Do you ever feel worthless?

[Aggy]

I have always felt that I was a good person with decent morals and values.

Even after many years of evidence showing I am useless and dysfunctional, Even my mum told me my life is a complete waste. I have always pushed on believing they were all wrong.

You know what? It's taken me this long to figure out all those people couldn't be wrong. I am worthless.

They were right and now I know I want to just keep out of everyones way. If my agoraphobia and I just stay home, I cannot be hurt in anyway any more. I won't upset anybody. I am safe here and I like it like that.

I have my first Psychiatrist appointment in two days.  I am feeling like not going. He's wasting his time on me.

I'm better off to stay here and rot. Society can do just fine without me. 

He should try and help someone worth helping, not some one like me that's worthless.

Has anyone felt like this before?

-Aggy.

[Aggy]

Sorry about getting that song stuck in your head!

The tears were not from being sad. They were because someone cared and that's something I'm completely not used to.

It's hard not to be embarrassed when you are a big tough Aussie guy that hasn't cried since he was a little kid with a skun knee. But it seems all part of the recovery process, so I will soldier on.

It doesn't surprise me to hear that you were helping people in nursing homes with music. I've read a lot of your posts on BB and I'm nearly convinced that you are some kind of angel always helping others! Do you still play?

I play after work every weekday for two hours. Even on my darkest days I make an effort to play. It takes me to another place. Stops me thinking about bad things.

When I hide behind my guitar it makes me feel safe. I am able to express my emotions by making the guitar say what I cannot. Sometimes I make it sing and other times make it cry.

No one has ever seen me play and that's the way I like it. It's a very personal thing that I do for me only. I'd be lost without music. I've written some songs and love to sing, but I shall be the only one to ever here them.

Thanks for your message, and thanks for all that you do to help others.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Trust me, i'm jo angel. I just know what it's like to be at breaking point and have no one. So even if all i can do is lend an ear or share my experiences i know its better than nothing. 

No i dont play anymore. I use art as my method of expression now. Im not that great at it but its helped me a lot when i couldnt explain to people the fact that ive harmed or spent a night crying.

No one needs to hear your music if thats the way you prefer it. As long as it benefits you. One day you might decide that it could benefit others.

Take care and k keep posting. This could be another platform for you to share your feelings.

Amber

[kidcrazy24]

HI, why would you consider yourself worthless? Your not worthless. You have lots of things to think of besides your life being worthless. First, off do you have a family? Are you married? Do you have a decent paying job and live in a decent house? I am sure you can find ways to make your life not worthless. Why don't you try finding something that interests that may help you in feeling so blue. 

[Aggy]

Hi kidcrazy.

Without going into detail, being worthless has been proven to me time and time again.

I have one close relative that lives 5 hours away and that's it. No family, no friends, no pets, and no kids. The woman I love despises me. And my house is far from decent. I have a job that I am hanging onto by a thread. Besides severe anxiety, I have several other disorders including agoraphobia.

As far as interests to keep me feeling so blue, I play music until my hands hurt. I also have a vintage car that I am unable to drive because I'm stuck in this house. Up to now my life has been a waste and my future looks bleak at best.

Thanks for your concern anyway.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

I just wanted to say a pretty brave response to some pretty loaded questions there:)

I'm glad I didn't get to read your post from last night, sometimes the really dark ones are better just for getting it on paper, rather than sharing.

You know what, the fact that you are hanging in there with your job is such a huge act of courage - you might just be that tough Aussie bloke after all. I can't recall now whether I read it in another of your threads, but I think you mentioned that you ended up going to your appointment? What sort of treatment plans are in place for you?

I've never suffered from agoraphobia, but my anxiety was severe enough to keep me house bound. What sort of treatments are available? I'm guessing gradual exposure therapy, but are the anti anxiety meds helping yet? When do you see your Dr again? Do you drive to your Dr appointments? Maybe next time take the vintage car, just for some fun:)

I wanted to ask you, what are some accomplishments that you've made in life? Often our mental illnesses cause our minds only to focus on the negatives, when there have actually been a few positives. What have been some positive moments (even seconds) in your life?

You mentioned that the woman you love despises you, do I take it that the 2 of you aren't in a relationship? I don't think I recall you mentioning her before, does she know you love her?

Glad you got through last night, cos it sounds like it might have been a tough one, so a hug for making it out the other side:)

Amber

[Aggy]

Hi Amber the Angel.

I hope you are doing well.

I'm glad you didn't read last nights post too. It was enough to upset anyone. I have deleted many things without posting 'cause just getting it out is good sometimes.

They have upped my antidepressants to double dose. My GP is not back for another week or two. They have not told me what I am to do next except keep taking meds. Oh yeah, I have to go get a blood test and a brain scan too. Right now that is their treatment plan.

I am unable to drive my little vintage car because I don't like people looking at me or drawing attention to myself. Plus I cannot drive into my town anymore on my own in either of my cars.

Accomplishments.

I had a beautiful little kelpie cross female dog that I raised from a pup. Everyone that knew her was amazed at how fantastic she was. She was a bit of a legend around the town. I waited as long as I could but had to shoot her after 17 years of loyal service. That dog was my greatest accomplishment without doubt.

That's about it apart from working, I have a good work ethic and have been a supervisor in the past many times. 

The woman I love? We broke up last year but started seeing each other again. Things were going well until I went to visit and found her with another guy. She told me off for not calling first and treated me like I was a stranger. (I did call but she didn't answer so I was worried and went to visit).

To get rid of me easily she went to court and had an intervention order put on me so they can live happily without me calling in. She kept all my valuable antique stuff and anything else she wanted. I am now unable to call her, send a letter or email or be anywhere near her. My sweetheart and my belongings are all gone.

And yes, she knows I love her. She was the best girl I ever met.

Well that's my heart poured out for now and thanks for another hug which is much needed after last night which was rather tough.

Thankyou for your concern and everything but I am not sure how I'm going to make it through this much longer. I will fight as long as I can but am starting to run low on courage. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

Please take care of your self and your concern means more than you realise.

-Aggy.

[BenD]

Hi Aggy,

I like it when you said "...just getting it out is good sometimes", I completely agree. Sometimes it just feels liberating to say what you want, when you want, how you want.

I also get the idea that the guitar is a bit of a sanctuary for you. For me its my piano. I'm pretty envious of people who can play the guitar though, bit easier to transport around than a piano 😉 How long have you been playing for?

It truly sounds like your dog lived life to the fullest. For that you should feel proud to have given her that opportunity.

They say that a dog's personality is a reflection of their owner. By your own admission everyone was amazed at how fantastic your dog was... 🙂

Aggy, I know from experience that it's hard to believe some of the things that friends say (we are all friends here on beyondblue) but from what I can see you are definitely worth it.

Take care,

 Ben

[Aggy]

Hi Ben

Thanks so much for your very nice post.

I'm envious of piano players so we are even on that. I've been thinking about getting a keyboard for ages. Just to broaden my music knowledge. I've been playing guitar for quite a few years now but still have plenty to learn.

The dog is sorely missed, I seem to love animals so much more than people. I don't know why but animals seem to just come up to me like they know I am a friend of theirs already. I should've been a vet!

Right now I'm an hour late for work and shaking like a leaf but I'm going to have a go and turn up anyway. Finding strength is difficult.

I hope you have a good day and thanks again for posting such kind words.

-Aggy.

[AGrace]

Hi Aggy,

Even shaking like a leaf you are still going to work, good on you! I can't even do that at the moment, not just because I'm unemployed, but because the thought of going to a job scares the hell out of me. I left my job almost a year ago and I still have nightmares about it almost every night. What sort of work do you do?

The nerves have kicked in really badly, because I fly out tomorrow morning. I'm even cancelling my Psychiatrist appointment this morning because I didn't get much sleep, and I don't think I can face talking to her for an hour, despite how amazing she is.

Speaking of nerves, you mentioned you are taking Antidepressants, are you taking Antipsychotics as well to help with the anxiety? Do you also take a PRN through the day?

I know you said that you don't know how long you can continue like this, try not to focus on that, it's very futuristic thinking and it only serves the purpose of making you worry. Stay in the present moment as much as you can, take each day as it comes. I lost my first boyfriend to suicide, it's so not worth it, he was 20, far too young. I live with a gaping hole in my heart because of it.

This girl who is no longer in your life, it doesn't sound like she was deserving of you. You don't want to spend your life loving someone who does something like that to you. Being in a relationship with someone who would never even think of cheating is far more fulfilling. No doubt her actions are part of the reason why you feel worthless. 10 years with someone who verbally and emotionally abused me has given me a lot of insight into what it's like to feel like you don't deserve anything in this life.

Your dog sounds like she was gorgeous. When I was little my best friend's kelpie cross had a litter of puppies. They were all black and white except for one brown and white one. We always tend to love the different one more. He was like my little baby. My mum wouldn't let me keep him because we already had 2 dalmatians but I did name him. Don't laugh but I called him "Chockie Cerebral Palsy", I was only 8 so I have no explanation for that!! (You can imagine explaining that to the new owners:)) Have you thought about getting a new puppy? Could be a reason to go out for a walk, and everyone would be looking at your dog not you.

AGrace

[Aggy]

Hi Amber.

I am unable to type noww...

I will tryyy laaterr..

-aggy

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