Debilitating social anxiety

[bellyk8]

I'm reaching out because i want to know if there's anyone that shares my level of social anxiety (to the point that it interferes with everyday life and has for years). I find it difficult to maintain eye contact with people that are talking to me, to the extent that i cannot fully focus on what they're saying to me because i'm so anxious + heavily focused on maintaining eye contact with them. I avoid social events at all cost (which means that i don't have much of a social life but i am introverted so that doesn't bother me heaps), if i have to go to them (family or work related event) i will dread it for days ahead of the event, if there is alcohol involved i use that as a bandaid effect to ease the severe discomfort i experience. If i find myself in a group setting with people or even going to the shops and see someone i know i will enter fight or flight mode and shut down mentally/physically, like i can't even function properly. There is so much more i can say but basically i am sick of feeling like i have to hide all the time and be severely distressed by things that any normal person would not be in their everyday life, and i shouldn't be in fight/flight mode over. I feel isolated at work because i don't actively engage with my coworkers (unless it is a work related question) to avoid the anxiety that comes with making small talk or banter (i'll avoid the lunch room and go out for a walk at lunch). I also used to wear sunglasses when working in an outdoor job often to avoid direct eye contact which made me feel much more at ease. I know all these coping mechanisms are not healthy, but i have been like this for years. I don't know what triggered the social anxiety, i was a shy person in school and only stuck to one or two friends, never groups of people. I understand that exposure therapy seems to be the only way out of SAD (i am medicated for anxiety however it doesn't seem to have an effect on my SAD), but i feel like at my age (33), being in the workforce and having a partner etc, it should have dissipated? I know rationally that there is nothing to fear from people talking to me but i can't help it. I should also note that my partner is pretty much the only person that i don't struggle / think about eye maintaining contact with. One psychologist asked if i thought i might be autistic, but i am fairly sure it is social anxiety. If anyone out there is going through the same thing please know you're not alone.

[Annas1]

Hello All,

I identify with so much you have described. I really appreciate TR's exploration of the different types of stimulation/over-stimulation we can experience and how this can interact with our interpersonal relating. Honouring our nature as sensitive/perceptive is useful here, rather than thinking we are too sensitive or incapable of managing day-to-day interactions the way less sensitive/perceptive folks do.

I am currently in the very eye of a sensitivity overload and would like to approach my situation with both kindness and intelligence (rather than criticism and carelessness). In this Christmas pre-season I've already been thoroughly tested, managing a few get togethers while declining more. The few I have attended/hosted have been good but very exhausting, and have reinforced the fact that I am not a party girl. I really do like fewer, smaller, more informal social occasions.

I also fall into the mental trap of believing that I need to celebrate/mark Christmas with just about everyone in my social world. This is probably the result of some perfectionistic thinking about myself and a misunderstanding of other people's expectations. In addition, I am neglecting my now recognised need to not have such high standards nor be focused on meeting others' needs. I'm going to have to get back to The Courage to be Disliked, which has been a helpful corrective to my historical attitudes. Essentially, I will benefit from being honest with myself about what I really want to do (only join a few gatherings at this time of year) and commit to being clearer with others about what I can and can't do (I can't commit to catching up over the Christmas period). Sticking to these simple realities is particularly difficult in relation to my son, whom I love and don't want to disappoint. But there you go, I probably need to have courage in that regard too!

Take care of yourselves - it's the first task we have!