BPD wife, moving forward and being happy

[bpdcarer]

Hi,

I am a mid 40s male, married for 16 years with 3 kids (11-15 years). My wife has undiagnosed BPD and refuses to get help. She doesn't know she has BPD but she checks all the boxes and 3 separate psychs (that I have seen alone) have told me that is what I'm dealing with.

I'm at the stage where I need to make some serious decisions. She is pretty much out of control now and the abuse toward me and the kids is becoming too much. And it’s having long term effects on them,

I’ve begged her to see someone for help but she refuses and doesn’t think psychologists help anyone. So I have gone by myself to get some answers.

Her outlet is drinking which she does daily, she drinks excessively and is extremely aggressive, abusive and volatile. She cycles very rapidly and at times will often (3-4 times a year) just up and leave the home, threatening to harm herself for a night or two. While myself and the kids are left at home not knowing if she is actually going to go ahead with what she told us.

She has no friends (because no friend can live up to her expectations, the moment they change a plan or do something she isn’t prepared for, she will cull them), she has started now to remove her family (siblings) from her life because she believes they are toxic and they can be (they likely have BPD too, from what I’ve seen).

We (the kids and I) walk on eggshells daily, doing our best to not say, do something to upset her. The smallest thing (spilling some milk on the kitchen bench) will set her off. Not a day goes by without yelling and abusive behavior.

She is rude to pretty much everyone, no respect for anyone (even the elderly) and goes around like she is entitled and above everyone else.

I’m lost and I have no idea what to do next. I want to leave and find happiness but I cannot leave the kids with her as she is not stable enough.I truly don’t trust her with them and the kids have mentioned to me they don’t want to be alone with her.

I have a diary from the past 3-4 years of all the episodes we have experienced and it’s not pretty. I’m so sad that the woman I loved and married can be so horrible to us.

What do I do? I have done so much research on this disorder, I understand that she is not in control and doesn’t mean the horrible things she says, but how can the kids understand that? I do still love her and I wish her to get better but I cannot live like this anymore.

Is leaving the only option? I know this will trigger her really bad and I don’t even know how to bring it up.

[TheFarSide]

Hi bpdcarer,

My personal experience has been 7 odd years now with a wife who was formally diagnosed about 2 years in to our relationship with both Bipolar and Borderline disorders.   She has tried DBT and is currently on a range of medication but realistically, I haven't seen any behavioral improvement that I could attribute to either.  She also has experienced being menopausal in recent years.  Additionally, while I wouldn't call her an alcoholic as such there is definitely a mood shift to the positive when there is alcohol available.

I don't want to put words in your mouth by telling you how it must feel for you or what the journey may be like. 

There's no doubt that the yards can be tough...

For now I can give you an ear to bend and a knowing nod (in written form) that I have some understanding of the path you are on and the difficulties that go with it.  What you've put on paper in this forum is likely to just such a small representation of the daily life at home - the tip of the iceburg as it were.

My choice to date has been to stay together despite how the symptoms of both disorders present themselves in our relationship...  for me it's just a 'feeling thing' - that's what I choose to do for my situation.

Ensure you speak often and openly to those people around you that you trust and who care about you,

Take care of yourself so you can care for the kids.  Best wishes with the possibility of having a professional help you - that was a big step for my wife to have someone evaluate her...