decision making

[GreenEgg]

Hi everyone

Often I tend to become kind of stuck on an issue. When that happens I can make rash decisions, like spending a lot of money or taking sudden actions. It’s almost always a massive overreaction, and something I have to do right then.

On the weekend I bought a lot of unnecessary stuff, worked myself up in a stress, and then something else happened. I basically was scammed and didn’t see it coming when I should’ve, then when I realised I was too timid to do anything about it. 

The rest of the weekend I was basically just so upset with myself for being so stupid, and for being such a pushover. I couldn’t stop crying.

I do have some exercises to do about snapping out of ‘fight or flight’, but I often don’t realise how far I’ve spiralled until later. Or I realise but feel like I can’t stop?

Does anyone else get this? What do you do about it?

Thanks

G

[Mark Z.]

Hi G,

I do understand your feeling, sometimes I make similar mistakes, and it makes me feel guilty or anxious. You have good self-awareness, which is definitely helpful. I'm not a professional and not very sure whether we shall call it 'impulsivity and emotional regulation challenge'. But I do have a few suggestions from my experience.

Take a pause. When you feel you're going to make an emotional and rash decision, make a pause for 5 mins, if the circumstance allows you to do so. You can try to have a cup of water, or stand up and walk around, while thinking about whether it's a wise decision. Ask someone you trust for a second option is also a good idea.

Write it out. Journaling can be a helpful way to process your emotions and gain clarity. Write down your thoughts and feelings, and try to identify any patterns or triggers that might be contributing to your impulsive behavior.

Create a plan. If you can summarise some patterns or triggers, like you realise you tend to become impulsive in certain situations, create a plan in advance for how you will respond. This can help you feel more in control and prevent you from making rash decisions.

Seek support. Talk to a good friend or family member about what you're going through. If it's been bothering your life a lot, it's worth to consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can provide you with additional tools and strategies for managing your emotions. You can always start from your GP for a referral.

Hope it helps a bit.

Mark

[therising]

Hi GreenEgg

2 of many amazing abilities we have are wonder and feeling. The ability to wonder and the ability to feel deeply and easily are 2 abilities most of us are born with but typically not shown how to use really well. As a 52yo gal, I've only entered into the learning stages in recent times.

If I gave you 5 million dollars and then said to you 'I want you to wonder about all the things that could possibly make a difference in your life', I imagine (if you're like me) you could spend it in less than a couple of weeks. 'I wonder how I'd feel if I made donations to some good causes that changed the lives of others for the better. Wonder how I'd feel if I bought that house that was for sale, that I saw last week, the one I wish I had. Wonder how I'd feel it I bought that treadmill, went on that holiday, bought that whole new wardrobe of clothes, stayed in the city for a week in a 5 star hotel' etc. With money being a great resource for wonder, there's gotta be a 'wonder budget'. I've had my kids say to me on a number of occasions 'Mum, you can't afford to wonder about that'. Wondering just gets me so excited. 😁

With feeling, no one warns you what it's like to feel the impact of brutes, bullies, scammers, degrading closed minded people, depressing narcissists, anxiety inducing folk/situations and so on. If you have the ability to feel all that and more, life becomes a challenge. Btw, I'd much rather feel someone say to me 'All scammers have mental issues. Do you think it's mentally sound to manipulate people through dishonesty while robbing them in some way? Absolutely not' rather than feeling someone say 'I can't believe you didn't know it was a scam'. That 2nd one's a flat out depressing thing to say to a person. Who holds the greatest fault, the person who trusts or the one that scams, without a single ounce of feeling in their heart?

You're a truly wonderful deeply feeling person ❤️

[GreenEgg]

Thank you both! I’m sorry for not replying earlier, I was having some login trouble but I read your messages. I’ve booked in with my psychologist - I haven’t been in a while.

Mark taking a pause is a great idea, and so are writing it down or speaking to someone. I often find myself writing notes so maybe that’s something I can do no matter where I am! I think certain times are worse, like at night, or when I’m worried about something else a non issue quickly escalates.

therising thank you for your very kind words. It’s hard not to blame myself, maybe because I couldn’t help but think of the person too. They were exhausted and seemed like a backpacker or migrant so they probably weren’t being well treated by whoever was running the show. I like the idea of thinking of feeling and wonder as abilities too- I always think more in the negative about things as issues or problems eg reacting too strongly to something rather than the reverse!

[Mark Z.]

Hi GreenEgg,

Thanks for your feedback.

I hope you find some of the coping strategies we discussed helpful after giving them a try.

Anxiety or depression can worsen at night because there’s nothing to distract from the various thoughts and worries swirling around in your head. Another reason anxiety worsens at night is that fatigue makes it more difficult to cope and positively deal with our worries. “The brain simply doesn’t have the energy needed to put anxiety into perspective.

When you say you're worried about something else a non issue quickly escalates, I think when you have an impulsivity and emotional regulation challenge, it can be difficult to control your emotions. This can cause you to worry about something else, which in turn causes a non-issue to quickly escalate. For example, if you are worried about a work project, you may become more irritable and sensitive to criticism. This can cause you to become upset over something that would not normally bother you.

But again, I’m not a professional, so this is just my limited understanding. You can summarise these patterns and discuss them with your psychologist to help explore the root cause more deeply.

Mark

Mark

[David35]

I find I need to go for a walk after having a panic attack. Otherwise I spiral into blaming someone else unnecessarily. It at least gives me some perspective.

Don't be too hard on yourself about professional scammers. I once got scammed out of $4000 by a person I thought I was genuinely helping. He turned out to be a heroine addict with a criminal history. These people are very good at what they do. It's not your fault they prey on people's generosity and helpful nature.

When it comes to buying stuff, especially for the shed, I buy one thing at a time. Then reassess if I need anything else. I may want a lot of things, but do I NEED them. Sometimes though, you've just got to spoil yourself.

[GreenEgg]

Hi David, thanks so much for your reply and I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s pretty upsetting isn’t it. A walk is a great idea I’ve been really trying to do that more now anyway, for exercise, maybe it can be a go to for me. Buying one thing at a time is still trouble for me as I always seem to find something I convince myself I need. I think I need to create a list of things that are ok v not - maybe questions.

Thanks again

G

[mchops]

Hello GreenEGG,

I find that I also shop to cope. Sometimes it’s just to cope with anxiety about why a friend hasn’t texted back (silly, right?). So whether I was anxious or angry or sad, I would think the solution was to pull out my wallet. However, I don’t do that anymore. Here’s how:

First, I would acknowledge what I’m feeling. And it’s likely that the answer is yes I’m spiralling and using shopping as a coping mechanism. Then, instead of actually buying stuff on the website, I’d trick myself into either adding everything to Wishlist or adding to cart, and then I’d abandon it all. By then I’d already feel better because I’ve already had a dopamine rush of adding to cart, without buying anything. Sometimes I’d just screenshot what I want to buy and forget about it afterwards. I’d do anything besides pull my credit card out.

I hope that addresses the point about making rash spending decisions. 

These days I cope by either watching some show or working out. I think working out is the best solution because I almost always come out of the gym in a much happier mood, and is therefore the best way to snap out of whatever mood I’m in.

I really hope this reply helps you, or helps whoever comes across this thread.

Wishing you all the best of luck, we’re in this together.

[David35]

Write a list, the same way you write a shopping list. Except rank them in order of priority. See if that helps.