Driving anxiety.

[Gertjaars]

I’m 23 years old, got my learners the day I turned 16 and still only have about 30 hours completed, so that’s 7 years and I’ve only done about 8 hours in the last 5 of them.

at first I was doing well but overtime with other things my depression, and my anxiety started to interfere with my life more and more.

ive seen a therapist about these things but they really didn’t help and after a couple months I stopped due to it only adding worries not fixing.

im okay with not driving I suppose, there’s ways to get around otherwise, but it’s my wife who is getting heavily effected by it.

nearly every time we go anywhere she wants me to drive, I don’t but it ends up with her being annoyed and kind of throws the whole day off.

i just don’t think I’ll be able to drive, the second I’m in the car drivIng I’m paying too much attention and overthinking and worrying, looking at every person, worrying about every car behind, infront and coming towards, worried that if someone moves I can’t control the car, worries that if someone walks out I can’t stop in time, worried that ill be looking at a car and accidentally speed or run a light, just a million things and I just break down internally and just feel exhausted and numb.

Ive told me partner this and she just says I have to get over it and she can’t be expected to drive all the time, I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried, I’ve tried a lot. Being able to drive with a lisence, be able to go somewhere by myself without needing my partner to take me or walking would be a literal dream come true, but through therapy, driving lessons, many attempts at different hours of day, it still kills me to drive.

I really need some outside input on this, it’s the same thing every day, I feel bad for it, I shouldn’t expect my wife to drive but I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to, I don’t trust myself with something that big and that fast, I’m uncomfortable being in a car in the first place for the most part.

for any replies, thankyou.

[Fizz_wizz]

Hi gertjaar

I feel your pain I didn't get my learner's until I was about 18 I was ok driving while there was someone else in the car but the thought of being on my own was overwhelming it took my 10 years until I pushed my self to take an actual driving lesson and the guy was to busy hitting on me to teach me what to do so after that I really didn't want to i made every excuse to my parents on why i couldn't do another lesson but in the end I found someone I was comfortable with and got my license it took me a while to get used to being on my own in the car sometimes you have to just get over the hurdle in front of you but I know it's not easy and everyone's anxiety works different. Your wife probably does want to support you but i found that people that don't suffer with anxiety do really understand they say they do but it can be so controlling you are not alone.

[therising]

Hi Gertjaars

I hear your frustration. Sounds like you're experiencing quite a bit of pressure, including the pressure you're placing on yourself.

Sounds a little outside the square but I'm wondering if you know anyone who's experienced anxiety who could take you for driving lessons. Anyone can teach you to drive but not all can teach you the strategies of driving with anxiety.

Another idea involves going back to basics. Even if it takes you a year of driving around deserted car parks to get into some comfort zone, take that year to learn to trust your abilities (with the help of someone reliable). Being able to drive on your own might take you 5 years to master, yet we all become masters of something at our own pace for whatever reasons.

My daughter turns 16 next month and wants to get her L plates although she admits to being a little terrified in regard to getting out there on the road. My goal will be to gradually ease her into new comfort zones which are specific to her, which is why she has chosen me (her mother) to teach her and not her father. Find the right person Gertjaars and they may make all the difference.

Of course, there should be no pressure for you to drive. There are plenty of folk out there who choose not to drive for a variety of reasons. But if you do decide to take the plunge, have a management strategy in place which will aid you in achieving all the mini goals in becoming a comfortable driver.

Take care of your self Gertjaars

[White_Rose]

Dear Gertjaars

Welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about whatever worries you. So many people here experience anxiety in one form or another and will relate to you. You are definitely not alone.

In my family my youngest son did not learn to drive until he was about your age while my other three children couldn't wait to get behind the wheel. It was hard for my son as his wife also did not drive and has never pushed past that barrier. We are a supportive family and took up the slack until my son got his licence.

My son-in-law does not drive a car. He takes himself around on a motor bike so my daughter does all the car driving. It does make for chaos at times like the time my daughter was due in hospital to have her baby. I took her to hospital while SIL rode his bike so he could take himself home.

Please stop putting pressure on yourself to get a licence as I think your anxiety will only get worse. Beyond Blue has lots of information about anxiety. Look at the catalogue https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/order-printed-information-resources . You can download fact sheets and order booklets to be sent to you, no cost. It may help you to know more about anxiety. Ask your wife to read this information as it may help her to understand. I think when you stop worrying about your anxiety you may be better able to go back to driving.

All stories about learning to drive are different and we all experience anxiety to some extent. I like therising's suggestion of driving round car parks. It is a good start until your confidence returns and you can drive on quiet roads. It's also a good idea to find someone who has experienced anxiety to teach you to drive.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your anxiety? It would be useful to do this and perhaps take some medication, at least for the short term. Perhaps you can try another therapist. Sometimes it's a bit hit and miss with therapists. You need someone you can relate to for the best outcome. It would be a good idea to talk to you GP about this as well.

I know it's hard to push yourself to do something that feels so unsafe and that's an OK response. Admitting it is the first and hardest step and you have made that step. I want to encourage you to take the next step, getting some help for yourself about your anxiety. Being unable to drive is a manifestation of that anxiety. In order for you to live a more carefree life it is necessary to get help. Chat to your doctor.

Mary

[ZiggOh]

Hi there!

I think I can definitely relate to your anxiety about driving. I can’t drive long distances in my own (& more than 30 mins and definitely not on highways with no traffic lights etc). I always get a fear I will purposely drive into the oncoming lane and crash into the car. Or that I will lose control and crash into anything. It’s a very overwhelming fear and I get so anxious. Because it happened a lot, I choose not to drive long distances now and avoid driving anywhere that is too far away. I unfortunately can get anxious too when my partner is driving as I am not in control and this was a huge fear when we first started dating. Maybe I didn’t trust him, I don’t know. I’ve never been in a car accident but the thought scares me to death. I know that this is not advice on how it can help you, but maybe you can relate to my experiences also. So I hope you feel as if you are not alone with intense anxiety about driving.

[Marchaaika]

Hi Gertjaars,

I also experience significant anxiety about driving, and have found it so difficult for others to understand that I have taken to using other excuses for why I can't drive. I also started out as a very nervous learner, but with the right driving instructor, I eventually got enough confidence to get my licence (I only had to do my lessons and test in my small country home town though, if city driving was required I'd never have gotten my licence).

I eventually got a reasonable amount of confidence and even started driving in the city, but with each bad symptom flare-up (I have anxiety, OCD and depression), I would stop driving completely again and have to build my confidence from scratch. I found that starting out slow, having someone supportive in the car, avoiding high traffic times and areas where possible, and sticking to familiar routes can help me. You are most certainly not alone however. I have had my license for about 18 years now, and have been actively driving less than half of that.

[Curls_McGee]

Hi Gertjaars!

As soon as i saw your post pop up on my screen i couldn't help but feel as if i had found a kindred spirit.

I am 23 years old and am still on my learner license, having only just finished my hours and booked in for my practical driving test. And honestly i am freaking out just as i have about every other aspect of anything else to do with driving. It had been very difficult for me getting to this point as even though my family and friends are as supportive as supportive can be, it can at times also make it harder as they try to push you past what you are able to cope with well before you are at that stage.

I found that i only started making progress when i took things one step at a time. Straight roads only at first, then maybe a particular trip to a town that i became comfortable with, then roundabouts etc. I only added one new thing at a time until i was confident that even when i might find it difficult i still had the tools to know what to do to handle any situation that happened in that moment. As silly as it seems i also learnt to do all of my driving outside of the town that i live in, (and thats saying something when the closest towns are an hour away), just so that the people who knew me couldn't make any comments, be they good or bad, about my finally beginning to get on the road because i know if that happened i would go downhill again and find it hard to get back in the car.

All i can say is that for me it has been a slow process that i have really had to work hard at. Has my anxiety disappeared? definitely not. But i am slowly learning different ways that help me manage it when i am driving. I still have my practical driving test ahead of me and I'm really not sure if I'm even going to make it to that point, if ill back out before hand, or if ill just fail. But I just keep telling myself that as long as i try and i take it at my own pace then i will get there one day, wether that day be in a weeks time, a few months or 10 years.