Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Sorry about that, yesterday was not so good and I was totally not ready for it. You really have to buckle up and hang on tight with this anxiety thing. It sure can be a wild ride at times.

I hope you are going well with skipping the psyhc visit and everything else.

I don't know what pills I'm on, I just take what they say to take. Antidepressant have just been upped to stronger dose. I also take 'calm down' pills.

I'm sorry to hear about your first boyfriend. It's a terrible thing. As far as verbal and emotional abuse, I think it can be worse than physical abuse sometimes. Many people don't realise how damaging it can be.

As far as new pup, I would love one but unable to feed and look after myself right now so I think I will put that off for a while. It would be good though, someone to trust and talk to. Sounds silly but dogs are good listeners!

Today is 100 times better than yesterday and I hope your day is going well too.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Sorry to hear you had a tough day. The whirlwind that anxiety creates can pull you in all sorts of directions. I'm glad the next day was better. I hope today is turning out well also. 

Yeah, the puppy can wait. Still, something to look forward to.

Survived without the Psychiatrist appointment. Survived the plane ride, and now finally enjoying some sun!

How is work going? 

AGrace

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

Glad you made it ok. NO way could I ride on a plane at the moment.

Good to hear you survived without the psyhc appointment. I hope you're doing ok.

Work is a nightmare and getting tougher all the time. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears and then I start the stupid shaking again. I still make an effort everyday to show up regardless of the fear. I'm fighting as hard as I can.

Thanks for letting me know you made it ok.

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

This post is to no one in particular.

I hope to look back and smile on this someday.

Everyone lets me down. I can't believe that I keep putting my faith in human beings just so I can be used and left for dead time and time again.

I obviously try to hard and cannot handle the rejection and disappointment that people keep giving me. I couldn't do it to others, why do people just walk over me without any care for my feelings? 

I've tried to be harsh, uncaring and selfish like everyone else but it's just not me. I cant do it. What is to become of me? I guess the good guy does always finish last.

-Aggy.

[Chloekat84]

Hi Aggy. I know its hard to be positive at the moment when it seems everyone it out to get you or just doesnt care but im sure there are family that do. Maybe they just have trouble showing their emotions and/or feelings. Ive been where you are and it seems like no1 cares or believes in you. Please keep the faith if your a christian. If not just know that there are others out there who havent even met u that care such as myself. Please try and stay positive even though i know its hard at this moment. Take care we are thinking of you. x

[Aggy]

Thanks Chloekat.

It's nice to know someone cares. I am trying to stay positive as I can but for some reason I'm not doing so well.

This constant shaking and feeling of despair is starting to take it's toll on me. Now even stupid little things have been setting me off. To be a grown man and scared of such tiny things makes no sense to me. But I can't stop worrying anyway. This illness is so demeaning. I just want it stop.

For now, I'm just going to keep fighting.

Thanks for your concern and I hope you are doing well.

-Aggy.

[Snoman]

Hi Aggy,

I too am a grown man, yet in the past 6 months, I know I was not able to look after myself.  I am grateful that my wife could take care of things for me.

I have depression which includes anxiety, although not the same level of anxiety as you.  My anxiety was certainly enough to limit my daily activities.

We don't ask for our illnesses, but they come anyway.

From my perspective, I don't think of you as a grown man who is scared of little things.  I think of you as strong and brave person whose body & brain currently has severe reactions to some things.  Those reactions are not you.  If those reactions went away, you would still be the same person, just like as my hair falls out, I am still the same person - just balding.

My image of you as strong and brave comes from you fighting against an awful and difficult condition that you have contracted.  Don't undervalue what you have achieved already in fighting this condition.

Snoman

[Aggy]

Hi Snoman

Thanks for your inspirational post.

I suppose I have been undervaluing the achievements I have made so far. Looking back I guess I have been fighting, not always winning, but fighting none the less.

It's great you have someone to help you with your battle and I hope you are doing well. Your words have inspired me and again, thanks for posting.

-Aggy.

[Asche]

I don't have much time, so I'll keep this short, but I feel like I have to address this. In your first post you stated:

"I am safe here and I like it like that."

The question is, do you?

Do you really like it?

Or do you just prefer it, because everything else is so terrifying? It's a small difference, but there's a significant distinction. In one scenario, you're happy because you've attained what you wanted, in the other, the only thing you're relishing is that momentary absence of pain and fear. And I think, that if you truly did like it, you wouldn't be feeling quite as bad.

I think you're hiding. You're shying away from fear and pain, and I don't blame you. God knows I've done it myself. I still do - god only knows how many friends I've lost from refusing to open up. The question we both have to answer is, whether or not we want to continue living that way where the most joy you can aspire to is the absence of grief. Is that all you want?

Because I don't think so.

I know it hurts, but you have to dream bigger. And I suspect you already do, because you can imagine a person who isn't wracked with constant grief, or pain or misery. Perhaps not perfect, but not crippled, either. But you refuse to entertain that hope for yourself, because it feels so fragile, so forlorn, so prone to shatter to pieces, and you feel as if nothing good could come out of hoping, or trusting anything again.

But as Snoman said: You're strong. The fact that you've survived is evidence of that, and through that, you've kept your faith that at least someone else could get better. So if someone else-for example, the people on these forums- could get better, than why not you? Are their troubles lesser? Were they just weaker souls?

I don't think so. The only difference between them and you, is that now you're the one at risk. And yes, that is scary. It's terrifying, paralyzingly so. But they survived. They got better. That means you can as well.

[Aggy]

Hi Asche.

Its not so bad being stuck at home. I prefer it and I like it. No one can judge me or hurt me or laugh at me here. Agoraphobia is what causes my anxiety. Anxiety is what causes my depression.

Yes I'm hiding. I am protecting myself. I am unable to trust people 100% any more.

I start to shake when I hear the train coming into town. I am terrified of cars, particularly small white cars. I am to scared to drive my own car/s. I cant handle people looking at me. It takes hours to work up courage to go out to my own clothesline. I am terrified every time my phone rings. I'm unable to enter public or large places. I'm frightened to mow my own lawn.

I panic at just the thought of someone knocking at my door. I cant take my own bin out. I cant handle people talking to me or me talking to them. I cannot check my own mailbox any more. I cant remember the last time I went into my own shed/workshop. I panic about leaving things on and my house burning down. Crossing the road is terrifying. Trucks scare me senseless. Strong winds make me terrified.

There are many more things that worry me too that I wont mention here.

Everyone is different Asche. Others may fully recover and I see myself getting better than I am now but will never be the person I was. I will make sure of that.

Sorry to sound so negative, but that's the way it is at the moment.

Thanks for posting and I appreciate your point of view. 

-Aggy.