Can't stop negatively comparing myself to others

[G.P]

Hello!

I'm a little anxious writing this, but I'm not sure what to do. For a long time, I know that I've had a bad tendency to compare myself to others. I keep finding myself getting triggered over others' successes and how much better they have it than I do. I then feel guilty for getting jealous that others (particularly close friends and family) have what I don't and then feel crap about myself for it. It's an ongoing cycle.

I've spoken to my psychologist about it, and she says that it's my coping mechanism and way of protecting myself, for when I was younger and my parents had compared me to others when I was a lot younger. I think it's partially true, but don't think it quite hits the nail on the head. Something tells me it's more than that, but haven't quite figured it out yet.

Either way, what I'm most concerned about is how to start reversing this. I've now become aware of it, which I'm told is the first step to getting through it. But I'm having trouble overcoming it when it happens. I just start going into a negative spin cycle of thoughts, beat myself for everything that I'm not and shut down. I've tried to catch myself before it happens or write it down in a journal but sometimes it doesn't work for me.

Thanks for hearing me out, hopefully there's a solution to this...

GP

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

what would we call this thought pattern? Envy? I think jealousy has a negative grain to it.

As a young man in the air Foce I had such envy until an older friend told me that the owner of that beautiful Mustang Mach 1 had the car on hire purchase so he hadn’t saved for it, indeed he didn’t own it. Around 80% of owners of nice cars have a loan for them.

As I’ve become older (64), I’ve met many caravanners in my travels. Well some have purchased their $90,000 by way of inheritance and some with supannuation and some by selling their home.

What I’m suggesting is that some are lucky to have inheritance (I won’t be) , some were lucky enough to remain in the same job for 30+ years to receive a great super payout (I didn’t) and some got assistance from family to buy their first home now worth zillions (no such luck)

You get my point.

Im not envious of others except- we’ll I have worked very hard to get what we have and some are much better off but they’ve done it while being lazy. Silver spoon people.

Anyway, What has transcribed in my mentality over the last 20 years is the appreciation of what is free- nature, saving injured animals, building my own caravan and so forth. Such approach takes your mind away from the material items we crave that others have to place you in a better world.

I spread my wings as a young man and my adventures is my wealth.

Google these to expand on the concept

youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat sunset

youtube Maharaji Prem Rawat the perfect instrument

beyondblue topic 30 minutes can change your life

I don’t know whether I’m on the right track with your concern or not

reply anytime

TonyWK

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi G.P

Thanks for your post and for sharing what you've been through. For what it's worth, I can relate 100% to everything that you have written. This is something that I'm still battling with, but I know more about it having recognised it and spending too much time in therapy!

I agree with TonyWK that jealously and envy have a negative grain to it, which can make things worse being stuck in that cycle. I wonder if you could reframe it to 'privilege' or 'opportunity' ? Is this something you might be able to get on board with?

There's one other thing I wanted to share (otherwise I'd just go over my word limit) and that's gratitude. It's completely cliche, but it does help and there's good evidence it rewires your brain too - so not just a hokey pokey thing. What are your own successes? What are your own privileges? What is good about today?

You may even find that by practicing you can start to see some big differences between you and others; so for me, I was pretty upset that I couldn't get into university due to health issues, but I actually found I learned more about myself and things in general then I would have had I been lucky enough to get into uni.

I hope this gives you some things to think about. I hope your psychologist is building on this and giving you some tools too? Feel free to check back in if you like.

rt

[G.P]

Hi TonyWK,

Thanks for hearing me out and sharing your insights 🙂

The thought pattern is definitely the negative grain of jealousy and the like.

But I do see your point, I guess I've applied the "grass is always greener" mentality, assuming that what I see on face value in others' lives is just peachy, when I really don't know what's going on behind the scenes in their lives. I think I get to easily drawn into the shininess of it all wishing that I had a part of it too.

I like what you say in seeking what is free natured in this life through helping others and other projects, which allows for self fulfillment rather than just material success, or just shifting my energy towards other things that will make me feel less negative. I'll take this into consideration!

Thanks! 🙂

G.P

[G.P]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

Thanks for your reply and your honesty here.

Firstly it is reassuring to hear that there are people like yourself who can relate to this, it's less lonely when I can share my thoughts.

You make an interesting point about re-framing this feeling to privilege or opportunity. Do you mean asking myself these questions, and looking at the privilege and opportunities I have in my life? If so, it's something I haven't really thought about because I'm too busy on trying to move on and achieve the next thing. So there's definitely some food for thought I can take from this.

Gratitude, I admit is something I haven't really practiced, I guess because it does come across cliche to me sometimes. But I'm aware of its benefits and think it's something that could at least help me shift my negative energy and thinking into something positive . I know I don't give myself that chance to appreciate things I have because I'm too busy looking elsewhere. Sometimes I feel like I can quite sink into the feeling of gratitude. Do you have any suggestions on how to practice this?

I'm hoping my psychologist can provide further tools. Thanks again for sharing your experiences and throughts.

Thanks,

G.P.

[Emmen]

Hello G.P.,

My parents compared me to others when I was much younger too, so I can understand how that impacts you in the long term. What helped me is to recognise my worth and my strengths and reframe this idea that I'm "not as good as" with the idea that "I'm good in my own way". It also helps to internalise the idea that every person's journey through life is different, so there's no point comparing. I still get triggered sometimes when people achieve things I haven't, but I usually consciously try to take a step back to think about why I define that as a success. Most of the time, it's because society/people around me have defined that as a success, which really isn't a good enough reason to waste my energy on.

Warmly,
Emmen

[bluenight]

I do the same, I don't have a proper solution at the moment but it can make you feel pretty depressed and alone.

I watch youtube videos on homelessness and other things about people who seem to have a hard life. I just like to remind myself that I should be grateful for the many blessings I do have.

I still compare myself with others though and I still look at people who seem to have great lives. I think it's a process that just takes time and you have to just keep working on issues like these.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi G.P,

It's great to hear back from you. You're very welcome, and I'm really glad that you feel comfortable opening up here.

Both! So you and I (and everyone else here) have had some privilege or opportunities that may not have been given to others. I'm sure if I got to know you more I could probably pick out things a lot of people might envy in yourself that you might not see. Blueknight mentioned homelessness which is a great example. But the other part of it is reframing "I am so jealous of her" to "she has had lots of opportunities or luck come her way". This is because it takes out the bad rap of being 'jealous' but also can help put things into perspective - which is kinda like what TonyWK mentioned about the silver spoon.

Thank you for your honesty around gratitude. There's a lot of great science around it so I'm happy to share it with you to make it seem a little less cliche! There is so so many tools out there - apps, books, journals, guides. For me personally though, starting with it just had to just start in my head. I just tried to challenge myself to think of one thing, and then maybe two things. The research tells us that even just bringing to mind one thing you are really grateful for activates different parts of the brain - so it's a-okay however you decide to do it.

Emmen made a really good point about worthiness - I think this may have been similar to what you and your psychologist talked about in that first post. Thinking about what your psychologist said, I guess there's a part of you that's still playing the role of your parents in comparing yourself to others ?

Some deep stuff here, but hope it resonates with you 🙂

rt

[G.P]

Thanks Bluenight! 🙂

I think that's what it is for me at the moment, it's a process. Going through the motions of it all, it does take time. The triggers still happen, and I just have to continue working on it, but also being kinder to myself about the whole journey. Undoubtedly the triggers still get me, but I like your suggestions here about the videos and pausing to see the blessings that I do have. Thanks again!

[G.P]

Hi Emmen,

Thanks for sharing your insight, and understanding 🙂

I really like what you say about saying "I'm good in my own way", it's definitely a way of thinking that I haven't considered and is a thought process that could allow me to refocus my thinking rather than looking at everyone else.

Consciously trying to step back and asking "why" is a good tip I could take too . A lot of what I have defined as success has been around material achievements - owning a house (currently living at home at 30), being married etc and I guess seeing that this shouldn't be what I define as life and success altogether. I've always undervalued myself based on some of these standards I've created, and what society has defined as successful, as well as what I see with my peers and famlly/friends.

Learning to focus on own journey is a good way of putting it, and I think this is a good place for me to start.

Thanks again! Emmen 🙂

G.P