Originally posted by: Anna on 18 February 2013
Is there anyone reading this who knows what this is like or can help me? I am a 28 year old mum of two children, the youngest just a baby, and since the birth of my second, have been going through alot of general depression and anxiety. I've seen doctors and psychologists, and am reluctant to use medication as i'm concerned of the effects this will have on me breastfeeding. The main cause of my anxiety is a fear of cancer, which has become absolutely debilitating over the past few months. It's driving my partner mad, having effects on my oldest child, and preventing me from having social contact, as i feel unable to direct my focus to this phobia whenfriends are around (!). I have little energy for anything else in life but constantly checking my body for signs that I have cancer, and monitoring myself for any new signs.
My latest fear is leukemia or some form of blood cancer, due to seven unexplained small bruises i have found on one leg, and the fact that i can feel my lymph nodes, despite being reassured by my doctor that they are within the normal size range. In the past year, i have "had": two types of breast cancer, cancer of the salivary gland, leukemia (seperate from this episode), brain tumor, ovarian cancer, cervical cancer, skin cancer,bone cancer and lymphoma. They have all been talked over with gps, who have explained the symptoms with fairly non-sinister causes. Constant checking of symptoms online has fuelled alot of this in the past, but I have mananged to control this to a degree recently, to no avail. If i do check the net, I start out intending to seek reassurance, only to wind up in a complete state of panic, calling my partner at work to let him know I'm dying, and with usual panic symptoms (sweating, racing heart, numb fingers and toes, pressure headaches etc).
It seems everywhere i go, everything I read, is saturated with the constant threat and reminder that cancer is out there, waiting to pounce on me. I'm so scared, as i have two children who are my reason for living, and who need me. I can't shake the image of myself lying in a bed somewhere with measured time to live. I have always been scared and confronted of death, but this is getting out of hand. The saddest part of this all is that i want to live so much, but am nott enjoying life at all for this stupid fear of dying. I'm always asking my partner for reassurance and pointing out my symptoms to him, and although he does his best to deal with it by reassuring me and reminding me off all the other times it's turned out to be nothing, it's taking it's toll on our relationship.
Another niggling thought that makes the situation even harder is this: What if, in spite of all the false alarms, this time it's the real deal? I mean. how many bullets can one dodge in a lifetime. I have no family history of cancer, but figure someone has got to be the unlucky one, and I bet it's just me! Sorry for the long ramble. If anyone can relate to this, please let me know. xx
