Discuss with Parent about seeking help with Retirement

[Pawprint]

Hello,

My mum retired in 2019 and at first, she was happy with the retirement and was doing things in the garden, seeing people, and doing stuff she had never been able to do while working full-time.  However, over the last year, things have changed to the point where she refuses to try new things, go out, and see people. She has been using excuses to avoid any activity and recently was using excuses to stop going to the other side of the country to see her oldest daughter because of the dogs. She takes care of a family friend’s child once a week but other than that, she barely leaves the house.

My mum spent most of her life working as a nurse and we notice when she spent time working casually undertaking COVID-19 vaccinations to people in the community, I notice that she seem happy again with the interactions with people but since she stop doing that, her mood changed back again. It is getting to the point that it is affecting my mum and dad’s relationship at home. Two of the children live far away and I live the closest to her. I call her every week and try to see her when I can, but I travel a lot with my work and at certain times of the year can be very difficult.

Recently I found out she went back to the doctor and got anti-depression medication. However, I think she might need to talk to someone about this transition in life. My mum is incredibly stubborn and every time we make suggestions for activities she might enjoy, she would make excuses and get defensive. I know when I ask her, she won’t tell me how she is really feeling. I do feel it is affecting our relationship.

How can I have the conservation with my mum to get her to potentially seek help about the transition in life and some strategies to help her start enjoying retirement?

Pawprint

[white knight]

HI, welcome

You are being a very loving and caring child to your mum, but perhaps too caring? I mean sometimes people want to have a more simple life but we see that change and think they are wasting their life away etc when they are living it the way they are comfortable with. That might not be the answer you seek but it could be the case couldn't it?

What is an ordeal to someone is routine for others. Getting on a plane sounds easy yes? but I can tell you with my relatives in Tassy and I'm in Victoria getting on that plane for only 80 minutes to fly to that island is a big step for me. That's on of the problems with mental illness is that the simplest of tasks are much bigger than normal.

Of course this change in her will effect her loved ones. Less shopping together for you and her partner, he will need to find activities that satisfy him outside the home and without her, but in all cases to do with your mum ask yourself- "is her happiness in carrying out her life as she want it your main aim?" If it is yes than I would leave her live it the way she desires. Eg "My mum is incredibly stubborn and every time we make suggestions for activities she might enjoy, she would make excuses and get defensive."  Ask her what she wants to do. Suggestions is what you think she might like. Activities, the desire to do them should come from that person, suggestions never seem to work.

By the way, well done to her for being such help in her profession and during Covid. She is an angel.

TonyWK

[Mark Z.]

Hi Pawprint,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell that you've put a lot of efforts in trying to helping your mum.

I totally agree with you that she need someone to talk to about her feeling. As she's quite stubborn, talking to her over the phone maybe very hard. Maybe it'll be easier to talk to her next time when you visit her and have tea or dinner together? Or, if you think there's someone else in the family she gets along easier with, ask him/her to talk to mum?

It's also important to help your mum reconnect with the community. You can help her explore the activities or hobbies groups in your community. 

As a nurse she has much more knowledge and awareness to the mental health, that's why she came to the doctor when she felt something wrong. Despite this, your emotional support and care is extremely important to her. Even if you can't convince her to make a change right away, she knows you care.

Sorry that I don't have more valuable suggestions for you. But I do suggest you to ring Beyondblue hotline and have a chat with the professional. You may get some guide or inspiration from them. 

Hope everything will become better.

Mark

[Pawprint]

Hello,

Thank you for responding. I will have to disagree with you about the comment you made in the first paragraph as there is a behavioural change that has happened and it is not just me that has notice the changes in behaviour, many people close to her which include family friends are noticing the change in behaviour. Just "leave her alone" may not be the best course of action. As I know from experience just at times "leave it alone" can have long-term consequences.

The issue is that the suggestions I'm providing are some of things she does enjoy doing but I have never push it. She makes reasons why she doesn't want to do but then she continuously say that she doesn't do anything. It's a continuous cycle.

As through other replies/other discussions, I think I'm going to talk to a professional to have further discussions. Anyways thanks for the

input. 

[Pawprint]

Hello,

Thank you for replying. Thank you for those suggestions too. I spoke to one of her close friends and she has notice the difference in behaviour and she willing to be part of the conservation. I'm going to also talk to a professional to guide me about the conservation. Again thank you for your input.

[therising]

Hi Pawprint

You're such a beautiful person, caring so deeply for your mum. She's blessed to have you in her life.

While you're mum is past a 'mid-life crisis', the topic itself is an interesting one. To rephrase, this stage of life is often more about a kind of 'crisis of identity'. There are typically 3 outstanding ones. The first is around the age of 15, the next is around the age of 45 and the last is around the age of 75. With all 3 stages, the same kind of questions tend to come up. Maybe they're some of the questions your mum's asking

• Who am I, at this stage of my life?
• What direction am I meant to be taking?
• Who can I rely on?
• How do I need to reform myself, in ways that bring me joy?
• What are these feelings I'm facing? Why am I feeling life the way I am?
• What is my purpose at this point?
• What do I have to look forward to?

and the list goes on. As I say, whether we're 15, 45 or 75, the questions can be pretty much the same. By the way, I'm a 52yo gal. I listen to my 82yo mum speak openly and honestly about the challenges faced with aging. The fact of the matter is...whether we're 30, 50, 60 or 70, we're doing the age we're at for the 1st time. We've never done this age/stage before, therefor everything's new (including the challenges that come with it).

Having been a nurse, I'm assuming you're mum's a sensitive person, a deeply feeling and caring person. Life can definitely be harder for 'a feeler' because they feel everything so deeply, challenges included. They can feel a lack of something and what's depressing. They can feel how it feels to be lost and feel what a lost sense of self feels like. Maybe if you lead your mum to open up about how she's feeling everything, you might lead her to a few revelations that could help her with a sense of direction.

[therising]

Hi Pawprint

Sorry, forgot to mention something about leading your mum to open up about how she's feeling. While you mention she doesn't like to express how she's feeling deep down, maybe some serious validation might make it a little easier for her. Kind of like if you were to say to her 'Why don't you get back into gardening?' and she responds with 'It just doesn't interest me anymore', asking 'Do you know why you don't feel a connection to the garden anymore?' could open up some further dialogue. A lot of people simply tend to respond with 'Well, you should do it' or 'Try something else then', instead of asking about someone's sense of disconnection from it and how that leads them to feel. You might end up leading her to explore the reasons behind the disconnection. Btw, some people have always managed a garden based on sight (they enjoying seeing it). Perhaps a vegetable garden could offer some welcome change, a garden based on taste or one based on smell (aromatherapy). Perhaps you can buy her a bottle of perfume to get her started with the aromatherapy journey or maybe an oil and a diffuser. Just a suggestion. Wondering if she ever came across aroma therapy in her nursing career at any stage. Perhaps it might be something of interest for her 🙂

[ecomama]

Dear Paws, it's wonderful that you care so much about your mum. 

Retirement can be a MASSIVE transition in life. Some people do go downhill with their MH at this time. I've known quite a few tons of friends who've had marital issues burgeon in on the scene after retirement which shocked all of us, having a reasonably calm marriage before this time. 

It's hard to bring stuff to people who are stubborn lol. Also in your mum's case, she's spent her LIFE caring for others, so it could be her identity to do this? 
I got some advice from MANY Helplines and my own Counsellor when attempting to HELP family members having MHI's... the advice was cray I thought but it was repeated over and over to me by various therapists so I thought.... I'll give it a go.... 

The answer was my own self-care. (Yep I thought so too, WHAT??)

But I did this, communicating WHAT I was doing for myself, modelling this..... lo and behold it worked. 
It's worth a try? 
Well it took months but it worked in the end. They are ALL far better now. 

Hope you find answers for your mum, hugs, 
Love EMxxxx