Diagnosed with anxiety nearly 10 yrs ago, decided to go off my meds, i think i was faking it all along

[Artiekat5]

hi, i was diagnosed with anxiety 10 years ago, when i was 6, i am currently 15 (i also have ADHD, ASD, and Asperses) me, my boyfriend, and the friends that i have told think that is is very likely that i have depression, BDD and Other specified feeding and eating disorders (OSFED). two days ago, i decided to stop taking my antidepressants to test a theory that i had, that it was my antidepressants making me feel like i wanted to die, and to hurt myself, and making me think i had the things said above, and i have been good since then. i am now doubting everything that i thought i was feeling, doubting that i have anxiety, and thinking that i have been faking all these years (with anxiety) and for the past month (depression, BDD and OSFED). i did tell my mother about the things that i have a high chance of having, and that i was slightly suicidal and she said "you have no reason to want to KMS" and she also said that the BDD and OSFED was normal for teenage girls, and complety invalidated me.

my main point is that i think it was my meds causing all these emotions, and that i was faking, and i dont know what to do (my antidepressant also help me sleep, and i cant sleep without them). i have been good for 2 days and i am confused.

PS (sorry for the horriable sentence structure, my english subject isnt my best, also this is my first post here so i have no idea if i did it right?)

thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hey Artiekat5,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums! We think your English is fine and had no trouble reading your post. 

We're sorry to hear about everything going on for you at the moment. It sounds as though you have many stresses to juggle and are trying to figure out the best way to understand and manage them. It makes sense that you are looking to support yourself, that's a lot to deal with. Please know that you're not alone, and there is help available to you.

Have you been able to see your psychologist or psychiatrist recently? It sounds like it would be worth checking in with your prescribing doctor to let them know how you are feeling lately.

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

 

[Artiekat5]

hello, thank you for your response. i am no longer seeing my psychologist as my funding ran out at the end of my/ beginning of June. i did just finish a webchat session with one of your counsellors and they gave me a list of services i can access and ways to manage my negative thoughts. i did receive the email sent to me and i have replied.

thank you

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome to the forums.

firstly, I hope you are doing ok? did you go off the meds with assistance of your gp? I cannot tell you what you should or should not do and sometimes we only know the effect after it is gone. And sometimes, the meds help one "complication" and not the other. For example, my meds help my anxiety and depression and it took a little while to get it right.

now... you were fine in what you said and how you said it. It made sense and that is all that matters. Besides, once you hit the post button you cannot edit it. Eeek.

since you cannot see your psychologist any longer, I hope that some of the services that were mentioned to you will allow you to get some sort of diagnosis. And really, a professional is the best person for that - I was looking for answers once on the Internet and brought these to my psychologist. I was wrong.

I would like to hear more of your story and listening to you. Perhaps you could tell me a little on "depression, BDD and Other specified feeding and eating disorders (OSFED)" and where it might have started.

Listening to you.

[Pumpkinella]

Hi Artiekat5,

Sounds like you are going through a confusing time, which is so common when there are few complex matters to deal with! So don't be hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you were experiencing some symptoms originally and perhaps the medication helped in some respects but may have, over time, worsened or added in some other symptoms as well. This can happen with medication, some of the symptoms you listed there are common side effects.

As it has only been two days without the medication, perhaps its best to wait a bit to see how you feel over time. If you feel much better then that's fantastic. Don't feel like you have to wonder whether you were faking things. Sometimes the passage of time, life experience and counselling can help us without us realising. You may have been sorting things out with your anxiety (through counselling etc) and then going off the meds gave you immediate relief on other side effects. I do recommend that you speak to a GP however about the fact that you have decided to go off your medication and what you are so far experiencing. You want to make sure its a safe transition off medication if that is your decision.

I'm sorry about the conversation with your mother. Sometimes my mother can minimise my symptoms or want to believe its something else because its difficult her to face the reality of the situation. It can make it tough for us though. And while body image issues effect many young girls, it is about the degree to which it causes suffering. There is a spectrum of intensity and perhaps you feel this issue more than other girls do. I am sorry to hear what you are going through, I hope you can find some assistance there. I am not sure if they mentioned this when you chatted to Beyond Blue - but The Butterfly Foundation provide a lot of assistance in this area so could be a good place to start https://butterfly.org.au/

By the way there was nothing wrong with your sentence structure, I found your post very easy to read 🙂

Love

Pumps

[Artiekat5]

hi, i went of my meds without the assistance of my GP, and sadly when i tried to speak to professionals (schools guidance counsellor, and my old psychologist, and my not professional mother, they all said it was My ASD, but out of all my friends that i told, including my boyfriend say its not. i have been ok with out my medication, and its making me doubt my feelings as stated before. With the Depression, BDD, and OSFED thing, i have always struggled with weight and liking my body, and being a 15YR old in high school doesn't really help. I don't eat at school, and doing Prac (physical side to HPE), make me very uncomfortable to the point that one of my classmates was worried that i was going to have a panic attack, however, yesterday and today i have been eating fine, in fact yesterday i ate 3 meals and same with today, which is also making me think it was fake. i also hate eating out, and in front of my boyfriend, i am working on that though. with depression, im not really sure when, how, or if i have it, my boyfriend, an some close friends (who have or have ad depression say so). i get stressed easily, and considering im in year 10, with set plan and senior schooling, as well as the constant hiding of my neurodivergence's, its a bit of a mess, as well as bullying by these year 8 girls at school, who have stopped. i just feel like i have been overreacting for the past month (when i really started to notice, i noticed before that and talked to my schools guidance counsellor, which didn't help, actually made me not want to talk to adults.

but with that last question im not really sure what you were asking, so i hoped that helped

thank you

[Artiekat5]

hello, love your username by the way.

with going of my meds, i feel that it has helped in all aspects, apart from the faking it part, i feel so guilty about it. i have not told my GP, or my family that i have stopped taking my meds, since the conversation with my mother didn't go so well.

my body issues have made doing prac (physical part of HPE) really uncomfortable, i don't eat at school, however this weekend i ate 3 meals both days, i don't like to eat in front of my boyfriend, and i am working on that, i used to love swimming, and now that it is warming up in QLD, im not looking forward to it now. when ever im out, i always try to look my best and hid the parts i don't like, and often feel like i am going to be judged everywhere i go, making me anxious (even though i think my anxiety was fake). i haven't hated my body since going of my meds, ( also think that both BDD and OSFED are fake), but i used to want to (in my head!!!) cut parts off that i didnt like, and would always focus on them, and why they are bad. i still weigh myself every day, (probably not good) but my mother thinks its normal.

i have heard about the butterfly foundation, through my own research, and i am scared to reach out as i think i don't fit in or qualify for OSFED or BDD, and i am scared of being told im faking it and dont need help even though ironically, i say those exact things to myself. i think in general i am scared to try and get a diagnosis from a professionals due to the last 2 prof i have told, and fear that they will tell me its my ASD again.

i have been scared to even talk about it becuase i think im faking it, or its not bad and feel really silly for everything i have told people, and talking about it here, and quite guilty for it.

so im not really sure if i even need help anymore though, but i will keep it in mind

thank you

-Artiekat5

[Pumpkinella]

Hi Artiekat5,

Sorry I did not respond for a while, I was recovering from the vaccine.

Please don't feel bad. Can I ask what makes you think like you were faking it? Do you feel like it was something you made up on purpose? Or something you exaggerated without realising what you were doing?

Either way I don't want you to feel shame. Its so confusing trying to figure ourselves and our emotions out and sometimes in the process we can all do funny things. I too have done a similar thing and while I don't feel great about it, I also understand I was going through a difficult time. If we exaggerate or fake things, its normally because there is something that is upsetting us, some need we have that isn't being met and we don't know how to handle it.

But it sounds to me like you are just feeling much better now which is a good thing. The butterfly foundation supports people on body image issues - you don't need to have any kind of diagnosis it doesn't have to be extremely serious. So just what you were explaining about how you are self-conscious when swimming and want to hide yourself is enough to discuss. You can also be open and honest like you have been here about your confusion around how you felt in the past and how you feel now.

Can I ask are you still feeling good off your meds? I have heard that with some medications, if you stop suddenly, it can have some negative side effects. That is why telling your GP might be good but I do understand its a bit tense with your mother at the moment. Are you able to see the GP just on your own?

Hope you are enjoying some sunshine today. Oh and thanks regarding the nickname, its just something my aunt calls me. Not sure why lol.

Love

Pumps