Cancer phobia

[Bulletin_Board_Archive]

Originally posted by: Anna on 18 February 2013

Is there anyone reading this who knows what this is like or can help me? I am a 28 year old mum of two children, the youngest just a baby, and since the birth of my second, have been going through alot of general depression and anxiety. I've seen doctors and psychologists, and am reluctant to use medication as i'm concerned of the effects this will have on me breastfeeding. The main cause of my anxiety is a fear of cancer, which has become absolutely debilitating over the past few months. It's driving my partner mad, having effects on my oldest child, and preventing me from having social contact, as i feel unable to direct my focus to this phobia whenfriends are around (!). I have little energy for anything else in life but constantly checking my body for signs that I have cancer, and monitoring myself for any new signs. My latest fear is leukemia or some form of blood cancer, due to seven unexplained small bruises i have found on one leg, and the fact that i can feel my lymph nodes, despite being reassured by my doctor that they are within the normal size range. In the past year, i have "had": two types of breast cancer, cancer of the salivary gland, leukemia (seperate from this episode), brain tumor, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, skin cancer,bone cancer and lymphoma. They have all been talked over with gps, who have explained the symptoms with fairly non-sinister causes. Constant checking of symptoms online has fuelled alot of this in the past, but I have mananged to control this to a degree recently, to no avail. If i do check the net, I start out intending to seek reassurance, only to wind up in a complete state of panic, calling my partner at work to let him know I'm dying, and with usual panic symptoms (sweating, racing heart, numb fingers and toes, pressure headaches etc). It seems everywhere i go, everything I read, is saturated with the constant threat and reminder that cancer is out there, waiting to pounce on me. I'm so scared, as i have two children who are my reason for living, and who need me. I can't shake the image of myself lying in a bed somewhere with measured time to live. I have always been scared and confronted of death, but this is getting out of hand. The saddest part of this all is that i want to live so much, but am nott enjoying life at all for this stupid fear of dying. I'm always asking my partner for reassurance and pointing out my symptoms to him, and although he does his best to deal with it by reassuring me and reminding me off all the other times it's turned out to be nothing, it's taking it's toll on our relationship. Another niggling thought that makes the situation even harder is this: What if, in spite of all the false alarms, this time it's the real deal? I mean. how many bullets can one dodge in a lifetime. I have no family history of cancer, but figure someone has got to be the unlucky one, and I bet it's just me! Sorry for the long ramble. If anyone can relate to this, please let me know. xx

[nessmatic82]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone has successfully overcome this horrible and sometimes dibilitating phobia. Mine started in my late twenties with compulsive skin checks then breast checks. This year it peaked after the arrival of my third son. I'm wondering if the extra stress of quitting work and staying at home with three young kids exasperated it. Because in the last 12 months I have had every "cancer scare" you can think of - bowel, breast, ovarian, cervical, skin, leukemia, bone and more recently lung, esophageal and tongue. No matter how much my gp reassures me I'm convinced that some type of cancer will eventually get me. It's horrible. I live on dr google or in the bathroom checking and checking again. I've started to shut my family out and have become very socially isolated and reclusive. I resent all the happy mums out there enjoying their children and feeling fit and healthy when I feel like I'm on the verge of an emotional break down, exhausted, depressed and completely alone.

[Hazel05]

Reading this I can really relate.

The last month I have been in tears after reading on google that my symptoms could be bowel cancer, ovarian cancer, and now I’m worried about mouth cancer because I have some marks on my gums which are probably just sores from...you guessed it, because run down from anxiety! It is really debilitating constantly worrying about the worst case scenarios because let’s face it, Dr Google always comes up with the “c” for any symptom!

i know it’s hard and I’m also trying not to, but you have to stop googling!! It doesn’t do anything but make you feel more anxious!

Ive gone to the doctors numerous times this month to get every test under the sun to check I am ok. I had an ultrasound done to check on my pelvic pain and yes you guessed it, all clear! Ever since I’ve heard that the pains are slowly disappearing! It’s almost as if our symptoms are caused by tension and anxiety!

I’m off to the doctors again this morning to rull something else out yet again. I can’t keep doing this as it’s affecting me financially as well as mentally! But at the same time it’s a step closer to telling myself it’s just me thinking the worst and that I actually am ok!

Hope you are ok and know you are not alone with this feeling!!!

[Leleina]

Hi Nessmatic82

I hear you. I recently asked my gp to have my bloods tested to see how to get cancer detected early. My family has a history of cancer. My mum was recently diagnosed with Lymphoma and has successfully undergone chemotherapy in the last year. Sadly, my mil passed away of stage 4 liver cancer last month, and we didn't know. It was quite traumatic. Enough to make me go to the gp. My grandmother had colon cancer.

I never had to think about this until now and I too have three young children. I worried when my boobs had linps from en

[Leleina]

Oops I didn't finish and accidentally pressed post reply.

Anyway just want to let you know you are not alone and I know how isolating and exhausting stay at home can be, and how fears prey on your mind.

Is there someone you can talk to? I recently tried to get myself on a mental health plan to talk about my anxieties. Your children needs a mum who is present for them. Sometimes we all need a break from the daily grind. Thinking of you.

[nessmatic82]

Thanks for your replies. It really helps to know I'm not alone with my fears. My issues have snowballed this week. I had a chest xray on Wednesday following a persistant cough. Lungs look completely normal but the xray showed a small compression fracture in my T3 vertebrae. The gp didnt seem too worried but she's going to follow up with the radiographer to see if further investigation is required. Most people would wait to hear back and get on with their lives until then. Not me. I went home, googled this fracture, read that it's caused by either truama, osteoporosis or yep, you guessed it, advanced bone cancer - so once again I've lost my appetite, can't sleep, keep having puplatations, keep staring at my children wondering if I'll get to see them grow up. It's like a nightmare. I tried speaking to a counsellor from lifeline but that didnt really help. She just kept saying raise your concerns with your gp which I tried doing but everything rests on test results which I constantly have to push for and then wait forever to get. I'm not a hypochondriac or looking for attention. I just want to be healthy and happy. Will this ever end!!

[Leleina]

Hi Nessmatic82

It has been some time since you posted, have you heard anything back from the tests? The wait must be so difficult for you. I cannot imagine how you are coping on your own with the children. Do you have family or friends you can share the diagnosis with and who can be with you physically during this difficult time? Sometimes they can help with the waiting and keep your mind off the unknown.
Thinking of you
Leleina

[nessmatic82]

Hi Leleina

It turned out the fracture mentioned was a reporting error. I do have a spinal fracture that I already knew about but in the lumbar spine (lower down). That was a relief but my health anxiety still continues. Since my last post I've had an ultrasound to check for lumpiness in my breast (all clear) and now I'm obsessing about some moles on my neck and arm that don't look right. I'm seeing my gp tomorrow for yet another skin check. Things were good over Christmas and I was looking forward to a fresh start in the new year. Now I'm back to worrying.

[Hazel05]

Hi Ness

Sorry to hear that your anxiety has flared up again!

just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Despite having all my tests come back normal and my stomach pains subsiding (still there but not as bad), my anxiety came back when I was talking to a friend about my symptoms and she recommended a colonoscopy. I googled the reason why you need to get it done (to check for the “c word” and my anxiety went through the roof! She then recommended a laparoscopy to rule out endometriosis and made things ten times worse as the last thing I want to do is undergo invasive test procedures that have not even been deemed necessary by the three doctors I’ve seen!

my mum brought something up the other day and it really resonated - when do the tests stop? All 3 doctors I’ve seen ruled out anything sinister so why the heck can I just accept that and stop stressing about the “what ifs”.

Sorry about the rant!!

[AMMoverthinking]

It really is amazing just how similar this cycle is for all of us. We get something cleared and then our mind moves on to the next thing to worry about.

Hoping you are all doing well.