What do I say to someone who implies I don't do enough and who makes it sound like a hassle if I ask them to be physically, mentally or emotionally supportive', I imagine she'd lead me to say the following to that person: 'Why do you insist on making some of your responsibilities my extra work? Why do you refuse to feel for me? Why do you refuse to gain a sense of how I'm feeling all this? Can you not sense? Are you insensitive? Do you not like to sense it because it's too uncomfortable to feel? Well, imagine being left to feel that alone'. I'm so glad you've come here so that you're not being left to feel all your feelings alone. You shouldn't have to be left alone to feel them. If you can feel yourself reaching tipping point, it's possibly because you are. Trust what you feel as you set out to serve yourself in loving ways and re-balance the scales in favour of taking care of yourself. ❤️
