Down the rabbit hole

[MissPink1]

I am a 42 year old married woman with an adult son. I am well educated and have a professional career, a beautiful home, family and friends. I fear I am coming undone. I have had a problem relationship with drinking since I was 17 years old. My one serious attempt at sobriety ended a month ago, after I achieved 90 days. My husband and I started marriage counselling during that 90 days because, somewhat surprisingly, our problems were exacerbated by my sobriety. I have found the counselling both very difficult and helpful. Difficult because I find it so hard to talk about things (it took until the 4th session to talk about my addiction and it was excruciating) and helpful because I have lost this all consuming rage that I was starting to not be able to control and marital conflict has been markedly reduced and replaced with some tentative closeness. I also feel some relief although that is tempered with embarrassment. The problem is that, for some reason, I have been thinking about many negative things since starting counselling. My father suffers from mental illness and my childhood was defined by it and my mother's helplessness/hopelessness and focus on religion. It was predictably unpredictable - a cycle of conflict between my parents which, not infrequently, ended in minor physical violence against my mother. I am the eldest of 3 children and felt obligated to protect my siblings and, sometimes, my mother. As I got older I tried to help her take steps so she could leave, i.e. secure employment, but she seemed unable to and the church would say she had to stay anyway, so I gave up at some point and focused on finishing school and leaving. I spent my 20's and 30's been very busy. The only time I haven't had daily thoughts of suicide (no intention to commit just intrusive thoughts) is when I took an anti-depressant for about 12 months. The adverse side affects (a permeable glass wall between people and me) resulted in my stopping it. The withdrawal symptoms were terrible. I feel that I am defective and I will never be able to rectify myself. I feel worse with each passing day - sometimes I am so anxious I think I may lose the plot entirely. I don't feel able to talk about this with the counsellor because it would all be too much - how can one person be such a disaster? I know I need to get a grip on things but am unsure how to. There is no point going to my GP, because I am not taking medication and I am already in counselling. What to do?

[Croix]

Dear MissPink1~

Welcome here, it is probably a much easier place to talk than in marriage counseling. There is a lot of experience here - plus care and a desire to help.

First off congratulations on your 90 days, no mean achievement. You of course realise you have the same ability built into you that helped you start, plus experience of what the pitfalls look like now too. Many people find a support group of great help, it does not take much to deny the urge to cope if oyu have a resource to call too. Our 24/7 Help Line will probably know of a group in your area.

Yes I know, that often it does not fit ones self-image, though that quickly fades as the support builds.

Marriage counseling is not the same as a GP and personal counselor or psych. Different aims, different time allocation, less privacy. Different skills. could I suggest you at least see your GP and discuss the possibility? Unwanted repetitive thoughts, suicidal or otherwise, do need professional attention, if only to make life more livable for you, plus suicidal thoughts are themselves dangerous.

I'm glad that your partnership is starting to get back together.

Now that "permeable glass wall " sounds awfully familiar, I was influenced by PTSD, depression and anxiety until that glass wall was there, me on one side, me and the rest of the world on the other - I'm aware this does not make any sense.

Thanks to that side-effect and adverse reaction you have been put off meds and therapy. There are many, all different. Perhaps your GP might persuade you a re-think it possible. My meds are excellent, I've had them for many years, and have little in the way of side effects, while being (mostly) quite effective.

You know, I don't see you as a disaster at all, true you have hassles, but you are working though them, just coming here alone is a sign of that, plus you are working on your marriage, and on the drink. How on earth is that defective?

The best strategies involve support, maybe your husband may understand, maybe there is someone else, plus medical support is essential too. My improvement did not start - in fact I was deteriorating - until I had competent medical help.

You are not alone in this, you are welcome here anythime

Croix

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