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Dealing with ongoing anxiety due to childhood issues and domestic violence issues with ex partner

Community Member

I was diagnosed with anxiety 6 years ago (as well as PTSD).  This was partially due to having a mother that was in and out of my life from the time I was 3 weeks old (brought up by my grandparents), did not know who my father was (found out in 2018) and an abusive ex partner. My grandmother was a very controlling person who dominated my life, she used me as a method of trying to control my mother (who was 21 and a single mother when I was born), this was the main cause of my anxiety.  My ex partner was a lovely person until he smoked weed and drank at the same time, this would lead to him getting very violent, the first time was just after we had bought our house.  The problem is now at the slightest hint of any stressors I spiral into anxiety very quickly, I have been given strategies by psychologists to deal with this, however it seems like my brain just short circuits.  This is now causing major issues with my husband who is on the receiving end of this behavour.  He has a really hard time understanding (although he does know my situation).  I don't want to lose this relationship but I am worried that if I cannot get this under control I will.  I also have a big problem showing any type of affection, I feel like I've tried to deal with these issues but being a bit of a people pleaser when talking to psychologists, have just not dealt with things as I should have.  Not sure what I'm looking to get out of this, just want to get off the treadmill I seem to be on

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome. 


You have a few issues and I'm glad you wrote in. We are people with lived experience and there is some things mentioned I've endured myself. I'm happy you have a psych to help you too.


I too had a controlling mother, like your grandmother was. The fallout from that can be lifelong issues like your anxiety and lack of confidence even widespread enough to cover becoming a "people pleaser". Just not enough pats on the back and too much controlling has terrible results. So inground are these problems we experience that as adults we carry them lifelong and what we can hope for is the best out of ourselves from a programmed mind... sounds bad eh, but we shouldnt ever give up on a happy life, as happy as we can make it for the cards we are dealt.


Talking just about some people, lets stick to some women that control others and use them as pawns in their quest to dominate, in my case it all unravelled when I googled something my friend told me. Google - "queen witch hermit waif". Those 4 characters my mother had an it answered why I ended up messed up. 


The good news is that when you begin to accept that these parents or grandparents, major influencers, it leads you to a judgemental attitude that places them in a pigeon hole. I call it the "pigeon hole of parental incompetence". i.e. you begin to accept that such upbringing was not your fault and they had no idea how to protect you from abuse and it IS ABUSE. 


People like us can search the world for answers but there is a few issues about that- every situation is unique and might need long discussion, you need to be open minded and determined to overcome and that could develop and be kind to yourself.


The benefit of this forum is we are open 24/7/365. Post and you will be answered sometimes you need to wait till one of us is online. You can keep your thread ongoing, just ask questions. Eventually you might answer questions of someone younger in a similar situation. Thanks for posting.